This morning I'm experiencing déjà vu, or another way to put it would be "been here, done this." My Bible reading for this morning included Ruth 1 and 2. In the story, Naomi says upon her return to her hometown Bethlehem, "...call me not Naomi [pleasant], call me Mara [bitter]; for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me" (Amplified Translation).
Here I am again (see April 4, 2008) ! Boy, how I hate being here and how I hate working through the mess again. In 2008, I was just coming off from having lost my home after the attempt to move to Montana in May 2007. That trip brought me so many losses financially and emotionally that it took months or even a full year to feel "blessed" again. And now here I am again in similar circumstances, but this time without a job to go back to. Although I believe that God will provide a job soon, I am experiencing losses again, just as I did back in 2007.
Since 2007, I have come to realize that I was deceived by the enemy appearing as an "angel of light," into believing that moving to Montana to be closer to a man I had fallen for was God's will. I was praying the whole time, but unfortunately, I don't think I was listening. I kept having nagging thoughts and feelings that maybe I shouldn't go, maybe I needed to rethink the whole thing, but I had already gone so far down the path that I felt compelled to keep moving forward towards what became my own financial/emotional destruction, or almost destruction, except for the grace of God!
Unfortunately, a similar thing has happened with the job I took in September 2010. Although I really enjoyed my job at WMU, I felt angry that nothing was being done to upgrade the position, so that we, the team members, could be paid what we should have been paid. I was also frustrated that there seemed to be no room to grow. So, when DU wanted to interview me, I was very ripe for being deceived by the enemy again. I wanted two things: more pay and room to grow, and DU seemed to offer both. Again, I was praying, but I don't know that I was listening. I had a few nagging thoughts and feelings even after the second interview, but I was so longing for more pay and room to grow that I again felt compelled to go forward towards what became my own financial/emotional destruction. Ugh!
Been here, done this, don't ever want to do this again! Although it is very painful and frustrating to be here again and experiencing such losses, I'm thankful that God will see me through it, again. But, I have to say, I hope this is the last time I allow myself to be deceived in such manner. I pray that I'll not only be praying, but also fully listening. I pray that the next time I'm making a huge decision and I experience those "nagging thoughts and feelings" again, I'll stop and rethink my choices, my decision, and never go down this path again!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
What does it mean to be precious, honored, and loved...
Two weeks ago I had to give up my job. It was very stressful in that the job turned out to be significantly different than I thought it would be and when I talked with my boss about the mismatch and that I would need training to be able to do the job, I thought she understood. Unfortunately she didn't and I never received the training I would have needed to do the job. Therefore, we finally came to the point where I knew I couldn't continue and she didn't want to.
On one hand, it's a relief to not be trying to do something I don't know how to do and was having to try and figure it out on my own, but on the other hand, it is quite stressful to be unemployed. I have applied to several temporary agencies, along with applying for a permanent position that is open at WMU, but nothing has actually showed up yet. One of the agencies has a long-term temporary job that sounds perfect to tie me over until I can get a permanent position, but the agency still hasn't heard anything from the company in response to my resume. I so badly wanted to be able to have work scheduled to start on Monday, but I'm having to surrender even this to God.
And, speaking of God, I have really struggled with being in this situation. My Direct TV past due balance is due today and I don't have the money to pay for it. All of my other bills are past due and will be sending me cut-off notices this next week, and I don't know where I'll get the money for rent in 2 weeks. I told God this morning that I wasn't feeling very loved. It's hard to feel precious, honored, and loved when my needs aren't being taken care of or it feels like they aren't being taken care of. Of course, I can't see the end from the beginning and God can. So, maybe there is something significant that is happening and all things will work out together for good, just as He has promised. I have to believe that is the case. Where else would I go? Who else could I really turn to? He is my Rock, my High Tower.
On one hand, it's a relief to not be trying to do something I don't know how to do and was having to try and figure it out on my own, but on the other hand, it is quite stressful to be unemployed. I have applied to several temporary agencies, along with applying for a permanent position that is open at WMU, but nothing has actually showed up yet. One of the agencies has a long-term temporary job that sounds perfect to tie me over until I can get a permanent position, but the agency still hasn't heard anything from the company in response to my resume. I so badly wanted to be able to have work scheduled to start on Monday, but I'm having to surrender even this to God.
