And the journey continues...

My life journey has been quite rocky and difficult this year and particularly in the past several months. After losing my job, being denied unemployment, and spending the next three months learning how to live on the bare minimum that others and DHS provides, frantically looking for work and still not finding anything, having a brother move into my house that really shouldn't have been moving in and now, still not having a job, still having a brother living with me that shouldn't be living with me and trying to understand and know what God wants me to do to go forward in my life, I find that I am having to take each day, moment by moment. I can only do what I can do and I am seeking God's will in everything I do, so I know eventually the answers will come.

In the meantime, I'm now back in school as of September 6, still working on my MA in Educational Technology, and I'm also taking an online class called Fascinating Womanhood. The class, and the book it is based on, is about "strengthening your marriage" and "enriching your life." I'm not married, but that is a status I would like to change and I feel that God brought me to the point where I would be open to learning the principles this book/class advocates.

The principles the book/class recommends to live by are not principles I learned growing up, nor are they principles that any of my friends would live by or recommend at this time, except for one of my friends, the friend who loaned me the book in hopes that it might would help me to better understand how I need to live my life. It's interesting, because the friend who loaned me the book has the best marriage of all of my friends and yet they all think she has it by luck. I do think she has a head start on many of us, because she grew up in a home where the parents were loving towards each other and didn't destroy each other like in some homes and including the Christian home I grew up in. She also has a husband who has developed his communication skills, his emotional and spiritual life much more than almost any man I've known before and these two factors make a huge difference. But, having said that, I believe that because she, whether knowingly or unknowingly lives the principles expounded upon in FW, they have a beautiful marriage. Is it perfect? No, but it's not luck and it's not even just because they are Christians, because the rate of divorce for Christian marriages is almost the same as non-Christians. It's learning how to treat each other, cultivating the warmth and love or as FW would say "celestial love" that should be part of every Christian marriage, and dare I say, all marriages?

Keep on keeping on...and still go above and beyond

One of the phrases in Al-Anon (and AA, NA, etc.) is "Keep on keeping on" and that is what I'm doing today. I can only go forward, which means I continue to submit my resume to possible jobs, I follow up on opportunities still in progress or unknown yet, and I continue to network, search, and do whatever I can to "drum-up" opportunities. I've never experienced such a situation before where I've looked for work, even been interviewed for work, and still don't have work, but I guess there is a first time for everything and this is the time economically when trying to find work is difficult. The companies that are hiring have many potential employees to choose from and although I feel I'm a strong candidate, I have a lot of experience, I'm professional, smart, and learn quickly, I may not be "standing out"  as well as I should or could and that is what I have to work on. I need to find a way to highlight my strengths and show the employers why they should hire me over the others. And this is where I will apply the "go above and beyond." To another day of trying to shine!

Encouraging words...

This morning I woke up with the feeling somewhat depressed and dreading the day. I felt discouraged at facing the same-ole-same-ole that has permeated the past three months. Also, I will be losing phone service tonight at midnight and I was going to have to call my car loan company to let them know that unless a miracle came about, I would not be making partial payment on Monday as I had hoped. Not fun things to wake up to.

Finally, 15 or 20 minutes later, I got up and made some coffee and went back to my bedroom to have my morning time with God. While journaling, I acknowledged that I was having a very difficult time facing the day and wasn't sure if I could accomplish anything. Oftentimes, when I feel like there isn't anything I can do to accomplish anything worthwhile, I will remind myself of a saying I received from a friend of mine long ago. "Today, I'll focus on what I can do, not on what I can't do." So, I wrote down, "What can I do"? And proceeded to list five or six things that I thought I probably could manage to do and needed to do or might be helpful to someone else. Here are the six, now seven things, I felt capable of accomplishing in spite of the current emotions and situation.

1. I can take care of the bank account verification and send it to DHS.
2. I can follow up on Phill's brother James for Aunt Margaret.
3. I can call Santander (my car loan company) and let them know I won't be able to make payment, but I am still wanting to keep the car and expect that by the first of September, I will be able to bring my account current.
4. I can call Verizon and at least them know that I won't have the payment as expected, but I will pay my account as soon as possible.
5. I can figure out food for Sabbath lunch (this is an easy one, thankfully!)
6. I can call to check on prices of my prescription medicines so as to find out where I should have them filled (JD is helping me to get them filled).
7. I can write a note to Christa (still haven't done this, but will before end of day to then send tomorrow).

