Today, in my counseling session, I came to the realization that "the pain" from my experience in 2007 is still there. In 2007 I was grieving several significant losses and by the time 2008 came around, I started to lose hope in my future, started to shut down emotionally, and started to shut out God's voice. I was tired of losing and grieving and I just wanted it to stop. It felt like the hope I had been able to keep alive through 2007 was gone and my future looked painful and lonely. But, when you stop grieving before the grieving is done, you actually become stuck in the pain and that's where I'm at today.
Coming home I allowed the tears to flow as I told God how the pain was still there. How I know I didn't and don't deserve anything, but how I long for "the joy that comes in the morning." I don't really know how to finish grieving the losses; it feels like grieving won't change anything and I still feel like I'm tired of grieving. I want to move on and get past it and over it, but it's not going away that quickly.
I also find myself hesitant to start listening to God again. I think I'm afraid He'll tell me something I don't want to hear or He will ask me to do or not do and I'll rebel or be disobedient again, which would only add to my pain. So, I'm avoiding those kind of discussions with God. I do pray every day (several times throughout the day), but I'm not really talking and I'm not really listening yet.
Thank you Father for not giving up on me and for continuing to listen to me and take care of me. Please help me to let go of the pain and the fear I feel in communicating with You. Help me to open back up to You and allow You to help me let go of the pain that I may experience new hope.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
A few thoughts from today's counseling session...
This evening after work, I had a counseling session with my counselor. I really like my counselor and feel comfortable sharing with her and feel that she has good advice. Right now I'm still feeling significant pressure from all of my feelings being bottled up for the past couple of years and this makes me feel like it will take forever for me to get anywhere with the counseling. But, having said this, I recognize that I have to start somewhere and given time, I'll eventually start to feel less pressure and more relaxed and steady in my emotions.
Tonight I talked about my struggle with romantic relationships and how they have never worked out. Some of it has been because I didn't want it to work out, but other times, it has seemed to not work out no matter how much I would have liked it to. I just would like to understand the dynamics and what, if anything, I'm doing wrong. Actually, I was just convicted of what I've done wrong in the few instances when I would have liked the relationship to work and it hasn't. But, now that I know what I've done wrong in those instances, disobeyed God, where does that leave me? Is there any hope with the three that I specifically disobeyed with? The first one of the three is married, so definitely there's no hope of being with him and I wouldn't want to hope for that. The second one I believe I was never to be involved with him romantically and now I no longer desire to be involved with him, too much baggage and too many unresolved issues all around. The third one isn't married, yet, but doesn't feel we are compatible, so it doesn't leave me with much hope of anything developing, although we are good friends. Will there be another? Will God give me another chance? I hope so, whether it's with the third one mentioned above or someone totally different.
To finish the counseling session, I asked my counselor what advice she could give to help me deal with the mounting pressures from daily things I need to do for work, home, school, church, my health, finances, and for my brother that I can't seem to get done. She said I should try to set micro-goals each day; identify what I absolutely must get done each day and try to do those things. There are a lot of things that need to get done in each area, but it's too much. I literally don't have the ability to get everything done and I do have to decide what is most important for each day. Currently, I'm behind in my schoolwork, I'm not getting enough sleep, I'm barely getting to work on time, I'm not getting any housework done, I'm not exercising at all, I'm eating late at night, and I'm not spending very much time with God, which only makes things worse. I do hope and pray that things will ease up a bit for me and that I'll be able to make some progress.
Lord, I ask today for wisdom to know and understand Your will for me each day and the strength to carry it out. I pray that You will show me what's important and what I can let go of. Please teach me Your ways that I may walk in them and Your charge that I may keep it (see Zachariah 3:7 below).