And, speaking of God, I have really struggled with being in this situation. My Direct TV past due balance is due today and I don't have the money to pay for it. All of my other bills are past due and will be sending me cut-off notices this next week, and I don't know where I'll get the money for rent in 2 weeks. I told God this morning that I wasn't feeling very loved. It's hard to feel precious, honored, and loved when my needs aren't being taken care of or it feels like they aren't being taken care of. Of course, I can't see the end from the beginning and God can. So, maybe there is something significant that is happening and all things will work out together for good, just as He has promised. I have to believe that is the case. Where else would I go? Who else could I really turn to? He is my Rock, my High Tower.
Friday, April 29, 2011
WWJD
In the last several years, the phrase What Would Jesus Do or WWJD has become a popular phrase. Although there are times this would not apply, since there are some situations where He would not have placed Himself, I found myself wondering what He would do in my current situation?
Ever since taking the position I took back in Sept. of last year, I've been struggling with the environment, lack of training, and expectations that everyone seemed to have of me and the new position because it was significantly different than I expected or thought I was getting into. In fact, I wouldn't have taken the position if I had known what I learned shortly after starting in the position.
This week, I ended up being given a bad review which was very traumatic for me. I have never received a bad review for my work and the fact that I have tried so hard and for some reason couldn't seem to get around the barriers I experienced, made it even harder on me. I've spent the last few days talking with HR to discuss the situation and identify what my options are, along with talking with my counselor, praying to God about the situation, and talking with friends and family.
A few minutes ago, the thought came to me: What would Jesus do? What did Jesus do? He stayed in the "fight" and allowed Himself to be crucified on our behalf...for the joy set before Him. Ouch!
My situation isn't nearly the same, of course. His decision had eternal consequences, whereas mine is fairly limited. Also, if I did stay to "fight" the situation, I would very likely continue looking for work elsewhere and eventually, I would probably find a position where I enjoyed not only the work, but the environment too.
I still don't know what my decision will be come Monday, but it's definitely something to think about.
Ever since taking the position I took back in Sept. of last year, I've been struggling with the environment, lack of training, and expectations that everyone seemed to have of me and the new position because it was significantly different than I expected or thought I was getting into. In fact, I wouldn't have taken the position if I had known what I learned shortly after starting in the position.
This week, I ended up being given a bad review which was very traumatic for me. I have never received a bad review for my work and the fact that I have tried so hard and for some reason couldn't seem to get around the barriers I experienced, made it even harder on me. I've spent the last few days talking with HR to discuss the situation and identify what my options are, along with talking with my counselor, praying to God about the situation, and talking with friends and family.
A few minutes ago, the thought came to me: What would Jesus do? What did Jesus do? He stayed in the "fight" and allowed Himself to be crucified on our behalf...for the joy set before Him. Ouch!
My situation isn't nearly the same, of course. His decision had eternal consequences, whereas mine is fairly limited. Also, if I did stay to "fight" the situation, I would very likely continue looking for work elsewhere and eventually, I would probably find a position where I enjoyed not only the work, but the environment too.
I still don't know what my decision will be come Monday, but it's definitely something to think about.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Learning more about honesty...
I've always been an open and honest person and have sometimes gone overboard trying to be sure others knew everything that might would be construed as dishonest if they found out later vs right away. Even though I've always been honest for the most part, there has, on occasion, been times when I've not completely disclosed something or have written something that could be viewed as somewhat of an exaggeration of the truth and today God helped me to see more clearly my error in being even slightly dishonest.
About seven months ago, I interviewed for my current job. During the interviews, I tried to be sure I was completely honest about my lack of knowledge and skills in certain and specific software. I also tried to be completely honest about my lack of experience in several areas that were part of the job description. From the first interview, I got the impression that the interviewers understood my level of experience and knowledge, therefore, I felt comfortable with the interview questions and thought that it was understood that I would need to be trained in some areas. Additionally, I received the impression that I would be working with the Instructional Designer and that he would be able to help train me or get the training for me that I needed.
