Sometime ago, I came across an old Native American saying, "Whatever you are filled with will spill out when bumped." I have never been able to forget this, particularly when anger, hatred, bitterness, or envy spill forth out of me when people or life "bump" me. I desire to be filled with God's peace, joy, and love, but too often the opposite spills forth.
Yesterday, one of my online devotionals (Dare to Trust! from Literature Ministries International) talked about Deuteronomy 8:2, "And you shall (earnestly) remember all the way which the Lord your God led you these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you, and to prove you, to know what was in your [mind and] heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not."
The author of the devotional, then pointed out that there were three things expressing the "why" of their wilderness journey. "First, to 'humble you.' God wanted to reveal their pride, ego, self-sufficiency, and independence. Second, to 'prove you.' God sought to reveal the sincerity of their faith. Was it a faith that had relevance to their daily lives? Third, to 'know what was in their hearts.' They needed to realize the deceitfulness and degradation of their hearts. 'The heart is deceitful above all things, who can know it.' God sought to orchestrate their lives to be upright in their love of Him."
These words really spoke to me, as I have felt like I've been going through a "wilderness" experience. I realized that these were additional reasons for me to go through what I have been going through...First, I also needed to be humbled and my financial deprivation has certainly humbled me and created a "teachable" spirit within me. Second, I also needed my faith proven as I have not been willing to stay in and go through the crucible ever before. I have always backed off, resented and became angry, or ran away from the "testing," anything except stay in the trial, wait it out, yield and go through it. Third, just as the Israelites needed to know what was in the their hearts, I also needed to know. So often, I have felt that "I'm not all that bad, I'm loving, I'm kind and generous." Getting "bumped" by people and life recently has shown me exactly what I'm filled with deep within my heart and it's not from God. God needed me to see the truth so that I could acknowledge my sin and plead for a new heart!
This morning, just before waking up, I had a dream in which I saw someone do something to someone else that was wrong and made me angry. The anger I experienced was "righteous indignation" (not a sin), but instead of taking the time to ask God how I should respond or what I needed to do, I remained angry and ended up taking out my anger on someone else who didn't deserve my anger (a sin). In turn, I saw that person then take out their pain and anger on a third, innocent bystander. I was going to say something, but then realized I had been the cause and had done the exact same thing. I woke up knowing that in my dream (and too often in real life), I had allowed my anger to cause me to sin and in turn had angered someone else, who also sinned because of their anger. What a harsh way to wake up!
When I started to write today's entry, I looked over what I had written yesterday and remembered the peace I had felt all day, but didn't seem to have this morning. As I thought longingly of that peace, God spoke to me in my heart and said, "It's available to you again today, you just have to let go of your anger, quiet yourself before Me, and rest in My presence. You don't have to stay (emotionally) where you are right now." Thank You, Lord, for this reminder. Help me to quiet myself again before You and rest in Your presence. Amen. [So be it.]
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