Precious and Honored

Being humbled and refined...

2012-01-11T21:30:00.000-05:00

This past year, 2011, I had several very humbling experiences. This year has started off with a few more. One area that I've always been able to pride myself on for the most part has been my work and my professionalism. This past year, my self-image took a significant blow when I ended up in a position that I wasn't able to do without training and I wasn't able to receive any training. And then spending the next five months looking for work only added to the loss of confidence in my skills and abilities that I had experienced. I knew I could still do a lot of wonderful things, but I no longer felt anyone believed me or that I was able to present it in such a way that they would believe me. Very humbling and frustrating position to be in.

I also had lost a relationship that I felt for the first time might actually go somewhere. Unfortunately, this was not a new experience. I have always struggled in my relationships with men. I never understood what they were looking for or what would make them want to have a relationship with me. I never had had a relationship last long enough for me to figure out what wasn't working or why the man would run. I had started to ask people, "What am I doing wrong?" "I need to know, because otherwise I'm going to continue to ruin every relationship before I even really have a chance to know whether or not I want the relationship." No one could tell me until this past summer when a friend of mine suggested I read a book that might help. She didn't know what I might be doing, but she thought the book might give me some clues. Well, I began to read the book and before I could finish it and find out, the relationship that meant so much to me was gone. I did finish reading the book and then I took an online class based on the book in September. I guess this was an area where I was just really, really dense, as it still took a direct, in my face, email from one of my online classmates to finally make me realize what I was doing that was pushing the men away. I was pushing them even when I didn't want to. It was all very interesting, but also quite painful, sad and humbling to me.

Along with being humbled in these two areas of my life, I came to recognize through the online class I took in September that I was filled with a lot of anger, frustration, and criticism for the men in my life. In particular for my brothers, but also for men over the years that had hurt me, not provided or protected for me even when it was their responsibility, and basically hadn't been the men they should have been. I started to realize that I had a "razor" deep inside me that was ready to come out and "cut" someone, particularly men, and that I needed to let go of that razor within me and allow God to remove the anger, the bitterness, the hurt I had experienced over the years and create within me a gentle and quiet spirit. Well, I'm here to say, this process of removing the razor within me and replacing it with a gentle and quiet spirit, the refining process, is NOT an easy or painless one. Some of the situations this past summer, fall, and now into winter, have pushed me to the limit in the this area and I have been very humbled to realize that I could so easily fall right back into anger and hatred towards others. Very humbling.

To be honest, I would have appreciated a break from the humbling and refining process this year, but it has become quite apparent that the lesson must go on. I've not really been "managed" at work in a long time. In the positions I've had over the past 10+ years, Production Manager and Instructional Designer, I've basically self-managed my time and projects, even though I had a "supervisor" or "manager." In my current situation, it's been a little bit different. I have some days where I somewhat self-manage, but at any point in time, my boss might and has stepped in and managed my time for me. Additionally, there have been a couple of times where my boss or my boss's boss has politely "put me back in my place" and reminded me that I'm not the "manager," Not in those exact words, mind you, but I understood my position in the end. I'm just the worker. Very humbling again.

And finally, today I experienced maybe the most humbling situation that I've ever experienced in my professional life. Communication has always been important to me and I enjoy working together with people and on teams to accomplish work. I like to participate and usually feel comfortable doing so. Occasionally, over the years, I might find myself interrupting someone accidentally and would apologize, but it wasn't the norm and I usually did very well at listening to others and taking part in a conversation in a positive manner. Since starting my current job this past October, I've noticed that I've interrupted others quite often, particularly my boss. I'm not sure why I've started this habit now, but it seems to be closely associated with some form of anxiety going on inside of me. Obviously, it's not a positive trait or behavior and it's one that I'm so trying to stop, particularly since I don't even know why I'm doing it. Today she called me on it, which was quite embarrassing. I felt soooo very frustrated with myself for allowing myself to manifest such behavior, when I don't think this has been the norm for me over the years. If it had been something I was doing all of the time, I expect someone would have called me on it before, particularly my boss and mentor from Improvisions/ImproMED, who I still consider a friend. I felt humbled again, and sad. I wish I could say that I would never do it again, but unfortunately, just having talked about it created enough anxiety in me about doing it that I turned around and accidentally did it again right away. Very humbling and once again I feel as if I'm going through the "refining" fire.