7Thus says the Lord of hosts: If you will walk in My ways and keep My charge, then also you shall rule My house and have charge of My courts, and I will give you access [to My presence] and places to walk among these who stand here. (Amplified Translation)
Tonight I talked about my struggle with romantic relationships and how they have never worked out. Some of it has been because I didn't want it to work out, but other times, it has seemed to not work out no matter how much I would have liked it to. I just would like to understand the dynamics and what, if anything, I'm doing wrong. Actually, I was just convicted of what I've done wrong in the few instances when I would have liked the relationship to work and it hasn't. But, now that I know what I've done wrong in those instances, disobeyed God, where does that leave me? Is there any hope with the three that I specifically disobeyed with? The first one of the three is married, so definitely there's no hope of being with him and I wouldn't want to hope for that. The second one I believe I was never to be involved with him romantically and now I no longer desire to be involved with him, too much baggage and too many unresolved issues all around. The third one isn't married, yet, but doesn't feel we are compatible, so it doesn't leave me with much hope of anything developing, although we are good friends. Will there be another? Will God give me another chance? I hope so, whether it's with the third one mentioned above or someone totally different.
To finish the counseling session, I asked my counselor what advice she could give to help me deal with the mounting pressures from daily things I need to do for work, home, school, church, my health, finances, and for my brother that I can't seem to get done. She said I should try to set micro-goals each day; identify what I absolutely must get done each day and try to do those things. There are a lot of things that need to get done in each area, but it's too much. I literally don't have the ability to get everything done and I do have to decide what is most important for each day. Currently, I'm behind in my schoolwork, I'm not getting enough sleep, I'm barely getting to work on time, I'm not getting any housework done, I'm not exercising at all, I'm eating late at night, and I'm not spending very much time with God, which only makes things worse. I do hope and pray that things will ease up a bit for me and that I'll be able to make some progress.
Lord, I ask today for wisdom to know and understand Your will for me each day and the strength to carry it out. I pray that You will show me what's important and what I can let go of. Please teach me Your ways that I may walk in them and Your charge that I may keep it (see Zachariah 3:7 below).
7Thus says the Lord of hosts: If you will walk in My ways and keep My charge, then also you shall rule My house and have charge of My courts, and I will give you access [to My presence] and places to walk among these who stand here. (Amplified Translation)
Friday, August 14, 2009
Something that makes me feel like crying...
Haven't posted much in quite a while. There has been so many things happening in the past months, painful things that make me not want to share my life with others, which means I don't blog.
For one, my brother Martin passed away May 19. Although we hadn't spent a lot of time together in the past 10-15 years since we lived 50-60 miles apart, I miss him. I miss being able to call him if I want to. But, I'm glad he's not suffering and he's safe asleep until Jesus comes.
Besides all of the above, one thing that continues to affect my life in so many ways is my Dad being gone. Even though he passed away 5+ years ago, I still miss him. I particularly miss him when I need help with something physical (he was strong) or mechanical (he was very mechanical). My brother JD is also very strong, although not mechanical, so when I need help with moving stuff around or something that requires someone physically strong, I can ask him to help and he usually is willing. The only time it becomes an issue is like what happened today. He doesn't live with me, he lives at my cousin's place and works for him for room and board. This coming Sunday I would like my brother's help with some lifting and moving things around. But, I struggled with asking for his help, because I felt like I had to ask my cousin if I could ask my brother to help me, since it would take him away from whatever my cousin wanted him to do. Having to ask my cousin if I could ask my brother to help this coming Sunday made me want to cry, particularly when my cousin started to quantify what would be "worthy" of him allowing my brother to help me instead of him. It leaves me feeling helpless, which makes me feel like crying. In fact, I felt pretty emotional and almost started to cry! I know that I'm not helpless; God is always there for me and I'm grateful. I guess in the future I'll just ask my brother and let him deal directly with my cousin rather than me asking my cousin first.
For one, my brother Martin passed away May 19. Although we hadn't spent a lot of time together in the past 10-15 years since we lived 50-60 miles apart, I miss him. I miss being able to call him if I want to. But, I'm glad he's not suffering and he's safe asleep until Jesus comes.