When I was called for the second interview, I was surprised to find that none of the first interviewers were to be included in the second interview. It seemed somewhat disconnected from the first interview, but I assumed I didn't need to restate anything in particular from the first interview, except when asked for something specific.
Two weeks into the new job and I recognized that there had been a mistake made, I realized that they had hired the wrong person and even said the same to my boss. She, on the other hand, did not recognize the mis-match yet and proceeded to give me the impression that everyone would "pull together" and help me acclimate to the new position. Week after week went by and I became even more distressed with the whole mis-match, finding out too late that there wouldn't be any training provided and that they had expected me to be able to "jump-in" and "take off" on my own immediately, without building a foundation for such a jump. I also found out too late that they wouldn't be providing any of the tools that I felt were necessary for the position.
To say the least, the position became extremely stressful and my confidence was worn down to almost nothing over the weeks/months of not making any progress towards a resolution of the discrepancy between the employer expectation and my expectations as the employee.
Today, I had an interview with another place for a position that I didn't think I was qualified for and had been surprised that they had even called me for an interview. Shortly after the interview started, I realized that there wasn't any way I had the qualifications, knowledge, and experience they were looking for, so I let the interviewers know that and we ended the interview. Just before we ended the interview, I asked the interviewer what had made them think I might be qualified for the position? He said that my mention of a Web content management application called Drupal in my cover letter made them think I might be qualified.
On the way home from the interview, I recognized that I shouldn't have included that "Drupal" comment within my cover letter and that I need to be more careful about being fully honest and fact-based when writing up my resume and cover letter. Additionally, I need to be more careful about not embellishing the facts to make myself "look good" or to try to improve my chances at a job. I didn't seek to embellish or be dishonest in any way, but mentioning Drupal based upon expectations that I was going to get the chance to use it and become more familiar with it prior to any possible interview, but not based upon the fact that I hadn't gotten the opportunity yet at the time I wrote the cover letter, was in fact an embellishment of the truth and/or dishonest declaration. Lesson learned and forgiveness asked of God.
About seven months ago, I interviewed for my current job. During the interviews, I tried to be sure I was completely honest about my lack of knowledge and skills in certain and specific software. I also tried to be completely honest about my lack of experience in several areas that were part of the job description. From the first interview, I got the impression that the interviewers understood my level of experience and knowledge, therefore, I felt comfortable with the interview questions and thought that it was understood that I would need to be trained in some areas. Additionally, I received the impression that I would be working with the Instructional Designer and that he would be able to help train me or get the training for me that I needed.
When I was called for the second interview, I was surprised to find that none of the first interviewers were to be included in the second interview. It seemed somewhat disconnected from the first interview, but I assumed I didn't need to restate anything in particular from the first interview, except when asked for something specific.
Two weeks into the new job and I recognized that there had been a mistake made, I realized that they had hired the wrong person and even said the same to my boss. She, on the other hand, did not recognize the mis-match yet and proceeded to give me the impression that everyone would "pull together" and help me acclimate to the new position. Week after week went by and I became even more distressed with the whole mis-match, finding out too late that there wouldn't be any training provided and that they had expected me to be able to "jump-in" and "take off" on my own immediately, without building a foundation for such a jump. I also found out too late that they wouldn't be providing any of the tools that I felt were necessary for the position.
To say the least, the position became extremely stressful and my confidence was worn down to almost nothing over the weeks/months of not making any progress towards a resolution of the discrepancy between the employer expectation and my expectations as the employee.
Today, I had an interview with another place for a position that I didn't think I was qualified for and had been surprised that they had even called me for an interview. Shortly after the interview started, I realized that there wasn't any way I had the qualifications, knowledge, and experience they were looking for, so I let the interviewers know that and we ended the interview. Just before we ended the interview, I asked the interviewer what had made them think I might be qualified for the position? He said that my mention of a Web content management application called Drupal in my cover letter made them think I might be qualified.
