Labor Day at Lake Michigan in South Haven...

Choosing life and going forward in faith...

Yesterday the sermon was on going forward in faith. Our head elder, who gave the sermon, spoke on Mark 9:17-29. In verse 22, the father of the son that was demon-possessed said to Jesus, "but if You can do anything, do have pity on us and help us." 23 "And Jesus said, [You say to Me], If you can do anything? [Why,] all things can be--are possible--to him who believes!" 24 "At once the father of the boy gave (an eager, piercing, inarticulate) cry with tears, and he said, Lord, I believe! Constantly help my weakness of faith!"

The sermon really spoke to me because I had just had a dream that morning that at first seemed like an awful dream, but later as I was writing about how weak and helpless I sometimes feel, I sensed that it may have been symbolic, rather than literal and it spoke to me of being broken, helpless, so weak and without faith. In the dream I was beside a car that had been in an accident. There was a woman lying on the floorboard on the passenger side, all broken and unable to move, but able to talk. It seemed almost as if I was her and yet I spoke to her. I said, "Give me your hand." She said, "I can't." I replied, "That's OK, I'll just hold your hand." I then reached over, took a hold of her hand and held it tightly, while saying, "It's OK." "Don't worry, I'll stay here with you."

While telling my brother of the dream, he said how it reminded him of how God just reaches down and takes our hand when we are too weak to help ourselves. So true. My brother has been struggling with smoking and drinking again and feels so helpless and I feel so helpless to help him.

Too often I have also found myself back at square one, starting over after trying so hard for so long, not with alcohol, but with my own issues. I know how discouraging it feels to be back there. In fact, last night I felt quite discouraged about several things in my life and about my brother's life. But then during my prayer time this morning, I realized that I must step forward in faith, I must not give up on praying for myself, my brother, or others. The enemy wants us to give up, but God is right there with us saying, "Don't give up!" "All things are possible to him/her that believes."

I also realized today that as hard as it is to start over, as hard as it is to get back up, we must. Sometimes we are so broken we just have to sit there a while and let God hold our hand and tell us it will be OK, but eventually we must get up again. We must choose life for as long as we can! We must go forward in faith!

"The Lesson"

Although there have been several lessons resulting from my attempted move to Montana this past June, I have continued to feel like I was still missing a piece to the puzzle or I still didn't quite understand the purpose of it all. In fact, I couldn't explain what had happened and why it had happened the way it did.

Well, as of yesterday, the inability to explain what happened has changed. I was talking with one of the girls at work about finances, trying to get out of debt so that I could move and seek a life for myself, when I said something like, "The only reason I didn't stay was because I didn't feel I could pay my bills (which include debt, of course) with the pay I was being offered." All of a sudden it was clear as a bell, this was "THE LESSON" I needed to learn, this was the purpose of all of it! I needed to learn that the only way I would ever be free to answer God's call, to go and do as He wills, was to be debt free.

Prior to this new understanding coming out of an extremely vivid experience, I always thought and talked about being debt free, but it never became a priority in my life. Now I know I never want to be in this position again where debt has made me dependent upon a particular company, job, income, or place. I want to be free to go and do as God wills.

So cute, I just had to share it...

My sister-in-law sent a link to this video today and it was so cute I just wanted to share it here. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.


Little Girl and Psalm 23 - Bluefish TV
To play the video, click on the arrow in the middle.

No decisions made without prayer...

I've been reading the book by Elizabeth George called, "A Woman's Call to Prayer: Making Your Desire to Pray a Reality." Prayer has always been an area of disappointment to me. Either it feels like my prayers aren't very effective, never quite know what to say or ask for, or oftentimes it feels like they aren't being answered. I guess that's why they don't seem very effective.

In one of the chapters, the author talks about knowing God's will and making decisions. She said she came to the point where she realized she needed to "Make no decision without prayer." This was a new and somewhat difficult thought for me, but I wanted to experiment with it, so I started a prayer journal specifically for listing any decisions I needed to make and presenting them before God. I found that there were some decisions I didn't want to present to Him as I wasn't so sure I wanted to know His will in the matter. A little rebellion there, I think. I wanted to make some of my decisions on my own without His input. But I went ahead and put them down and prayed about them (well, except for two of them, I must admit). Other decisions, of course, I felt desperate for His input and questioned whether or not He would or will provide any.

