Monday, December 17, 2007

Learning to quiet myself and wait...

The Sabbath School lessons this quarter have been truly excellent! Every week there has been something I can apply to my life and this past week was no different. The theme of last week's lesson was learning to wait upon God to act on our behalf and we studied about David and Saul and how David didn't do anything towards the fulfillment of God's promise to make him King, even when he had several opportunities to kill Saul, who was the King of Israel at the time and trying to kill him (David). Instead, in faith, David waited for God to act on his behalf and at the appointed time, after Saul had been killed in battle, David was given the throne.

As some of you who have read my latest updates may know, I'm in the midst of waiting upon God for a husband and for the financial resources (above what I am making through my work, which is not enough) to live on and make restitution. Internally, I found myself feeling "strapped down;" feeling as if someone had me on a gurney in the hospital and had me strapped down so I couldn't move. I felt frantic, tossing and turning, trying to break free. As I looked to God, I kept begging Him to loose me from the gurney, but He wouldn't. As I struggled emotionally throughout the week, I was reading about David's waiting and I couldn't seem to grasp what I needed to do to enable myself to wait or how I was to do it.

Thursday morning, as I was contemplating the lesson and how to apply it to my life, a thought came into my mind, "What did King Saul need to do when he was waiting for Samuel (God's prophet) to arrive at Gilgal to offer up sacrifices to God, that he didn't do because he was impatient, and which ultimately led to his downfall?" Instead of quieting himself before the Lord (and the people) and continuing to wait for Samuel to arrive, he "broke forth" and made the sacrifice on his own, a sin.

So, what do I need to do? I too need to quiet myself (emotionally) before the Lord and wait for God to act on my behalf. The longer I take to quiet myself, the longer I'll have to wait for Him to act on my behalf. Otherwise, I'm liable to act rashly and sin and hurt myself.

Upon realizing the significance of this "picture" God had given me, I now could understand why God was saying, "No," to my plea to be released from the ties that bound me to the gurney. I also could understand why I was seeing a gurney in a hospital. God couldn't/wouldn't loose me from the gurney until I quit striving and fighting Him as He needed to perform "heart surgery" upon me. But, I couldn't seem to stop. I was too scared to stop. I was afraid if I stopped that He would leave me there forever, all strapped down (emotionally and financially). Even now, as I'm trying to quiet myself before Him, I'm still scared; I'm still asking Him, "For how long, Lord, how long? How long and how painful will this 'heart surgery' be? Will I die (emotionally and financially)? Will I be a cripple when You are done? Do You really love me? Will You give me an abundant life (emotionally and financially) or will You forget about me and let me die? Do You really, truly love me?

He answered me and said, "Yes! I really, truly love You and I won't let you die and I won't leave you here forever, but I have to remove the 'stony heart out of [your] flesh' and 'give [you] a heart of flesh' [a heart that is sensitive and responsive to My (God's) touch], so that I will 'keep His statues and ordinances' and 'I will be His people and He shall be my God'" (Ezekiel 11:19-20) .

God is requiring me to go through these trials of complete singleness and financial deprivation for a time (not forever) for two main reasons: 1) So that I will come to abhor the sins that have caused this and never want to commit them again, and 2) So that I learn to quiet myself before Him and trust Him and be willing to wait for Him to act on my behalf.

So, with these thoughts and with this prayer, "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me," I am learning to quiet myself before the Lord and wait upon Him to act on my behalf. When the appointed time has come, when I am past the point where I will act rashly or hurt myself, He will loose the ties that have strapped me down.


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