Friday, August 14, 2009

Something that makes me feel like crying...

Haven't posted much in quite a while. There has been so many things happening in the past months, painful things that make me not want to share my life with others, which means I don't blog.

For one, my brother Martin passed away May 19. Although we hadn't spent a lot of time together in the past 10-15 years since we lived 50-60 miles apart, I miss him. I miss being able to call him if I want to. But, I'm glad he's not suffering and he's safe asleep until Jesus comes.

Besides all of the above, one thing that continues to affect my life in so many ways is my Dad being gone. Even though he passed away 5+ years ago, I still miss him. I particularly miss him when I need help with something physical (he was strong) or mechanical (he was very mechanical). My brother JD is also very strong, although not mechanical, so when I need help with moving stuff around or something that requires someone physically strong, I can ask him to help and he usually is willing. The only time it becomes an issue is like what happened today. He doesn't live with me, he lives at my cousin's place and works for him for room and board. This coming Sunday I would like my brother's help with some lifting and moving things around. But, I struggled with asking for his help, because I felt like I had to ask my cousin if I could ask my brother to help me, since it would take him away from whatever my cousin wanted him to do. Having to ask my cousin if I could ask my brother to help this coming Sunday made me want to cry, particularly when my cousin started to quantify what would be "worthy" of him allowing my brother to help me instead of him. It leaves me feeling helpless, which makes me feel like crying. In fact, I felt pretty emotional and almost started to cry! I know that I'm not helpless; God is always there for me and I'm grateful. I guess in the future I'll just ask my brother and let him deal directly with my cousin rather than me asking my cousin first.