As I've said to God several times over the past year and again today, "I sure hope I come out of all of these refining fires as "fine gold," not just silver!

Emotionally sore today...

2011-12-26T16:09:00.003-05:00

Today I'm feeling emotionally bruised and sore. My sister Marie from Tennessee came up to visit me and I was feeling so rough that I couldn't even enjoy the time with her, which made me sad. I feel raw and broken and need some time to back away from everything and everyone to heal.

Sometimes it's important to step back and away from everything and everyone to heal, to gain perspective, to better manage my own emotions, situations, and others' effect on my life. Taking the time to recognize where to draw the line with others so that you "don't drown while trying to save them from drowning." I've come close to "emotionally drowning" in the past two weeks and I recognize the need to heal and recover, so that is what I'm working on this afternoon.

A funny thing happened on the way to the forum...(not really, I just have always liked that line and the play). Anyways, here's something that amused me somewhat this afternoon. Quite a while ago I had applied to the "Worldwide Who's Who" for the fun of it and for the networking and exposure factor. For several months now, I've been receiving calls from them to go through the interview process, but it has always seemed to be at the wrong time. Today, I received a call from one of their agents again, so I called her back. After going through the interview process to see if I would be eligible, which she determined I was (not sure of their criteria) she then explained the offer, which of course involved a significant amount of money. Although being on the "Worldwide Who's Who" list might have some usefulness, the funds are definitely not available in my budget, and even if they were, the thought occurred to me, "how important are you really, if you have to pay to be in the "Who's Who" list?" It's like paying to get yourself published. Sometimes it's worth it, but usually it's just an "ego boost" or "flattery." Of course, getting published, whether it's a book you wrote or being published on the "Who's Who" list can't be all that flattering if you are having to pay them to publish you! LOL! Not today, thank you! I can publish myself quite well on the Internet without their help and without much cost.

I guess what brought this up in my thoughts right now is that the agent kept offering the next lower offer and the next lower offer even though I had said each time, "I do not have any money right now to put towards such a thing and even if I did, I would want to wait and consider the purchase before going ahead with it." Finally, after three to four different offers from her, I said, "Listen, I have $30 left in my bank account today and unless it is absolutely a dire necessity, I'm not spending what little money I have left." "And secondly, I have no desire to be rude, but if you push me one more time, I'm going to get rude." With that warning, she graciously backed off and I graciously told her I hope she has a good afternoon. End of conversation. :)

So, there always comes a time when a person must "draw the line," whether it be with friends, family, colleagues, or strangers. It's important to have and maintain boundaries to stay emotionally and mentally healthy, along with respecting the boundaries of others. Learn to manage your own life in such a way that you do as little "spilling out" into other people's lives as possible. We all have times when we need help, when we need others; I was there this past summer during my period of unemployment, but my goal is to continue to grow in my ability to manage my own affairs in such a way that I don't spill-out onto other people's lives and drown them while they are trying to save me from drowning.

Dearest Mommy...

2011-10-16T14:03:00.000-04:00

A couple of months ago, one of my sisters had told me about a book (I don't remember the name of the book or author) and the steps to go through when confronting and forgiving others who have wronged you, even someone who had already died. She thought it would help me in confronting one of my brothers who currently lives with me. In truth, I had already confronted my brother, but I recognized it as a solution to confronting my Dad who is dead. I wrote a letter to him telling him how he had hurt me and what it had done to me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually and then I forgave him and asked forgiveness for my part, even if unrealized at the time, in the situation. Talk about a release. I felt the difference in my heart and the new freedom it had given me.

Well, yesterday afternoon, I came to realize that I still felt significant anger and bitterness towards my mother. This morning, it was time and I wrote a similar letter to my Mom, who also is dead.

I'm sharing the letter below and I hope that if you are reading it that you it may help you to forgive whomever you may need to forgive and/or it will help you to help someone else.

Dearest Mommy,

Yesterday I had a huge meltdown. I had been struggling with anger and irritation for several days and couldn't figure out where it was coming from.

When I had my meltdown yesterday, I realized that I had significant anger still towards you for several things. I hadn't ever really known what they were over the years, but an incident with a friend of mine brought the issue, or at least one of the issues, clearly to my mind. You disrespected my Dad, me, and everyone else, including yourself. You allowed other to disrespect me and you didn't protect me. I recognize you didn't understand, didn't know how to respect boundaries because no one had respected yours, but the lack of knowledge or ignorance does not negate the error, the sin, as I've learned, painfully learned, very recently.

