Under Seige...

Have you ever felt you were under siege by something or someone? It could be a disease, a financial situation, a situation at work or a disability. According to Web Dictionary, siege is defined as:

1. A military operation in which enemy forces surround a town or building, cutting off essential supplies, with the aim of compelling the surrender of those inside
1. Verdun had withstood a siege of ten weeks
2. Siege warfare
2. A similar operation by a police or other force to compel the surrender of an armed person
3. A prolonged period of misfortune
• I've been having a siege of headaches

Well, I've been going through what has felt like a financial siege with no end in sight. I have felt desperate at times, although not as desperate as some individuals have been in history.

Yesterday and this morning my Bible readings have been from 2 Kings 6 and 7. These were some rough times for Israel. Their kings were wicked and had led them astray, which caused God to allow surrounding nations to attack them in an effort to draw them back to God. This was also during Prophet Elisha's time.

At the end of Chapter 6, in verse 24, the story begins by saying, "Afterward Benhadad king of Syria gathered his whole army and went up and besieged Samaria (the Capital of Israel), 25 And a great famine came to Samaria. They besieged it, until a donkey's head was sold for eighty shekels of silver, and the fourth of a kab of dove's dung [a wild vegetable] for five shekels of silver." (Amplified Translation).

The story continues with the telling of two women who were so desperate that they made an agreement to give up their sons to each other to be boiled and eaten. One of the women calls out to the King of Israel for help because they had boiled and eaten her son the day before and the other woman had now hidden her son and wouldn't give him up to be boiled and eaten. The king rent his clothes and called for the beheadment of the Prophet Elisha, blaming him for the siege and famine, since he was a prophet of God.

The story seem unbelievable to me and sickening and it is sickening. What these two women, and maybe others were doing to just survive, is beyond my comprehension, thankfully. Well the story continues...

God reveals to the Prophet Elisha that the king has sent his messenger before him to behead Elisha. We pick this up in verse 32, "Now Elisha sat in his house, and the elders sat with him; and the king sent a man from before him [to behead Elisha]. But before the messenger arrived, Elisha said to the elders, See how this son of [Jezebel] a murderer is sending to remove my head? Look, when the messenger comes, shut the door, and hold it fast against him. Is not the sound of his master's feet [just] behind him? 33 And while Elisha was talking with them, lo, the messenger came to him [and then the king came also]. And [the relenting king] said, This evil is from the Lord! Why should I longer wait [expecting Him to withdraw His punishment? What, Elisha, can be done now]?" (Amplified Translation).

Elisha then went on to give the king a message from God. Chapter 7, verse 1, "Then Elisha said, Hear the word of the Lord: Thus says the Lord, Tomorrow about this time a measure of fine flour will sell for a shekel, and two measures of barley for a shekel, in the gate of Samaria!" (Amplified Translation).

The story goes on to tell how this happened the next day, how God brought about the ending of the siege on Samaria.

There were two significant lessons in this for me today, which I took note of even in my emotional and spiritual misery.

1.  How sad that those two women didn't wait two more days! The one woman never gave up her son, but the one who had given her son to be boiled and eaten had to live with the knowledge that not only did she commit a horrible crime/sin, but if she had only waited 2 or 3 more days, her son would still be alive. The Bible doesn't say what happened to the woman who gave up her son, but I would have felt like killing myself in horror at what I had done, if I was that woman. I would have felt just as bad, if not worse as the other woman who had helped to eat the son.
   
   The Lesson: Desperation at the situations in life, whether brought on by our own doing or the doings of others, is not worth committing a crime/sin (although I have to admit that I've been extremely difficult to live with this week and have been hateful and irritable with my brothers, a sin in its own right.).
2. God can change things around in a day (a week, an hour, whatever time period). The siege can end at any time. One day two women were agreeing to boil and eat their sons because of the siege/famine in Samaria, but the next day, they all had all the food they wanted.
   
   The Lesson: The siege may be the hardest thing you will ever go through, endure. Given time and at the right time, God will end the siege and turn things around. My part is to hang in there and endure to the end of the siege, even if it kills me literally.

I am praying and hoping the siege will end soon and I believe it will. I believe that God was telling me that the siege will be over very soon, just as the Bible reading talked about the ending of the siege. In talking with one of my sisters tonight, I realized that this area of "provision" is where I had rebelled at the age to 16. I had said, "If this is the way God is, I don't want any part with Him." I plead with God to forgive me for being so foolish; I had no idea what I was saying and have no desire to rebel like that again.

