Feeling "Hemmed In"

Today, when thinking about my circumstances of no job, no income, no money in the bank (in fact, the account is minus as of today) and plenty of bills that are already past due, I realized that I feel "hemmed in." It's like no matter if I try to go forward, backwards, or sideways, there is no way out of the "box" of my circumstances; there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to make it change and nothing I do seems to change anything. 

I've only been in this "box" one other time that I can readily remember and it was for similar circumstances, except at that time I had a job, an income, but my income wasn't enough to cover my bills. I had just enough to cover food, gas, electric, and very little else. Eventually, the situation eased up, but it took quite a while before it did.

Now I'm in similar, if not worse straits financially and today I wanted to know more about what God may or may not be doing by "hemming me in." In Psalms 139:5, David talks about God "hemming him in," or at least that is what the NIV says. In the Amplified, it says, "You have beset me and shut me in behind and before, and have laid Your hand upon me. " When I read the whole chapter, the "hemming in" sounds more like protection and blessing than negative. But I continued to look up other verses. In Psalms 4:1 (Amplified), David says, "Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness [uprightness, justice and right standing with You]! You have freed me when I was hemmed in and enlarged me when I was in distress; have mercy upon me and hear my prayer." This is obviously an example of being "hemmed in" by enemies and God has freed him from the circumstances.

The interesting thing when comparing the two different verses above is that in one, it sounds like God is doing the "hemming in" (Psalms 139:5) and in the other (Psalms 4:1), God is doing the freeing from the "being hemmed in." So, it appears that sometimes God hems us in and sometimes He frees us from being hemmed in.

While looking up Biblical information on the topic, I came across a couple of blog postings that talk about being hemmed in. One author, MTJ, at the blog site, My Thought-filled Journey: Hemmed In , talks about the Israelites at the Red Sea and how they were "hemmed in." According to MTJ, "They feared Pharaoh and his army. But God wanted to move them from the place of fear to the place of faith. To get them to the place of faith," (MTJ, 2010) i.e., God had to "hem them in" so that He could then "deliver Israel and demolish Pharaoh's army." (MTJ, 2010). They needed to see God as their Deliverer, their Savior, the One to turn to in faith and hope.

In the case of the Israelites, it appears that God brought them to a place where they were "hemmed in" so that He could show them His power and as noted in the paragraph above, move them from fear of Pharaoh to faith in God. I expect this is the type of "hemming in" I'm experiencing in my life. I have felt that unless God saves me, I'm finished, I'm done in financially. In fact, one of my greatest fears has been and is the lack of money. The lack of money to pay my bills and take care of my needs, and it may be that God is wanting to move me from my place of fear that comes from a "lack of money" to a place of faith, dependent upon Him, my true source. I desire to be delivered from my love/hate relationship with "mammon" and the only way God can deliver me is to require me to face the fear with Him at my side.

Another interesting point brought out by MTJ was that when he has been "hemmed in" he is not without hope. He will trust God to deliver him. He will "walk to the shoreline." He will do his part "and trust God to make a way." (MTJ, 2010).

So now, reflecting upon these verses and the story of the Israelites, it does give me some hope. I can better see why God would bring me to this point again and in worst circumstances than before. I have nowhere to turn, but to cry out to my God, "Please save me," and walk forward, trusting Him to open a pathway when the time is right, doing what I can like applying to DHS (Oh yeah, that was fun!), protesting the UIA's determination to deny unemployment benefits (Such joy!), and continuing to apply to jobs, knowing that eventually the right one, at the right time, will be there. Hopefully, growing in faith and recognizing that "mammon" or money is not my source, God is!

Reference: MTJ. (11/2010). Hemmed in. My Thought-filled Journey blog. Retrieved June 2, 2011, from: http://mythought-filledjourney.blogspot.com/2010/11/hemmed-in.html

Great is Thy Faithfulness...Lam 3:23

The past few weeks have been extremely stressful for me. I've been in the process of moving and for me it truly is a process. I didn't even have anything packed, but I felt that it was time for me to move. I had been putting it off ever since spring. I dreaded the whole process and knew that once I moved, I would be faced with having to decide whether or not to let my brother live with me or to continue to drive even a further distance now to pick him up for the weekends. I refuse to leave him at my cousins all the time with no way to come up to Otsego to where his church and church friends are. They are my friends too, but particularly I want him to be able to socialize with them because they are so good for him. Without them, I expect he would withdraw from life and go back to a life of isolation and drinking, whereas with them, he interacts, socializes, gets "out of himself" and even enjoys life at times.

Eventually, the goal is to get him connected with community mental health to get help for his emotional and mental deficits and to help him become more independent. But, to do so, he has to move here and in with me until he can also get the financial help he would need to be on his own. For the past three years he has been living at my cousins in a room in their shop and he has been able to work with my cousin to help pay for his room and board. If he comes to live with me, he will end up with a fairly significant amount of time with nothing to do, which is not good for him. Trying to figure out how and what to do has caused me great distress in the past few weeks.

I have asked God, "What do I need to do"? But I haven't heard or seen an answer yet. Last night I had become so agitated and angry that I could hardly function. I felt desperate for an answer and didn't feel like one was forthcoming. I finally calmed down, but this is a "hot" topic for me. I feel great concern that I could destroy both of our lives and I have no desire to do that. On the other hand, I don't feel like I can sit here and do nothing. I start a new job in one week and I will be driving even further to work every day and there's no way I can make the trip to pick him up, another 100 miles roundtrip, after driving 40 miles home from work. So, I feel the need to make a decision and yet I don't feel capable of making the decision yet. I don't feel like I have all the facts.

So, where does this leave me? Pretty much the in the same place that I have been for several weeks now, ever since I started moving. So, where does the phrase "Great is Thy Faithfulness" come in? Even though I was experiencing significant distress last night and I don't feel like I have an answer yet today, I recognize that God is faithful! He will help me and my brother make it through this time of difficult and very possibly imperfect decisions no matter what I decide. And in that realization, I can have confidence and hope for the future. I'm not alone in this. Great is (His) faithfulness and it's a faithfulness I can trust!