Along with the disrespect you showed towards my Dad, others, and me, you didn't give me or show me your beauty. I don't know why, as I know you were a beautiful young woman and even a beauty or at least a good-looking woman most all of your life. You were an artist! If anyone could have shown, taught, given beauty, it could have been you, but instead you taught drab, dreary, ugly, chaotic yuckiness. You didn't teach me how to make a house a home. I had to try to learn everything through magazines and on my own, which has been horribly difficult. You gave up and gave in to the filth and drabness of your environment, instead of living above it. I so badly want to forgive you and let it all go. It has destroyed so much of my life and I don't want it to continue to do so. I do feel hurt by it all though. I desperately want to become and provide a

Soft

Feminine

Joyful

Peaceful

Clean

Orderly

Haven

for my husband I still hope to have one day and grandchildren (since I'm too old to have children). And as much as I desire to be and make this, I don't know how because you didn't teach me.

Oh Mommy dearest, why didn't you teach me and my sisters? Why did you give up on beauty and hope? I'm sorry that life discouraged you so badly that you never fully recovered. I'm sorry you experienced such disappointment and hurt that you quit being the mother you could have been. I'm sorry that you were abused and disrespected in your childhood home and family, because even though you never told anyone, I'm sure you were. I'm sorry that you dealt with that all alone, because you had no knowledge of how to deal with it and what to do! I ask God to help me to forgive you and I pray that God will, has forgiven you!

Please forgive me too. Please forgive me for holding such anger and bitterness towards you for so many years. I want to be free of it all and be able to move forward. Please forgive me for rejecting you instead of reaching out to you to help you. I was too young at the beginning, but even when I got older, I didn't help you like I should have. I'm sorry. I blamed you for many things. Some, you were responsible for, and some you weren't! Some were Dad's fault. Please forgive me for falsely accusing you of things you didn't do, didn't cause. You weren't to blame for all the negative; Dad was responsible for some of it and then later I was responsible for my own.

Well, dearest Mommy, you've been dead now for 13 years. I hope I will see you on resurrection morning and be able to tell you I'm sorry and I love you in person. In the meantime, and even in that time, I leave your memory in the hands of God. I love you.

Your "sunshine,"

Connie

And the journey continues...

2011-09-26T12:18:00.001-04:00

My life journey has been quite rocky and difficult this year and particularly in the past several months. After losing my job, being denied unemployment, and spending the next three months learning how to live on the bare minimum that others and DHS provides, frantically looking for work and still not finding anything, having a brother move into my house that really shouldn't have been moving in and now, still not having a job, still having a brother living with me that shouldn't be living with me and trying to understand and know what God wants me to do to go forward in my life, I find that I am having to take each day, moment by moment. I can only do what I can do and I am seeking God's will in everything I do, so I know eventually the answers will come.

In the meantime, I'm now back in school as of September 6, still working on my MA in Educational Technology, and I'm also taking an online class called Fascinating Womanhood. The class, and the book it is based on, is about "strengthening your marriage" and "enriching your life." I'm not married, but that is a status I would like to change and I feel that God brought me to the point where I would be open to learning the principles this book/class advocates.

The principles the book/class recommends to live by are not principles I learned growing up, nor are they principles that any of my friends would live by or recommend at this time, except for one of my friends, the friend who loaned me the book in hopes that it might would help me to better understand how I need to live my life. It's interesting, because the friend who loaned me the book has the best marriage of all of my friends and yet they all think she has it by luck. I do think she has a head start on many of us, because she grew up in a home where the parents were loving towards each other and didn't destroy each other like in some homes and including the Christian home I grew up in. She also has a husband who has developed his communication skills, his emotional and spiritual life much more than almost any man I've known before and these two factors make a huge difference. But, having said that, I believe that because she, whether knowingly or unknowingly lives the principles expounded upon in FW, they have a beautiful marriage. Is it perfect? No, but it's not luck and it's not even just because they are Christians, because the rate of divorce for Christian marriages is almost the same as non-Christians. It's learning how to treat each other, cultivating the warmth and love or as FW would say "celestial love" that should be part of every Christian marriage, and dare I say, all marriages?