On the way home from the interview, I recognized that I shouldn't have included that "Drupal" comment within my cover letter and that I need to be more careful about being fully honest and fact-based when writing up my resume and cover letter. Additionally, I need to be more careful about not embellishing the facts to make myself "look good" or to try to improve my chances at a job. I didn't seek to embellish or be dishonest in any way, but mentioning Drupal based upon expectations that I was going to get the chance to use it and become more familiar with it prior to any possible interview, but not based upon the fact that I hadn't gotten the opportunity yet at the time I wrote the cover letter, was in fact an embellishment of the truth and/or dishonest declaration. Lesson learned and forgiveness asked of God.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Where could I go, but to the Lord...
Today has been challenging in numerous ways. In fact the last week has been challenging all the way through. Between being very sick, not having enough money to cover expenses, let alone to make the trip I had planned to Tennessee, feeling like a complete failure at work, hating my job, feeling anxious in my relationship with FC, controversial changes being made to our church service by our Pastor, and then an email from a niece today asking for advice on what to do about their Dad, since none of them can deal with him and their Dad doesn't seem motivated to do anything much for himself right now. Today has seemed like way too much on my plate!
Lord, I don't know why this is all on my plate at the same time and how I am expected to deal with all of it, but I surrender it to You for Your intervention on everyone's behalf. Thank you!
Lord, I don't know why this is all on my plate at the same time and how I am expected to deal with all of it, but I surrender it to You for Your intervention on everyone's behalf. Thank you!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Results of non-values' based decision making...
I’m actually feeling very resentful and angry today at my job, the people I work with, the projects on my plate, the “group” think that goes on, and the enemy who deceived me.
I value money, but not above time to relax, time to spend with family and friends, time to have a relationship with someone special, etc. And yet, I chose money over having time available to me. So, why did I choose money over time? Did I choose it over time because I also thought I would have opportunity to grow which is more important to me than money? Yes, that would definitely be one of the reasons. Unfortunately, it turns out that I have to grow all on my own, without any help or training, which was not what I expected or wanted. Are there any other reasons I chose money over a less stressful life? What was I really seeking when I chose this job over the job I had?
This has definitely been a learning lesson, albeit a painful one. Hopefully, I'll be able to correct the situation within a reasonable time frame, Lord willing.
I value money, but not above time to relax, time to spend with family and friends, time to have a relationship with someone special, etc. And yet, I chose money over having time available to me. So, why did I choose money over time? Did I choose it over time because I also thought I would have opportunity to grow which is more important to me than money? Yes, that would definitely be one of the reasons. Unfortunately, it turns out that I have to grow all on my own, without any help or training, which was not what I expected or wanted. Are there any other reasons I chose money over a less stressful life? What was I really seeking when I chose this job over the job I had?
- Money
- Growth
- A prestigious-sounding title
- Acknowledgement or appreciation for what I do
This has definitely been a learning lesson, albeit a painful one. Hopefully, I'll be able to correct the situation within a reasonable time frame, Lord willing.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Making resolutions a month or two late...
The month of January and beginning of February were very busy and stressful in a negative way. This new job at DU has been stressful since day one and the stress of not knowing what I'm suppose to do or how to do what I'm suppose to do has only increased the longer I'm there. And then I ended up behind in my online class and have struggled week by week to catchup, which has only added to my negative stress level and loss of sleep. Finally, my body said "no more" by coming down with "the crud"! Yuck!
This is going to become a turning point for me...NO MORE NEGATIVE STRESS for a while. I don't know what exactly I'll be able to do about the job situation, but I know that I'm done with "pretending" everything is okay when it's not. I am going to speak the truth and let the chips fall wherever they are meant to fall.
I desire to be healthy and a big part of being healthy requires that I be at peace with people, work that I need to do, and circumstances, not stressed all the time because I'm trying to fulfill something I'm not able to fulfill. I'm resolving to take better care of myself and to make the choices needed to become healthier and less stressed.
This is going to become a turning point for me...NO MORE NEGATIVE STRESS for a while. I don't know what exactly I'll be able to do about the job situation, but I know that I'm done with "pretending" everything is okay when it's not. I am going to speak the truth and let the chips fall wherever they are meant to fall.
I desire to be healthy and a big part of being healthy requires that I be at peace with people, work that I need to do, and circumstances, not stressed all the time because I'm trying to fulfill something I'm not able to fulfill. I'm resolving to take better care of myself and to make the choices needed to become healthier and less stressed.
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