Emotionally sore today...

Today I'm feeling emotionally bruised and sore. My sister Marie from Tennessee came up to visit me and I was feeling so rough that I couldn't even enjoy the time with her, which made me sad. I feel raw and broken and need some time to back away from everything and everyone to heal.

Sometimes it's important to step back and away from everything and everyone to heal, to gain perspective, to better manage my own emotions, situations, and others' effect on my life. Taking the time to recognize where to draw the line with others so that you "don't drown while trying to save them from drowning." I've come close to "emotionally drowning" in the past two weeks and I recognize the need to heal and recover, so that is what I'm working on this afternoon.

A funny thing happened on the way to the forum...(not really, I just have always liked that line and the play). Anyways, here's something that amused me somewhat this afternoon. Quite a while ago I had applied to the "Worldwide Who's Who" for the fun of it and for the networking and exposure factor. For several months now, I've been receiving calls from them to go through the interview process, but it has always seemed to be at the wrong time. Today, I received a call from one of their agents again, so I called her back. After going through the interview process to see if I would be eligible, which she determined I was (not sure of their criteria) she then explained the offer, which of course involved a significant amount of money. Although being on the "Worldwide Who's Who" list might have some usefulness, the funds are definitely not available in my budget, and even if they were, the thought occurred to me, "how important are you really, if you have to pay to be in the "Who's Who" list?" It's like paying to get yourself published. Sometimes it's worth it, but usually it's just an "ego boost" or "flattery." Of course, getting published, whether it's a book you wrote or being published on the "Who's Who" list can't be all that flattering if you are having to pay them to publish you! LOL! Not today, thank you! I can publish myself quite well on the Internet without their help and without much cost.

I guess what brought this up in my thoughts right now is that the agent kept offering the next lower offer and the next lower offer even though I had said each time, "I do not have any money right now to put towards such a thing and even if I did, I would want to wait and consider the purchase before going ahead with it." Finally, after three to four different offers from her, I said, "Listen, I have $30 left in my bank account today and unless it is absolutely a dire necessity, I'm not spending what little money I have left." "And secondly, I have no desire to be rude, but if you push me one more time, I'm going to get rude." With that warning, she graciously backed off and I graciously told her I hope she has a good afternoon. End of conversation. :)

So, there always comes a time when a person must "draw the line," whether it be with friends, family, colleagues, or strangers. It's important to have and maintain boundaries to stay emotionally and mentally healthy, along with respecting the boundaries of others. Learn to manage your own life in such a way that you do as little "spilling out" into other people's lives as possible. We all have times when we need help, when we need others; I was there this past summer during my period of unemployment, but my goal is to continue to grow in my ability to manage my own affairs in such a way that I don't spill-out onto other people's lives and drown them while they are trying to save me from drowning.

Dearest Mommy...

A couple of months ago, one of my sisters had told me about a book (I don't remember the name of the book or author) and the steps to go through when confronting and forgiving others who have wronged you, even someone who had already died. She thought it would help me in confronting one of my brothers who currently lives with me. In truth, I had already confronted my brother, but I recognized it as a solution to confronting my Dad who is dead. I wrote a letter to him telling him how he had hurt me and what it had done to me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually and then I forgave him and asked forgiveness for my part, even if unrealized at the time, in the situation. Talk about a release. I felt the difference in my heart and the new freedom it had given me.

Well, yesterday afternoon, I came to realize that I still felt significant anger and bitterness towards my mother. This morning, it was time and I wrote a similar letter to my Mom, who also is dead.

I'm sharing the letter below and I hope that if you are reading it that you it may help you to forgive whomever you may need to forgive and/or it will help you to help someone else.

Dearest Mommy,

Yesterday I had a huge meltdown. I had been struggling with anger and irritation for several days and couldn't figure out where it was coming from.

When I had my meltdown yesterday, I realized that I had significant anger still towards you for several things. I hadn't ever really known what they were over the years, but an incident with a friend of mine brought the issue, or at least one of the issues, clearly to my mind. You disrespected my Dad, me, and everyone else, including yourself. You allowed other to disrespect me and you didn't protect me. I recognize you didn't understand, didn't know how to respect boundaries because no one had respected yours, but the lack of knowledge or ignorance does not negate the error, the sin, as I've learned, painfully learned, very recently.

Along with the disrespect you showed towards my Dad, others, and me, you didn't give me or show me your beauty. I don't know why, as I know you were a beautiful young woman and even a beauty or at least a good-looking woman most all of your life. You were an artist! If anyone could have shown, taught, given beauty, it could have been you, but instead you taught drab, dreary, ugly, chaotic yuckiness. You didn't teach me how to make a house a home. I had to try to learn everything through magazines and on my own, which has been horribly difficult. You gave up and gave in to the filth and drabness of your environment, instead of living above it. I so badly want to forgive you and let it all go. It has destroyed so much of my life and I don't want it to continue to do so. I do feel hurt by it all though. I desperately want to become and provide a

Soft

Feminine

Joyful

Peaceful

Clean

Orderly

Haven

for my husband I still hope to have one day and grandchildren (since I'm too old to have children). And as much as I desire to be and make this, I don't know how because you didn't teach me.