Keep on keeping on...and still go above and beyond

2011-08-24T11:52:00.000-04:00

One of the phrases in Al-Anon (and AA, NA, etc.) is "Keep on keeping on" and that is what I'm doing today. I can only go forward, which means I continue to submit my resume to possible jobs, I follow up on opportunities still in progress or unknown yet, and I continue to network, search, and do whatever I can to "drum-up" opportunities. I've never experienced such a situation before where I've looked for work, even been interviewed for work, and still don't have work, but I guess there is a first time for everything and this is the time economically when trying to find work is difficult. The companies that are hiring have many potential employees to choose from and although I feel I'm a strong candidate, I have a lot of experience, I'm professional, smart, and learn quickly, I may not be "standing out" as well as I should or could and that is what I have to work on. I need to find a way to highlight my strengths and show the employers why they should hire me over the others. And this is where I will apply the "go above and beyond." To another day of trying to shine!

Encouraging words...

2011-08-12T15:13:00.004-04:00

This morning I woke up with the feeling somewhat depressed and dreading the day. I felt discouraged at facing the same-ole-same-ole that has permeated the past three months. Also, I will be losing phone service tonight at midnight and I was going to have to call my car loan company to let them know that unless a miracle came about, I would not be making partial payment on Monday as I had hoped. Not fun things to wake up to.

Finally, 15 or 20 minutes later, I got up and made some coffee and went back to my bedroom to have my morning time with God. While journaling, I acknowledged that I was having a very difficult time facing the day and wasn't sure if I could accomplish anything. Oftentimes, when I feel like there isn't anything I can do to accomplish anything worthwhile, I will remind myself of a saying I received from a friend of mine long ago. "Today, I'll focus on what I can do, not on what I can't do." So, I wrote down, "What can I do"? And proceeded to list five or six things that I thought I probably could manage to do and needed to do or might be helpful to someone else. Here are the six, now seven things, I felt capable of accomplishing in spite of the current emotions and situation.

I can take care of the bank account verification and send it to DHS.
I can follow up on Phill's brother James for Aunt Margaret.
I can call Santander (my car loan company) and let them know I won't be able to make payment, but I am still wanting to keep the car and expect that by the first of September, I will be able to bring my account current.
I can call Verizon and at least them know that I won't have the payment as expected, but I will pay my account as soon as possible.
I can figure out food for Sabbath lunch (this is an easy one, thankfully!)
I can call to check on prices of my prescription medicines so as to find out where I should have them filled (JD is helping me to get them filled).
I can write a note to Christa (still haven't done this, but will before end of day to then send tomorrow).

Armed with a focus on what I can do, I set out to at least accomplish those things.

One of the first things I did was to go to the bank to get the verification form filled out. Deb, the bank representative who started helping me, and I began talking some about my situation and the difficulties I have been and am now experiencing due to my unemployment and denial of unemployment. We talked about what jobs are out there and she mentioned a couple of places that I might want to consider applying to, as they oftentimes are hiring. She was very nice and treated me with respect, in spite of my financial status, and as much as I'm down on banks and their insensitivity to people who are struggling financially, I have to say she at least improved my feelings about some of the bank's employees.

During our conversation, Deb mentioned that she had gone through a rough time and still struggles with the effect of her husband having a sudden heart attack 19 months ago at the age of 55. It was a devastating shock to her and her life, as she had only worked part-time before, and of course now she was having to fully support herself. We talked about how to get through the rough times and how we just have to continue and do what we can until things turn around. It was a blessing and an encouragement. It also made me cry my heart out to God after leaving the bank, telling Him how tired and scared I was. But, it helped me to once again accept where I am at this moment in time and trust that as I continue to focus each day on what I can do, eventually things will turn around for me and I will be a stronger person for having gone through these events.

Thanks, Deb, for the encouraging words and I pray that God will comfort you as you have encouraged me.

Thinking about the good things in life...

2011-08-09T21:12:00.001-04:00

I was talking with a friend of mine today about my personal blog and some of her thoughts about it, since she had read some of it last night. She said," readers might learn that you battle depression." Ouch! That is true at times and it's kind of weird because I tend to write when I'm feeling depressed. In fact, it's one of the ways I process my feelings. That's not all bad, of course, but I just want to let my readers know that really, I'm not depressed all the time. I enjoy a lot of things in life and am grateful for all the blessings, friends, and family I have. And, I'm sorry if I've been a little depressing in my writing. I have been going through a very difficult time in my life, but there are a lot of positives too and I need to reflect on them more.