It's interesting (and more painful than my Dad's dying, I'm sorry to say) that I'm now being tested in the exact same way and manner as I had been then. Although it is horribly painful to me emotionally, I no longer want to turn away in anger and rebellion. I just want to get through it and not verbally and emotionally "destroy" my brothers in the process. I would rather not become homeless and thankfully, due to my sister and brother-in-law offering to help with the balance I need to pay rent, my rent will get paid in August. As far as the remaining financial issues I am experiencing, as in possible loss of car, phone, electric, gas, water, etc., I hope that God will provide the means to pay these through work or whatever, but I know that no matter what happens, I have and will continue to choose God. Just as Job said, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him." (Job 13:15, NKJV).

Enduring the tough times...

It has been a while since I've posted on the site here. Mostly because life has been too hard and depressing to handle actually writing about it. I'm depressed again today, but for some reason am feeling a need to write about it anyways.

It's been difficult to emotionally deal with the negative situations in my life, particularly since there doesn't seem to be much I can do about them (I am doing all that I can to change the situation, but so far nothing has changed yet). The most difficult part of my situation is the lack of income, lack of money to pay even the basics like rent, electric, gas, phone, car payment, auto insurance, etc. I don't know what I'm going to do. The reality is that if God doesn't intervene this next week, I may lose everything and be on the street, homeless and without a car. Not a pleasant thought.

Another situation I'm facing is having to deal with emotions that have come up after about 45 years! Didn't think I was going to have to deal with this again, but here it is. When I was a kid, around 5 years of age, our family lived in Illinois. We had some really rough times in Illinois and I have very few good memories from that time. One of the rough times we went through triggered a serious anger issue in me towards God and my parents. Pure hatred in fact. I can recognize now that I didn't feel taken care of because we had nothing left to eat in the house, except potatoes and turnips, which my stomach couldn't tolerate. Even though I was a young kid, I realize now that I felt neglected and uncared for, unprotected by my parents and by God and I became very angry. I don't really remember getting angry at that time, but I must have, because after growing up more, I would feel deep-seated anger and bitterness towards God and my parents every time I felt poor. I hated God and my parents for making my life miserable and not taking care of me as I felt they should have!

On top of my anger towards God and my parents, I also felt deep-seated anger towards my brothers for the abuse I experienced from them and for their total disregard for cleanliness and good manners. I hated them for it, for making me feel like I was growing up in a pigsty with a bunch of wallowing pigs!

This anger has permeated my whole life and has been so destructive to me as an individual, both emotionally and spiritually. I've struggled to love others, particularly men, and I've always trusted money more than God, another destructive result of the anger.

And now, wouldn't you know, God has me back in an almost exact same type of situation, except this time the lack of money is my own stupidity for listening to DU and not forcing them to fire me and I have plenty of food so far, since I've been able to get food stamps at least through the end of July. Otherwise, it's pretty much the same because two of the brothers, Tom and JD, who I felt such anger towards are living with me. The third one, Martin, passed away in 2009. Although JD has been fairly well trained in cleanliness around food by my friend Chris and me during the past year of all of us living together, my other brother still has a long ways to go. This afternoon, I went to get the tub of butter out of the fridge and the lid and sides of the butter tub were covered with various food pieces and auto grease. It was soooooo gross and it brought up all of the old feelings of anger and bitterness towards my brothers for acting like we live in a barnyard.

Well, I don't want to hold onto the anger this time. I want to let it go and not let it permeate my whole life. I am asking God to help me to forgive my parents, Him, and my brothers and help me to let it go emotionally and spiritually. Yes, I can also request that my brother wash his hands in the future before touching any food items and keep reminding him as long as I have to until he finally gets the message, but just having to face the yuckiness and stupidity of this situation today, when everything is such a struggle to face anyways has almost been too much!

But Lord, here I am. I'm still going to trust that You love me and care for me and that You will help me turn things around when the time is right. Thank You for Your grace and mercy and Your faithfulness. Amen.

 

How long and how far...

Have you ever been hiking a trail that is much longer than you realized and is taking much more energy than you had planned on or were prepared for?

Just before the start of my senior year in academy (high school), I moved out to Scottsdale, Arizona, to Thunderbird Adventist Academy. I was planning to start my senior year there and had gone out during the summer before so I could become familiar with the school and begin working to help pay for my room and board and tuition.

I don't remember if it was a youth group or some other group that I joined with, but whatever group it was, we decided to take a trip up to the Grand Canyon. We wanted to hike down the Bright Angel trail (9.3 miles) to the campground, spend the night, and hike back up the following morning. Going down was fairly easy, although near the end it was starting to get dark, which made it a little scary, but we all made it down quickly and spent the night on the floor of the canyon.

The next morning, bright and early, before anyone else got up, I decided I wanted to get a head start going back up the canyon. I had come to know that the Arizona sun was indeed very hot by mid-day and there was no way I wanted to still be climbing the canyon. What I didn't think about when I had this bright idea and as I got started on the trail back up is that I didn't have enough water in my canteen to keep me from getting dehydrated and enough food to keep my blood sugar normal. To say the least, as I kept climbing and climbing up the canyon, I became more and more dehydrated and my blood sugar dropped further and further and it was harder and harder to put one foot in front of the other.

