And the waiting continues...

This weekend has been emotionally and spiritually hard for me. I found myself feeling anxious, tired, and irritated at the waiting, constant, never-ending (it seems) waiting. Waiting for God's fulfillment of my dream, God's direction, God's appointed time. I tried to pray and got irritated at God during prayer; I tried to read and got irritated at God's promises. Nothing seemed get me out of the "rut" I had fallen into over the weekend. Even during the potluck after church, a time when I usually enjoy talking and socializing with others, I got irritated and mad at several people. I was definitely not my usual self. It was actually a relief to come home and eventually go to bed.

Thankfully, God doesn't "leave me there," when I have fallen into one of my "bad moods." This morning, my Bible reading was about Joseph, during the time when he was in the dungeon, and then at "God's appointed time," he was called forth to his new life, his purpose. The sermon yesterday had been on the exact same Bible verses and as I read it, I could imagine how Joseph must have felt during the "waiting." After Pharaoh's Chief Butler had been restored to his position and the Chief Baker had been hung, just as Joseph had through God's Spirit told them it would be, the butler forgot to mention Joseph to Pharaoh. It was another two years of waiting in the dungeon before the king had the prophetic dreams and the butler remembered Joseph and how God had given him the interpretation of the butler's dream. During these two years Joseph must have wondered and pleaded with God for a plan, a purpose, the fulfillment of his dreams, or at least I imagine that he must have. And then, one day, at God's "appointed time," he was called forth from the dungeon to his new life as governor over all of Egypt, second only to Pharaoh.

Joseph's calling forth must have felt like being woke-up from the dead, or at least that is how I would have felt. Sometimes I feel so "dead" in this waiting and at God's appointed time, when He finally calls me forth from the "dungeon of waiting," it will feel as if I've just been raised from the dead!

Reading the story and thinking about how Joseph may have felt made me think about the reasons for waiting. A few months back I had studied about waiting, about staying in the crucible, the trial and the authors of a couple of different books had listed reasons for waiting, which I have since combined. Reading over these reasons again was a fresh reminder of the blessings to be had from waiting. Here is my combined list:

1. Waiting can refocus our attention away from "things" and back to God Himself; it encourages us to get to know God better.
2. Waiting allows us to develop a clearer picture of our own motives and desires; it tends to purify them.
3. Waiting builds perseverance--spiritual stamina, steadfastness, staying power.
4. Waiting opens the door to the development of many spiritual strengths, such as faith, trust, and patience.
5. Waiting allows God to put down other pieces in the puzzle of the bigger picture. (One of my favorites.)
6. Waiting energizes us for the walk (or race or battle) ahead. It gives us time to rest and refuel.

My next thought was, "But what are we to do during the waiting?" "What did David do while he waited for the throne to become his as God had promised?" "What did Saul not do when he was waiting for Samuel to arrive to offer sacrifices to the Lord?" And then, more specifically, "What am I to be doing?"

In Psalm 37:1-11, David explains what we are to do...Over and over again in various ways he says, "Fret not, neither be anxious;" "Delight yourself in the Lord (meaning 'to live in a state of perfect trust. Nothing can ruffle our peace, because God is here and at work. We can praise Him, we can even smile, because no one can outwit our God!');" "Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him;" "Be still and rest in the Lord, wait for Him, fret not;" "Cease from anger, forsake wrath, fret not." And, although David made his mistakes, this he did right...he waited, he did not rush ahead and "grab what God had not yet given." David had several opportunities in which to kill King Saul and take the throne by force, but David recognized that "God's gifts are always best received from His hand and in His time."

On the other hand, King Saul did the exact opposite. He became impatient, anxious, and angry at the wait and chose to make the sacrifices without Samuel (God's representative). And in doing so, he caused himself to sin and then refused to acknowledge his sin before God, which led to his permanent loss of the throne.

So, once again I am brought back to the vivid pictures of the choices I have and what I must do. I must choose to wait, just as David did, and not rush ahead and try to "grab the gift" that God has not yet given. Also, I need to refocus on what I need to be doing and learning from this time of waiting:

1. Continue to spend time with God, getting to know Him better, continuing to grow spiritually, learning to quiet myself and rest.
2. Continue learning to trust, learning to depend upon and wait for God, learning to "not lean on my own understanding," or anyone else's, but rather on God.
3. Continue learning faithfulness and perseverance, learning to be constant and steadfast (staying power).
4. Continue using the time to prepare physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually (as described above) to become a wife and possibly a mother.

The task is not easy and many times I feel so broken and helpless, but as Philippians 4:13 states, "I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me--I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me, [that is, I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency]. And, in 2 Corinthians 12:9, God promises that His grace will be sufficient. "But He said to me, My grace--My favor and loving-kindness and mercy--are enough for you, [that is, sufficient against any danger and to enable you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect--fulfilled and completed and show themselves most effective--in [your] weakness..." Also, He has promised to not give us more than we can bear, "For no temptation--no trial regarded as enticing to sin [no matter how it comes or where it leads]--has overtaken you and laid hold on you that is not common to man--that is, no temptation or trial has come to you that is beyond human resistance and that is not adjusted and adapted and belonging to human experience, and such as man can bear. But God is faithful [to His Word and to His compassionate nature], and He [can be trusted] not to let you be tempted beyond your ability and strength of resistance and power to endure, but with the temptation He will [always] also provide the way out--the means of escape to a landing place--that you may be capable and strong and powerful patiently to bear up under it" (1 Corinthians 10:13).

And so, the waiting continues and I continue to yield to the waiting.