Oh Mommy dearest, why didn't you teach me and my sisters? Why did you give up on beauty and hope? I'm sorry that life discouraged you so badly that you never fully recovered. I'm sorry you experienced such disappointment and hurt that you quit being the mother you could have been. I'm sorry that you were abused and disrespected in your childhood home and family, because even though you never told anyone, I'm sure you were. I'm sorry that you dealt with that all alone, because you had no knowledge of how to deal with it and what to do! I ask God to help me to forgive you and I pray that God will, has forgiven you!

Please forgive me too. Please forgive me for holding such anger and bitterness towards you for so many years. I want to be free of it all and be able to move forward. Please forgive me for rejecting you instead of reaching out to you to help you. I was too young at the beginning, but even when I got older, I didn't help you like I should have. I'm sorry. I blamed you for many things. Some, you were responsible for, and some you weren't! Some were Dad's fault. Please forgive me for falsely accusing you of things you didn't do, didn't cause. You weren't to blame for all the negative; Dad was responsible for some of it and then later I was responsible for my own.

Well, dearest Mommy, you've been dead now for 13 years. I hope I will see you on resurrection morning and be able to tell you I'm sorry and I love you in person. In the meantime, and even in that time, I leave your memory in the hands of God. I love you.

Your "sunshine," 

Connie

And the journey continues...

My life journey has been quite rocky and difficult this year and particularly in the past several months. After losing my job, being denied unemployment, and spending the next three months learning how to live on the bare minimum that others and DHS provides, frantically looking for work and still not finding anything, having a brother move into my house that really shouldn't have been moving in and now, still not having a job, still having a brother living with me that shouldn't be living with me and trying to understand and know what God wants me to do to go forward in my life, I find that I am having to take each day, moment by moment. I can only do what I can do and I am seeking God's will in everything I do, so I know eventually the answers will come.

In the meantime, I'm now back in school as of September 6, still working on my MA in Educational Technology, and I'm also taking an online class called Fascinating Womanhood. The class, and the book it is based on, is about "strengthening your marriage" and "enriching your life." I'm not married, but that is a status I would like to change and I feel that God brought me to the point where I would be open to learning the principles this book/class advocates.

The principles the book/class recommends to live by are not principles I learned growing up, nor are they principles that any of my friends would live by or recommend at this time, except for one of my friends, the friend who loaned me the book in hopes that it might would help me to better understand how I need to live my life. It's interesting, because the friend who loaned me the book has the best marriage of all of my friends and yet they all think she has it by luck. I do think she has a head start on many of us, because she grew up in a home where the parents were loving towards each other and didn't destroy each other like in some homes and including the Christian home I grew up in. She also has a husband who has developed his communication skills, his emotional and spiritual life much more than almost any man I've known before and these two factors make a huge difference. But, having said that, I believe that because she, whether knowingly or unknowingly lives the principles expounded upon in FW, they have a beautiful marriage. Is it perfect? No, but it's not luck and it's not even just because they are Christians, because the rate of divorce for Christian marriages is almost the same as non-Christians. It's learning how to treat each other, cultivating the warmth and love or as FW would say "celestial love" that should be part of every Christian marriage, and dare I say, all marriages?

Keep on keeping on...and still go above and beyond

One of the phrases in Al-Anon (and AA, NA, etc.) is "Keep on keeping on" and that is what I'm doing today. I can only go forward, which means I continue to submit my resume to possible jobs, I follow up on opportunities still in progress or unknown yet, and I continue to network, search, and do whatever I can to "drum-up" opportunities. I've never experienced such a situation before where I've looked for work, even been interviewed for work, and still don't have work, but I guess there is a first time for everything and this is the time economically when trying to find work is difficult. The companies that are hiring have many potential employees to choose from and although I feel I'm a strong candidate, I have a lot of experience, I'm professional, smart, and learn quickly, I may not be "standing out"  as well as I should or could and that is what I have to work on. I need to find a way to highlight my strengths and show the employers why they should hire me over the others. And this is where I will apply the "go above and beyond." To another day of trying to shine!

Encouraging words...

This morning I woke up with the feeling somewhat depressed and dreading the day. I felt discouraged at facing the same-ole-same-ole that has permeated the past three months. Also, I will be losing phone service tonight at midnight and I was going to have to call my car loan company to let them know that unless a miracle came about, I would not be making partial payment on Monday as I had hoped. Not fun things to wake up to.

Finally, 15 or 20 minutes later, I got up and made some coffee and went back to my bedroom to have my morning time with God. While journaling, I acknowledged that I was having a very difficult time facing the day and wasn't sure if I could accomplish anything. Oftentimes, when I feel like there isn't anything I can do to accomplish anything worthwhile, I will remind myself of a saying I received from a friend of mine long ago. "Today, I'll focus on what I can do, not on what I can't do." So, I wrote down, "What can I do"? And proceeded to list five or six things that I thought I probably could manage to do and needed to do or might be helpful to someone else. Here are the six, now seven things, I felt capable of accomplishing in spite of the current emotions and situation.