For example, today I went for a walk by the Kalamazoo River over in Plainwell at the Veteran's Memorial Park. It was a beautiful, sunny, not too hot and not too cold day and I wandered around, listening to flow of the river, taking pictures of the river and flowers in the park, and petting a friendly lab while talking with her owner. I should have taken a close-up of the dog, but didn't think about it until her and her owner were already gone, walking across the trestle bridge that spans the river. Here are a few of the photos I took while at the park.

Grieving today...

2011-08-07T17:30:00.007-04:00

Yesterday and today I have felt such sadness and loneliness. It seems odd, like I'm not quite sure where it's coming from and what's causing it. Of course, there are several things I can think of that are adding to it, if not actually causing it.

For starters, Denyse, my close friend of eight plus years moved to Florida this past May. We didn't really spend much time together during the week, but on Sabbath after church my brother and I would just hang out with her and her husband and talk about anything and everything. I miss that! And then, my friend Chris and her husband Don who stayed with me over the winter, are down in Texas right now trying to take care of some of their scrap vehicles that had to be moved from where they were being stored. Chris and I text all the time, but it's not the same as having someone to talk with face-to-face and just hang out or go to the beach with. They will be back home in Michigan in another week or two, but I miss seeing them and hanging out with them. Also, FC, who I've been seeing since last December, didn't call at all to get together this weekend and I miss being with him and feeling like I almost have a boyfriend! :) And finally, Phill (or Chief Strongheart to me), my ex-boyfriend and lifetime love passed away July 10, from a diabetes-related, severe, staph infection and related strokes.

Even though Phill and I were only together officially from 1996-2001, unofficially together off-and-on from 2001-2006, and only at special times since 2006, our hearts connected when I was nine and he was ten and have been connected ever since until now. I miss knowing that someone knows me that well, knows my history, knew my parents, knew my family, knew my heart like he did. I miss his heart!

I guess the above is probably enough to make me feel deep sadness and loneliness today!

Chief Strongheart (tall, dark-haired Native American Indian) and me between two of his brothers, Tim and his wife Annie (left) and Sam (right). Taken at the dinner following his Mom's burial in Northport, Michigan, in July 2008.

Under Seige...

2011-07-28T00:19:00.001-04:00

Have you ever felt you were under siege by something or someone? It could be a disease, a financial situation, a situation at work or a disability. According to Web Dictionary, siege is defined as:

A military operation in which enemy forces surround a town or building, cutting off essential supplies, with the aim of compelling the surrender of those inside

Verdun had withstood a siege of ten weeks
Siege warfare

A similar operation by a police or other force to compel the surrender of an armed person
A prolonged period of misfortune

I've been having a siege of headaches

Well, I've been going through what has felt like a financial siege with no end in sight. I have felt desperate at times, although not as desperate as some individuals have been in history.

Yesterday and this morning my Bible readings have been from 2 Kings 6 and 7. These were some rough times for Israel. Their kings were wicked and had led them astray, which caused God to allow surrounding nations to attack them in an effort to draw them back to God. This was also during Prophet Elisha's time.

At the end of Chapter 6, in verse 24, the story begins by saying, "Afterward Benhadad king of Syria gathered his whole army and went up and besieged Samaria (the Capital of Israel), 25 And a great famine came to Samaria. They besieged it, until a donkey's head was sold for eighty shekels of silver, and the fourth of a kab of dove's dung [a wild vegetable] for five shekels of silver." (Amplified Translation).

The story continues with the telling of two women who were so desperate that they made an agreement to give up their sons to each other to be boiled and eaten. One of the women calls out to the King of Israel for help because they had boiled and eaten her son the day before and the other woman had now hidden her son and wouldn't give him up to be boiled and eaten. The king rent his clothes and called for the beheadment of the Prophet Elisha, blaming him for the siege and famine, since he was a prophet of God.

The story seem unbelievable to me and sickening and it is sickening. What these two women, and maybe others were doing to just survive, is beyond my comprehension, thankfully. Well the story continues...