Well, since I've just started I don't have a lot of results to report yet. I'm going to try this method for a few weeks and see how it goes. The rest of the information that I've read in the book is good also, but not so new to my thought process.

Filling my soul with light...

God has answered my prayer for light instead of darkness in my soul. Today a friend of mine at church handed me a book and asked me to browse through it and tell her what I think of it. She said, "If you like it, we'll get you one when our check comes in at the first of the month."

As I began browsing through the book and reading different sections, everything I read was very uplifting and encouraging. I ended up reading a couple sections that spoke to me and my current situation very directly and gave me hope on what I can do to change it.

Later as my friend and I were taking a walk after potluck (my new habit), she told me that God had really impressed her that I need to read the book she had handed to me, but her husband didn't want to give up the book, understandably, so they were going to buy the book for me. What a blessing!

The book is called, "Your Best Life Now" by Joel Osteen. The section that spoke the most to me today was titled, "Let God Do It His Way." I'm not a very patient person and this is one of my greatest areas of struggle. When I feel that God has given me direction, has told me that something is going to be, or has called me to do something, I put my emotional, mental, spiritual, and sometimes physical engine in "Drive" and go. Too often I find myself half-way down the road, all of a sudden feeling all alone and wondering where He's at, when I look back and see that He's still at the starting gate. Let me tell you now...having to back up, sometimes to a situation that is less desirable than it was, and then having to wait for the instructions to go forward isn't all that fun. I really want to learn to "do it His way" the first time around. It sure would make life more manageable.

Thankfully, even when I have gone forward before He was ready for me to, and have created a mess, He doesn't desert me. He just waits for me to back up, resettle, get through all the emotions the "going forward and backing up" has created, and then when He is ready, He will lead the way. This time, I'm praying and praying that I will just follow and not run ahead again. Running ahead is just too exhausting and such a total waste of time and energy!

Beauty and peace...

Tonight I long for beauty and peace in my soul more than anything. Right now I am using this photo of a beautiful and peaceful sky that I took back in May from my front yard, as my desktop background. It represents how I want to feel rather than how I have felt this week.

Last night we had some storms come through that were fairly violent and took out my electricity. I thought about how much my emotions felt like those storms and how my life this week felt similar to being without electricity, full of darkness. I told God that I didn't want to be filled with darkness. I wanted His light to fill my soul! I hate it when I feel at odds with God.

Tonight, when talking with one of my sisters about my feelings right now, she mentioned how much it reminded her of the feelings I had previously expressed regarding my relationship with my Dad when he was alive. It is true that I have at times projected the feelings I felt with my Dad onto my relationship with God. I guess they have represented similar positions in my life. My Dad was my "rock" and now God is becoming my "Rock." The biggest difference, other than God is God and my Dad was only a human, is that I expect so much more from God than I did from my Dad because He is God.

At the end of my Dad's life, I was at peace with our relationship, but the truth is we didn't really have a relationship. I just accepted that we never would have the type of relationship I desired. My Dad never really understood my thoughts and where I was coming from. Although I knew he loved me, I didn't feel his love. I think I expected some type of love he wasn't able to give.

With God being God I expect Him to not only understand my needs, but to provide the relationship I desire with Him. When I don't understand Him, His action or non-action in my life, or I feel that He has left me in the dark about something I become angry at Him. Again, although I intellectually know God loves me and have at times felt loved by Him, just as it was with my Dad, I oftentimes don't feel very loved by God. This time I know I'm not asking for a love that God isn't able to give, but maybe I'm asking for a demonstration of love in a way He's not always willing to give or isn't always the best for me. I'm not sure, but I know this is an area of contention. I expect Him to act on my behalf or in a certain way and I feel frustrated, angry, and unloved when He doesn't. I think it's a trust issue. I still don't quite trust that His way, His choice, His will for me is the best.

Thankfully, God isn't done with me yet!