Where I want to go and who I want to be...

This past Saturday night, after getting off a phone call from a friend of mine in Tennessee, I remembered a situation from my past that was an eye-opener to my present. It was back in 1987, when I was living in Kansas City. I had moved several times since moving to Kansas and at the time was living in a 2-bedroom apartment with an unmarried couple that I had met. The apartment wasn't very large, therefore, my belongings consisted of a bed and dresser and a few other items, besides clothes, that I was able to store in boxes against the wall of my bedroom. It was very college-like and unsettled, an odd arrangement, but I really didn't know where I was going or what I wanted to do, so this seemed the best for the moment.

During this time, a friend of mine that I had dated occasionally and who I had longed for a chance to date seriously ever since I had met him the summer of 1981, happen to be coming out my way for some event and decided to spend the weekend with me. At the time, I knew he was dating someone he had been dating for quite sometime. In fact, I believe they were either considering getting engaged or were already engaged, but for some reason he came to see me. We had a relatively nice weekend, but I was fairly certain when he left that his heart wasn't mine anymore and never would be again.

Now for whatever reason, the other night, all of this came to my mind again and for the first time ever I asked myself, "What if he came to make sure whether or not he was making the right decision to not be with me and to become engaged to the girl he was dating?" "If that was the case, what did he see that made him decide to go ahead with the girl he was dating?" "What was he looking for that weekend that might would have made him wait a while longer and possibly consider being with me as a real option?"

Looking back, I recognize that there really hadn't been any growth in several significant areas. I wasn't any different than when we had dated back in Tennessee. I was still unsettled, clueless as to my direction in life, what I wanted to do, where I was going. I was still living as a college student even though I wasn't going to college at the time. I hadn't gotten any closer to God, I was still readily open to sexual sin and hadn't become any better with my finances. I was the same person, just living in a different place. I never knew why he felt he didn't want to become serious with me even though he seemed to really like me in a lot of different ways, but I have often felt it had something to do with my lack of spiritual, emotional, and financial growth. Not that he was so mature in these areas either, except financially he was doing very well by that time, but I think that he was looking for someone who was, someone who knew where she was going and what she was doing spiritually, emotionally, and financially. I was not the one.

Now, 21 years later, I find myself in a similar situation. I have a “new” friend who I really care about and would like the opportunity to date. But last night, after remembering the situation with this other guy back in 1987, I asked myself, “If this friend that I care about came to see me right now, what would he find?” “Would anything be different than when we met, 1-1/2 years ago?” Just as with the other guy, I don’t know the exact reasons why he decided he didn't want to date me at the time we met or since (it wasn't a lack of physical attraction), but whatever it was, I wondered if there would be anything different now. “Is there anything in my life that would be different enough to possibly make him reconsider his options?” And, “What would I want him to see?”

Here's what I would want him to see (not in any particular order):

1. Someone who has created a clean and orderly, comfortable home with touches of beauty throughout.


2. Someone who has resolved what her role is to be in her brother's life.


3. Someone who has a healthy awareness and gratefulness for what she has, along with goals toward the future.


4. Someone who is at peace in her relationship with God and who is spiritually growing.


5. Someone who is involved in a ministry of some sort and is compassionate and loving to others. Someone who is more focused on serving others than serving herself.


6. Someone not afraid to talk about her faith and beliefs.


7. Someone who has learned to save money and live frugally. Someone able to live within her means and be content, while doing what she can to improve her financial position.


8. Someone who has expanded her horizons, who has opened herself to new opportunities and growth, whose world is larger than just the small world around her.


9. Someone who is physically active and eats healthfully for the most part.


10. Someone able to live in this world, but daily preparing for Christ's second coming.
    

Yes, this is who I want to be and in some areas I am closer to being this person than I used to be. But in others, I am still a long way from being there. I'm not even sure what holds me back, except life seems to continue to throw things at me that I don't handle very well and seems to throw me off-course for various periods of time. Not that life unfolds perfectly for anyone, as I know it doesn't, but somehow even in the midst of the terrific storms of life, some people are able to maintain their focus and not become diverted into meaningless, dead-end side-trips. Whereas I have too often become diverted, lost focus, and spent years indulging in the meaningless, dead-end, depressing, side-trips. Somehow, I haven’t retained my focus in the way that I wish I had. Additionally, I have lacked and still lack some of the tools needed to become this person I desire to be.

So, the questions I ask now are, "What do I need to do to become this person?" "What steps can I take now, toward becoming the person I wish my friend to see, no matter if he ever sees or not?" "What tools do I need to obtain to enable me to become this person I desire to be and where do I obtain them?"

To be continued...