Besides all of the above, one thing that continues to affect my life in so many ways is my Dad being gone. Even though he passed away 5+ years ago, I still miss him. I particularly miss him when I need help with something physical (he was strong) or mechanical (he was very mechanical). My brother JD is also very strong, although not mechanical, so when I need help with moving stuff around or something that requires someone physically strong, I can ask him to help and he usually is willing. The only time it becomes an issue is like what happened today. He doesn't live with me, he lives at my cousin's place and works for him for room and board. This coming Sunday I would like my brother's help with some lifting and moving things around. But, I struggled with asking for his help, because I felt like I had to ask my cousin if I could ask my brother to help me, since it would take him away from whatever my cousin wanted him to do. Having to ask my cousin if I could ask my brother to help this coming Sunday made me want to cry, particularly when my cousin started to quantify what would be "worthy" of him allowing my brother to help me instead of him. It leaves me feeling helpless, which makes me feel like crying. In fact, I felt pretty emotional and almost started to cry! I know that I'm not helpless; God is always there for me and I'm grateful. I guess in the future I'll just ask my brother and let him deal directly with my cousin rather than me asking my cousin first.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Precious and Honored...
Precious and honored...what does this mean? This phrase, which is also the name of my blog, comes from Isaiah 43:4. I had read the text before, but it had never spoke to me the way it did back in 2007. For the first time in a long time, I recognized how much God really did love me and that I was precious and honored in His eyes, even if I hadn't felt that way for a long time.
Tonight I read the verses again and let them speak to me as they did before. Life sure can leave a person feeling battered and bruised and unloved, but this verse and the verses before and after remind me that God will see me through and in His eyes I'm "precious and honored."
Thank You Father for loving me so much; for caring for me when others don't; for choosing me when no one else will. Thank You for not letting me "drown" in the river of life; for not letting me be "scorched" or "burn up" in the fiery trials; and for "ransoming" me with Your own life. Thank You.
Tonight I read the verses again and let them speak to me as they did before. Life sure can leave a person feeling battered and bruised and unloved, but this verse and the verses before and after remind me that God will see me through and in His eyes I'm "precious and honored."
Thank You Father for loving me so much; for caring for me when others don't; for choosing me when no one else will. Thank You for not letting me "drown" in the river of life; for not letting me be "scorched" or "burn up" in the fiery trials; and for "ransoming" me with Your own life. Thank You.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Rejoicing in the Lord...
There are so many things to be thankful for and to rejoice over. Even the rough moments, the trials we endure throughout the days, weeks, months. Life isn't easy, at least not for me and not for most people. We all experience challenges and trials of some sort and how we learn to handle them is the key.
One of my favorite books, "Finding God's Path Through Your Trials," by Elizabeth George, really taught me God's way of walking through the trials this life brings. Not that I do it perfectly, but that I now have a vision, a picture of what it means to walk through them God's way.
The focus of the book is on James' admonition in James 1:2, "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials." Count it all joy! Wow! How do we do this? Reading through the chapters, George discusses how to do this step-by-step, day-by-day. Easy? No! Definitely not! Worth it? Yes!
This week, while experiencing some significant frustration, enough to make me cry on the way home from work, I knew that even in the midst of the trial, I never, ever wanted to turn away from God again. Satan will do anything and try anything to turn us against God, against fellow believers, against the church, because He knows that if he can get us to turn away, than he has a much greater chance to keep us away permanently. Nothing on this earth is worth losing the eternal fellowship we will get to experience with Christ.
So today I say, "Rejoice in the Lord!"
One of my favorite books, "Finding God's Path Through Your Trials," by Elizabeth George, really taught me God's way of walking through the trials this life brings. Not that I do it perfectly, but that I now have a vision, a picture of what it means to walk through them God's way.
The focus of the book is on James' admonition in James 1:2, "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials." Count it all joy! Wow! How do we do this? Reading through the chapters, George discusses how to do this step-by-step, day-by-day. Easy? No! Definitely not! Worth it? Yes!