As I continued to hike, I began to feel as if I would never make it back up that canyon and began to worry about dying out there. I didn't know any of the other people on the trail since I had left all of my group back at the camp, which was very dangerous for me to have done. Thankfully, I wasn't the only one on the trail that day, otherwise I might would have died. Near the end of the trail when I was just barely functioning, someone gave me an orange to bring my blood sugar back up. Someone else gave me water from their canteen.

Well, I did make it back up to the top of the canyon, but was severely reprimanded by the park rangers at the station. I had to lay down for several hours, while they gave me water to rehydrate me and kept a close watch over me until my own group members arrived and we all headed back to school.

I remember thinking several times on the grueling climb back up that day that I just didn't know if I would make it. I could barely force one foot in front of another. It was the feeling of reaching your limit, of being stretched, whether emotionally, physically, spiritually, or mentally or in every area, and wondering if you are going to make it or if you might just lay down and "die."

This is what this jobless and moneyless situation feels like to me. I feel stretched to the utmost and I think, Lord, how far and how long are you going to stretch me? Can we have a break? Stop and rest and have some water to drink? How long, O' Lord, how long?

Well, I didn't die that day, hiking up the Grand Canyon, and I daresay that somehow I will survive this too. Only God knows just how far and how long I can be stretched before "breaking." And only God knows why He has chosen to allow this "stretching" to happen and to allow it to continue beyond anything I had imagined, but I sure hope I come forth as "gold," and not just "silver" out of this one! LOL!

On to another day of being "stretched" to the utmost!

I've been sifted...

Have you ever been "sifted"? Let me explain. In Luke 22:31-34, Jesus told the disciple Simon Peter that Satan had asked to "sift" all of the disciples, including Peter.

31"Simon, Simon (Peter), listen! Satan has asked excessively that (all of) you be given up to him--out of the power and keeping of God--that he might sift (all of) you like grain, [Job 1:6-12; Amos 9:9.] 32But I have prayed especially for you [Peter] that your [own] faith may not fail; and when you yourself have turned again, strengthen and establish your brethren. 33And [Simon Peter] said to Him, Lord, I am ready to go with You both to prison and to death. 34But Jesus said, I tell you, Peter, before a [single] cock shall crow this day, you will three times [utterly] deny that you know me. (Amplified Translation).

Oh yes, I've been sifted. God has allowed the "moths to come in and destroy" (Matthew 6:19), and allowed the "devourer [insects and plagues]" (Malachi 3:11) to consume what I had because I was not faithful in fulfilling my vows to God. Even though I had promised God I would do something six months ago, a year ago, two years ago, I have not done what I promised; I have chosen to "put off" paying the vow when I could have and should have paid.

Oh Lord God, please do not let me do this again! Please remind me of the pain and stress my disobedience causes. Help me to be faithful to You at all times, not just when it's convenient. Amen.

My prayer today...

O' Lord God, please have mercy upon me today. Please give me a grateful heart, a heart that sees Your blessings, kindness, mercy, and faithfulness. Please help me to see myself as I really am, a sinner in need of mercy and grace, and a daughter of The King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Please give me a humble, contrite heart, a heart "sensitive and responsive" to Your touch and voice as You have promised in Ezekiel 11:19-20 (Amplified Translation). May I learn to forgive others and myself, just as You have forgiven me. Help me to "run the way of Your commandments" and please "give me a heart that is willing" as You have promised in Psalm 119:32 (Amplified Translation). Thank You. Amen.

Feeling "Hemmed In"

Today, when thinking about my circumstances of no job, no income, no money in the bank (in fact, the account is minus as of today) and plenty of bills that are already past due, I realized that I feel "hemmed in." It's like no matter if I try to go forward, backwards, or sideways, there is no way out of the "box" of my circumstances; there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to make it change and nothing I do seems to change anything. 

I've only been in this "box" one other time that I can readily remember and it was for similar circumstances, except at that time I had a job, an income, but my income wasn't enough to cover my bills. I had just enough to cover food, gas, electric, and very little else. Eventually, the situation eased up, but it took quite a while before it did.

Now I'm in similar, if not worse straits financially and today I wanted to know more about what God may or may not be doing by "hemming me in." In Psalms 139:5, David talks about God "hemming him in," or at least that is what the NIV says. In the Amplified, it says, "You have beset me and shut me in behind and before, and have laid Your hand upon me. " When I read the whole chapter, the "hemming in" sounds more like protection and blessing than negative. But I continued to look up other verses. In Psalms 4:1 (Amplified), David says, "Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness [uprightness, justice and right standing with You]! You have freed me when I was hemmed in and enlarged me when I was in distress; have mercy upon me and hear my prayer." This is obviously an example of being "hemmed in" by enemies and God has freed him from the circumstances.