1. I can take care of the bank account verification and send it to DHS.
2. I can follow up on Phill's brother James for Aunt Margaret.
3. I can call Santander (my car loan company) and let them know I won't be able to make payment, but I am still wanting to keep the car and expect that by the first of September, I will be able to bring my account current.
4. I can call Verizon and at least them know that I won't have the payment as expected, but I will pay my account as soon as possible.
5. I can figure out food for Sabbath lunch (this is an easy one, thankfully!)
6. I can call to check on prices of my prescription medicines so as to find out where I should have them filled (JD is helping me to get them filled).
7. I can write a note to Christa (still haven't done this, but will before end of day to then send tomorrow).

Armed with a focus on what I can do, I set out to at least accomplish those things.

One of the first things I did was to go to the bank to get the verification form filled out. Deb, the bank representative who started helping me, and I began talking some about my situation and the difficulties I have been and am now experiencing due to my unemployment and denial of unemployment. We talked about what jobs are out there and she mentioned a couple of places that I might want to consider applying to, as they oftentimes are hiring. She was very nice and treated me with respect, in spite of my financial status, and as much as I'm down on banks and their insensitivity to people who are struggling financially, I have to say she at least improved my feelings about some of the bank's employees.

During our conversation, Deb mentioned that she had gone through a rough time and still struggles with the effect of her husband having a sudden heart attack 19 months ago at the age of 55. It was a devastating shock to her and her life, as she had only worked part-time before, and of course now she was having to fully support herself. We talked about how to get through the rough times and how we just have to continue and do what we can until things turn around. It was a blessing and an encouragement. It also made me cry my heart out to God after leaving the bank, telling Him how tired and scared I was. But, it helped me to once again accept where I am at this moment in time and trust that as I continue to focus each day on what I can do, eventually things will turn around for me and I will be a stronger person for having gone through these events.

Thanks, Deb, for the encouraging words and I pray that God will comfort you as you have encouraged me.

Thinking about the good things in life...

I was talking with a friend of mine today about my personal blog and some of her thoughts about it, since she had read some of it last night. She said," readers might learn that you battle depression." Ouch! That is true at times and it's kind of weird because I tend to write when I'm feeling depressed. In fact, it's one of the ways I process my feelings. That's not all bad, of course, but I just want to let my readers know that really, I'm not depressed all the time. I enjoy a lot of things in life and am grateful for all the blessings, friends, and family I have. And, I'm sorry if I've been a little depressing in my writing. I have been going through a very difficult time in my life, but there are a lot of positives too and I need to reflect on them more.

For example, today I went for a walk by the Kalamazoo River over in Plainwell at the Veteran's Memorial Park. It was a beautiful, sunny, not too hot and not too cold day and I wandered around, listening to flow of the river, taking pictures of the river and flowers in the park, and petting a friendly lab while talking with her owner. I should have taken a close-up of the dog, but didn't think about it until her and her owner were already gone, walking across the trestle bridge that spans the river. Here are a few of the photos I took while at the park.

Grieving today...

Yesterday and today I have felt such sadness and loneliness. It seems odd, like I'm not quite sure where it's coming from and what's causing it. Of course, there are several things I can think of that are adding to it, if not actually causing it.

For starters, Denyse, my close friend of eight plus years moved to Florida this past May. We didn't really spend much time together during the week, but on Sabbath after church my brother and I would just hang out with her and her husband and talk about anything and everything. I miss that! And then, my friend Chris and her husband Don who stayed with me over the winter, are down in Texas right now trying to take care of some of their scrap vehicles that had to be moved from where they were being stored. Chris and I text all the time, but it's not the same as having someone to talk with face-to-face and just hang out or go to the beach with. They will be back home in Michigan in another week or two, but I miss seeing them and hanging out with them. Also, FC, who I've been seeing since last December, didn't call at all to get together this weekend and I miss being with him and feeling like I almost have a boyfriend! :) And finally, Phill (or Chief Strongheart to me), my ex-boyfriend and lifetime love passed away July 10, from a diabetes-related, severe, staph infection and related strokes.

Even though Phill and I were only together officially from 1996-2001, unofficially together off-and-on from 2001-2006, and only at special times since 2006, our hearts connected when I was nine and he was ten and have been connected ever since until now. I miss knowing that someone knows me that well, knows my history, knew my parents, knew my family, knew my heart like he did. I miss his heart!

I guess the above is probably enough to make me feel deep sadness and loneliness today!

Chief Strongheart (tall, dark-haired Native American Indian) and me between two of his brothers, Tim and his wife Annie (left) and Sam (right). Taken at the dinner following his Mom's burial in Northport, Michigan, in July 2008.