Armed with a focus on what I can do, I set out to at least accomplish those things.

One of the first things I did was to go to the bank to get the verification form filled out. Deb, the bank representative who started helping me, and I began talking some about my situation and the difficulties I have been and am now experiencing due to my unemployment and denial of unemployment. We talked about what jobs are out there and she mentioned a couple of places that I might want to consider applying to, as they oftentimes are hiring. She was very nice and treated me with respect, in spite of my financial status, and as much as I'm down on banks and their insensitivity to people who are struggling financially, I have to say she at least improved my feelings about some of the bank's employees.

During our conversation, Deb mentioned that she had gone through a rough time and still struggles with the effect of her husband having a sudden heart attack 19 months ago at the age of 55. It was a devastating shock to her and her life, as she had only worked part-time before, and of course now she was having to fully support herself. We talked about how to get through the rough times and how we just have to continue and do what we can until things turn around. It was a blessing and an encouragement. It also made me cry my heart out to God after leaving the bank, telling Him how tired and scared I was. But, it helped me to once again accept where I am at this moment in time and trust that as I continue to focus each day on what I can do, eventually things will turn around for me and I will be a stronger person for having gone through these events.

Thanks, Deb, for the encouraging words and I pray that God will comfort you as you have encouraged me.

Thinking about the good things in life...

I was talking with a friend of mine today about my personal blog and some of her thoughts about it, since she had read some of it last night. She said," readers might learn that you battle depression." Ouch! That is true at times and it's kind of weird because I tend to write when I'm feeling depressed. In fact, it's one of the ways I process my feelings. That's not all bad, of course, but I just want to let my readers know that really, I'm not depressed all the time. I enjoy a lot of things in life and am grateful for all the blessings, friends, and family I have. And, I'm sorry if I've been a little depressing in my writing. I have been going through a very difficult time in my life, but there are a lot of positives too and I need to reflect on them more.

For example, today I went for a walk by the Kalamazoo River over in Plainwell at the Veteran's Memorial Park. It was a beautiful, sunny, not too hot and not too cold day and I wandered around, listening to flow of the river, taking pictures of the river and flowers in the park, and petting a friendly lab while talking with her owner. I should have taken a close-up of the dog, but didn't think about it until her and her owner were already gone, walking across the trestle bridge that spans the river. Here are a few of the photos I took while at the park.

Grieving today...

Yesterday and today I have felt such sadness and loneliness. It seems odd, like I'm not quite sure where it's coming from and what's causing it. Of course, there are several things I can think of that are adding to it, if not actually causing it.

For starters, Denyse, my close friend of eight plus years moved to Florida this past May. We didn't really spend much time together during the week, but on Sabbath after church my brother and I would just hang out with her and her husband and talk about anything and everything. I miss that! And then, my friend Chris and her husband Don who stayed with me over the winter, are down in Texas right now trying to take care of some of their scrap vehicles that had to be moved from where they were being stored. Chris and I text all the time, but it's not the same as having someone to talk with face-to-face and just hang out or go to the beach with. They will be back home in Michigan in another week or two, but I miss seeing them and hanging out with them. Also, FC, who I've been seeing since last December, didn't call at all to get together this weekend and I miss being with him and feeling like I almost have a boyfriend! :) And finally, Phill (or Chief Strongheart to me), my ex-boyfriend and lifetime love passed away July 10, from a diabetes-related, severe, staph infection and related strokes.

Even though Phill and I were only together officially from 1996-2001, unofficially together off-and-on from 2001-2006, and only at special times since 2006, our hearts connected when I was nine and he was ten and have been connected ever since until now. I miss knowing that someone knows me that well, knows my history, knew my parents, knew my family, knew my heart like he did. I miss his heart!

I guess the above is probably enough to make me feel deep sadness and loneliness today!

Chief Strongheart (tall, dark-haired Native American Indian) and me between two of his brothers, Tim and his wife Annie (left) and Sam (right). Taken at the dinner following his Mom's burial in Northport, Michigan, in July 2008.

Under Seige...