This week, while experiencing some significant frustration, enough to make me cry on the way home from work, I knew that even in the midst of the trial, I never, ever wanted to turn away from God again. Satan will do anything and try anything to turn us against God, against fellow believers, against the church, because He knows that if he can get us to turn away, than he has a much greater chance to keep us away permanently. Nothing on this earth is worth losing the eternal fellowship we will get to experience with Christ.
So today I say, "Rejoice in the Lord!"
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Almost the new year...
Here it is almost the New Year; just a few more days to go. I've been thinking about New Year's Resolutions and what is important for me to be focusing on in the coming new year.
There is one area that is MOST important, my relationship with God, and my resolution would be two-fold in this area. First of all, I desire to do all I can to draw closer to God through reading His Word and meditating on it, spending time in prayer, and memorizing scripture. Secondly, I desire to become a "Woman of the Word," to know and understand the Bible more fully.
The second area that needs a lot of my attention this year is my physical health and well-being. Back in February of last year I had to move from my house into a 1-bedroom, somewhat small apartment where I have struggled to live this past year. I call it "my cave." And then in March, I had to work a significant amount of overtime (while on salary), which added tremendous stress to my already stressful life. Between these two huge negatives, I found myself quite depressed and unable to get back into a routine of exercise and healthy eating. Instead I have continued to eat and eat and eat with little or no exercise, which has made the situation even worse. I feel almost desperate at this point and hope to begin making changes in the new year.
The third and final thing will be to work at paying off my debts from the "attempted move to Montana." My financial struggles have been unending this past 1-1/2 years and they haven't really improved yet, but somehow, by the grace of God, I hope to make some inroads into this left-over debt. One of my creditors is suing me, so I guess that one will get paid no matter how bad or good things are for me financially. This will only make my financial struggle even worse, but maybe this is the only way it will happen. I don't know how things will turn out, but I trust that God will provide for my needs and help me deal with these financial issues in my life.
There are other things I will be doing, such as work, school, church, and there are other things I would like to do, such as move, get a cat and dog, etc., but the three resolutions/areas of focus noted above are the most important ones to me and will be what I focus on in the coming year.
There is one area that is MOST important, my relationship with God, and my resolution would be two-fold in this area. First of all, I desire to do all I can to draw closer to God through reading His Word and meditating on it, spending time in prayer, and memorizing scripture. Secondly, I desire to become a "Woman of the Word," to know and understand the Bible more fully.
The second area that needs a lot of my attention this year is my physical health and well-being. Back in February of last year I had to move from my house into a 1-bedroom, somewhat small apartment where I have struggled to live this past year. I call it "my cave." And then in March, I had to work a significant amount of overtime (while on salary), which added tremendous stress to my already stressful life. Between these two huge negatives, I found myself quite depressed and unable to get back into a routine of exercise and healthy eating. Instead I have continued to eat and eat and eat with little or no exercise, which has made the situation even worse. I feel almost desperate at this point and hope to begin making changes in the new year.
The third and final thing will be to work at paying off my debts from the "attempted move to Montana." My financial struggles have been unending this past 1-1/2 years and they haven't really improved yet, but somehow, by the grace of God, I hope to make some inroads into this left-over debt. One of my creditors is suing me, so I guess that one will get paid no matter how bad or good things are for me financially. This will only make my financial struggle even worse, but maybe this is the only way it will happen. I don't know how things will turn out, but I trust that God will provide for my needs and help me deal with these financial issues in my life.
There are other things I will be doing, such as work, school, church, and there are other things I would like to do, such as move, get a cat and dog, etc., but the three resolutions/areas of focus noted above are the most important ones to me and will be what I focus on in the coming year.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
What a night...
Tonight the roads are truly yucky! Not as bad as last Saturday night where I couldn't even see well enough to take my brother home, but still yucky enough that it took an hour to where he lives from my apartment (usually a half-hour drive) and another hour to get home. I feel completely wiped out now and just want to go to bed. The roads had many patches of pure, black ice where I just prayed and hoped I would keep going straight through it and patches of drifts where I again just prayed it wouldn't pull me into the ditch. To say the least it was a strain and I'm glad to be home, safe and sound. Thank you Jesus!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)