The interesting thing when comparing the two different verses above is that in one, it sounds like God is doing the "hemming in" (Psalms 139:5) and in the other (Psalms 4:1), God is doing the freeing from the "being hemmed in." So, it appears that sometimes God hems us in and sometimes He frees us from being hemmed in.

While looking up Biblical information on the topic, I came across a couple of blog postings that talk about being hemmed in. One author, MTJ, at the blog site, My Thought-filled Journey: Hemmed In , talks about the Israelites at the Red Sea and how they were "hemmed in." According to MTJ, "They feared Pharaoh and his army. But God wanted to move them from the place of fear to the place of faith. To get them to the place of faith," (MTJ, 2010) i.e., God had to "hem them in" so that He could then "deliver Israel and demolish Pharaoh's army." (MTJ, 2010). They needed to see God as their Deliverer, their Savior, the One to turn to in faith and hope.

In the case of the Israelites, it appears that God brought them to a place where they were "hemmed in" so that He could show them His power and as noted in the paragraph above, move them from fear of Pharaoh to faith in God. I expect this is the type of "hemming in" I'm experiencing in my life. I have felt that unless God saves me, I'm finished, I'm done in financially. In fact, one of my greatest fears has been and is the lack of money. The lack of money to pay my bills and take care of my needs, and it may be that God is wanting to move me from my place of fear that comes from a "lack of money" to a place of faith, dependent upon Him, my true source. I desire to be delivered from my love/hate relationship with "mammon" and the only way God can deliver me is to require me to face the fear with Him at my side.

Another interesting point brought out by MTJ was that when he has been "hemmed in" he is not without hope. He will trust God to deliver him. He will "walk to the shoreline." He will do his part "and trust God to make a way." (MTJ, 2010).

So now, reflecting upon these verses and the story of the Israelites, it does give me some hope. I can better see why God would bring me to this point again and in worst circumstances than before. I have nowhere to turn, but to cry out to my God, "Please save me," and walk forward, trusting Him to open a pathway when the time is right, doing what I can like applying to DHS (Oh yeah, that was fun!), protesting the UIA's determination to deny unemployment benefits (Such joy!), and continuing to apply to jobs, knowing that eventually the right one, at the right time, will be there. Hopefully, growing in faith and recognizing that "mammon" or money is not my source, God is!

Reference: MTJ. (11/2010). Hemmed in. My Thought-filled Journey blog. Retrieved June 2, 2011, from: http://mythought-filledjourney.blogspot.com/2010/11/hemmed-in.html

déjà vu (already seen)...

This morning I'm experiencing déjà vu, or another way to put it would be "been here, done this." My Bible reading for this morning included Ruth 1 and 2. In the story, Naomi says upon her return to her hometown Bethlehem, "...call me not Naomi [pleasant], call me Mara [bitter]; for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me" (Amplified Translation).

Here I am again (see April 4, 2008) ! Boy, how I hate being here and how I hate working through the mess again. In 2008, I was just coming off from having lost my home after the attempt to move to Montana in May 2007. That trip brought me so many losses financially and emotionally that it took months or even a full year to feel "blessed" again. And now here I am again in similar circumstances, but this time without a job to go back to. Although I believe that God will provide a job soon, I am experiencing losses again, just as I did back in 2007.

Since 2007, I have come to realize that I was deceived by the enemy appearing as an "angel of light," into believing that moving to Montana to be closer to a man I had fallen for was God's will. I was praying the whole time, but unfortunately, I don't think I was listening. I kept having nagging thoughts and feelings that maybe I shouldn't go, maybe I needed to rethink the whole thing, but I had already gone so far down the path that I felt compelled to keep moving forward towards what became my own financial/emotional destruction, or almost destruction, except for the grace of God!

Unfortunately, a similar thing has happened with the job I took in September 2010. Although I really enjoyed my job at WMU, I felt angry that nothing was being done to upgrade the position, so that we, the team members, could be paid what we should have been paid. I was also frustrated that there seemed to be no room to grow. So, when DU wanted to interview me, I was very ripe for being deceived by the enemy again. I wanted two things: more pay and room to grow, and DU seemed to offer both. Again, I was praying, but I don't know that I was listening. I had a few nagging thoughts and feelings even after the second interview, but I was so longing for more pay and room to grow that I again felt compelled to go forward towards what became my own financial/emotional destruction. Ugh!

Been here, done this, don't ever want to do this again! Although it is very painful and frustrating to be here again and experiencing such losses, I'm thankful that God will see me through it, again. But, I have to say, I hope this is the last time I allow myself to be deceived in such manner. I pray that I'll not only be praying, but also fully listening. I pray that the next time I'm making a huge decision and I experience those "nagging thoughts and feelings" again, I'll stop and rethink my choices, my decision, and never go down this path again!