Have you ever felt you were under siege by something or someone? It could be a disease, a financial situation, a situation at work or a disability. According to Web Dictionary, siege is defined as:

1. A military operation in which enemy forces surround a town or building, cutting off essential supplies, with the aim of compelling the surrender of those inside
1. Verdun had withstood a siege of ten weeks
2. Siege warfare
2. A similar operation by a police or other force to compel the surrender of an armed person
3. A prolonged period of misfortune
• I've been having a siege of headaches

Well, I've been going through what has felt like a financial siege with no end in sight. I have felt desperate at times, although not as desperate as some individuals have been in history.

Yesterday and this morning my Bible readings have been from 2 Kings 6 and 7. These were some rough times for Israel. Their kings were wicked and had led them astray, which caused God to allow surrounding nations to attack them in an effort to draw them back to God. This was also during Prophet Elisha's time.

At the end of Chapter 6, in verse 24, the story begins by saying, "Afterward Benhadad king of Syria gathered his whole army and went up and besieged Samaria (the Capital of Israel), 25 And a great famine came to Samaria. They besieged it, until a donkey's head was sold for eighty shekels of silver, and the fourth of a kab of dove's dung [a wild vegetable] for five shekels of silver." (Amplified Translation).

The story continues with the telling of two women who were so desperate that they made an agreement to give up their sons to each other to be boiled and eaten. One of the women calls out to the King of Israel for help because they had boiled and eaten her son the day before and the other woman had now hidden her son and wouldn't give him up to be boiled and eaten. The king rent his clothes and called for the beheadment of the Prophet Elisha, blaming him for the siege and famine, since he was a prophet of God.

The story seem unbelievable to me and sickening and it is sickening. What these two women, and maybe others were doing to just survive, is beyond my comprehension, thankfully. Well the story continues...

God reveals to the Prophet Elisha that the king has sent his messenger before him to behead Elisha. We pick this up in verse 32, "Now Elisha sat in his house, and the elders sat with him; and the king sent a man from before him [to behead Elisha]. But before the messenger arrived, Elisha said to the elders, See how this son of [Jezebel] a murderer is sending to remove my head? Look, when the messenger comes, shut the door, and hold it fast against him. Is not the sound of his master's feet [just] behind him? 33 And while Elisha was talking with them, lo, the messenger came to him [and then the king came also]. And [the relenting king] said, This evil is from the Lord! Why should I longer wait [expecting Him to withdraw His punishment? What, Elisha, can be done now]?" (Amplified Translation).

Elisha then went on to give the king a message from God. Chapter 7, verse 1, "Then Elisha said, Hear the word of the Lord: Thus says the Lord, Tomorrow about this time a measure of fine flour will sell for a shekel, and two measures of barley for a shekel, in the gate of Samaria!" (Amplified Translation).

The story goes on to tell how this happened the next day, how God brought about the ending of the siege on Samaria.

There were two significant lessons in this for me today, which I took note of even in my emotional and spiritual misery.

1.  How sad that those two women didn't wait two more days! The one woman never gave up her son, but the one who had given her son to be boiled and eaten had to live with the knowledge that not only did she commit a horrible crime/sin, but if she had only waited 2 or 3 more days, her son would still be alive. The Bible doesn't say what happened to the woman who gave up her son, but I would have felt like killing myself in horror at what I had done, if I was that woman. I would have felt just as bad, if not worse as the other woman who had helped to eat the son.
   
   The Lesson: Desperation at the situations in life, whether brought on by our own doing or the doings of others, is not worth committing a crime/sin (although I have to admit that I've been extremely difficult to live with this week and have been hateful and irritable with my brothers, a sin in its own right.).
2. God can change things around in a day (a week, an hour, whatever time period). The siege can end at any time. One day two women were agreeing to boil and eat their sons because of the siege/famine in Samaria, but the next day, they all had all the food they wanted.
   
   The Lesson: The siege may be the hardest thing you will ever go through, endure. Given time and at the right time, God will end the siege and turn things around. My part is to hang in there and endure to the end of the siege, even if it kills me literally.

I am praying and hoping the siege will end soon and I believe it will. I believe that God was telling me that the siege will be over very soon, just as the Bible reading talked about the ending of the siege. In talking with one of my sisters tonight, I realized that this area of "provision" is where I had rebelled at the age to 16. I had said, "If this is the way God is, I don't want any part with Him." I plead with God to forgive me for being so foolish; I had no idea what I was saying and have no desire to rebel like that again.

It's interesting (and more painful than my Dad's dying, I'm sorry to say) that I'm now being tested in the exact same way and manner as I had been then. Although it is horribly painful to me emotionally, I no longer want to turn away in anger and rebellion. I just want to get through it and not verbally and emotionally "destroy" my brothers in the process. I would rather not become homeless and thankfully, due to my sister and brother-in-law offering to help with the balance I need to pay rent, my rent will get paid in August. As far as the remaining financial issues I am experiencing, as in possible loss of car, phone, electric, gas, water, etc., I hope that God will provide the means to pay these through work or whatever, but I know that no matter what happens, I have and will continue to choose God. Just as Job said, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him." (Job 13:15, NKJV).

Enduring the tough times...

It has been a while since I've posted on the site here. Mostly because life has been too hard and depressing to handle actually writing about it. I'm depressed again today, but for some reason am feeling a need to write about it anyways.

It's been difficult to emotionally deal with the negative situations in my life, particularly since there doesn't seem to be much I can do about them (I am doing all that I can to change the situation, but so far nothing has changed yet). The most difficult part of my situation is the lack of income, lack of money to pay even the basics like rent, electric, gas, phone, car payment, auto insurance, etc. I don't know what I'm going to do. The reality is that if God doesn't intervene this next week, I may lose everything and be on the street, homeless and without a car. Not a pleasant thought.

Another situation I'm facing is having to deal with emotions that have come up after about 45 years! Didn't think I was going to have to deal with this again, but here it is. When I was a kid, around 5 years of age, our family lived in Illinois. We had some really rough times in Illinois and I have very few good memories from that time. One of the rough times we went through triggered a serious anger issue in me towards God and my parents. Pure hatred in fact. I can recognize now that I didn't feel taken care of because we had nothing left to eat in the house, except potatoes and turnips, which my stomach couldn't tolerate. Even though I was a young kid, I realize now that I felt neglected and uncared for, unprotected by my parents and by God and I became very angry. I don't really remember getting angry at that time, but I must have, because after growing up more, I would feel deep-seated anger and bitterness towards God and my parents every time I felt poor. I hated God and my parents for making my life miserable and not taking care of me as I felt they should have!

On top of my anger towards God and my parents, I also felt deep-seated anger towards my brothers for the abuse I experienced from them and for their total disregard for cleanliness and good manners. I hated them for it, for making me feel like I was growing up in a pigsty with a bunch of wallowing pigs!

This anger has permeated my whole life and has been so destructive to me as an individual, both emotionally and spiritually. I've struggled to love others, particularly men, and I've always trusted money more than God, another destructive result of the anger.

And now, wouldn't you know, God has me back in an almost exact same type of situation, except this time the lack of money is my own stupidity for listening to DU and not forcing them to fire me and I have plenty of food so far, since I've been able to get food stamps at least through the end of July. Otherwise, it's pretty much the same because two of the brothers, Tom and JD, who I felt such anger towards are living with me. The third one, Martin, passed away in 2009. Although JD has been fairly well trained in cleanliness around food by my friend Chris and me during the past year of all of us living together, my other brother still has a long ways to go. This afternoon, I went to get the tub of butter out of the fridge and the lid and sides of the butter tub were covered with various food pieces and auto grease. It was soooooo gross and it brought up all of the old feelings of anger and bitterness towards my brothers for acting like we live in a barnyard.

Well, I don't want to hold onto the anger this time. I want to let it go and not let it permeate my whole life. I am asking God to help me to forgive my parents, Him, and my brothers and help me to let it go emotionally and spiritually. Yes, I can also request that my brother wash his hands in the future before touching any food items and keep reminding him as long as I have to until he finally gets the message, but just having to face the yuckiness and stupidity of this situation today, when everything is such a struggle to face anyways has almost been too much!

But Lord, here I am. I'm still going to trust that You love me and care for me and that You will help me turn things around when the time is right. Thank You for Your grace and mercy and Your faithfulness. Amen.