God reveals to the Prophet Elisha that the king has sent his messenger before him to behead Elisha. We pick this up in verse 32, "Now Elisha sat in his house, and the elders sat with him; and the king sent a man from before him [to behead Elisha]. But before the messenger arrived, Elisha said to the elders, See how this son of [Jezebel] a murderer is sending to remove my head? Look, when the messenger comes, shut the door, and hold it fast against him. Is not the sound of his master's feet [just] behind him? 33 And while Elisha was talking with them, lo, the messenger came to him [and then the king came also]. And [the relenting king] said, This evil is from the Lord! Why should I longer wait [expecting Him to withdraw His punishment? What, Elisha, can be done now]?" (Amplified Translation).

Elisha then went on to give the king a message from God. Chapter 7, verse 1, "Then Elisha said, Hear the word of the Lord: Thus says the Lord, Tomorrow about this time a measure of fine flour will sell for a shekel, and two measures of barley for a shekel, in the gate of Samaria!" (Amplified Translation).

The story goes on to tell how this happened the next day, how God brought about the ending of the siege on Samaria.

There were two significant lessons in this for me today, which I took note of even in my emotional and spiritual misery.

How sad that those two women didn't wait two more days! The one woman never gave up her son, but the one who had given her son to be boiled and eaten had to live with the knowledge that not only did she commit a horrible crime/sin, but if she had only waited 2 or 3 more days, her son would still be alive. The Bible doesn't say what happened to the woman who gave up her son, but I would have felt like killing myself in horror at what I had done, if I was that woman. I would have felt just as bad, if not worse as the other woman who had helped to eat the son.

The Lesson: Desperation at the situations in life, whether brought on by our own doing or the doings of others, is not worth committing a crime/sin (although I have to admit that I've been extremely difficult to live with this week and have been hateful and irritable with my brothers, a sin in its own right.).
God can change things around in a day (a week, an hour, whatever time period). The siege can end at any time. One day two women were agreeing to boil and eat their sons because of the siege/famine in Samaria, but the next day, they all had all the food they wanted.

The Lesson: The siege may be the hardest thing you will ever go through, endure. Given time and at the right time, God will end the siege and turn things around. My part is to hang in there and endure to the end of the siege, even if it kills me literally.

I am praying and hoping the siege will end soon and I believe it will. I believe that God was telling me that the siege will be over very soon, just as the Bible reading talked about the ending of the siege. In talking with one of my sisters tonight, I realized that this area of "provision" is where I had rebelled at the age to 16. I had said, "If this is the way God is, I don't want any part with Him." I plead with God to forgive me for being so foolish; I had no idea what I was saying and have no desire to rebel like that again.

It's interesting (and more painful than my Dad's dying, I'm sorry to say) that I'm now being tested in the exact same way and manner as I had been then. Although it is horribly painful to me emotionally, I no longer want to turn away in anger and rebellion. I just want to get through it and not verbally and emotionally "destroy" my brothers in the process. I would rather not become homeless and thankfully, due to my sister and brother-in-law offering to help with the balance I need to pay rent, my rent will get paid in August. As far as the remaining financial issues I am experiencing, as in possible loss of car, phone, electric, gas, water, etc., I hope that God will provide the means to pay these through work or whatever, but I know that no matter what happens, I have and will continue to choose God. Just as Job said, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him." (Job 13:15, NKJV).

Enduring the tough times...

2011-07-24T15:45:00.006-04:00

It has been a while since I've posted on the site here. Mostly because life has been too hard and depressing to handle actually writing about it. I'm depressed again today, but for some reason am feeling a need to write about it anyways.

It's been difficult to emotionally deal with the negative situations in my life, particularly since there doesn't seem to be much I can do about them (I am doing all that I can to change the situation, but so far nothing has changed yet). The most difficult part of my situation is the lack of income, lack of money to pay even the basics like rent, electric, gas, phone, car payment, auto insurance, etc. I don't know what I'm going to do. The reality is that if God doesn't intervene this next week, I may lose everything and be on the street, homeless and without a car. Not a pleasant thought.

Another situation I'm facing is having to deal with emotions that have come up after about 45 years! Didn't think I was going to have to deal with this again, but here it is. When I was a kid, around 5 years of age, our family lived in Illinois. We had some really rough times in Illinois and I have very few good memories from that time. One of the rough times we went through triggered a serious anger issue in me towards God and my parents. Pure hatred in fact. I can recognize now that I didn't feel taken care of because we had nothing left to eat in the house, except potatoes and turnips, which my stomach couldn't tolerate. Even though I was a young kid, I realize now that I felt neglected and uncared for, unprotected by my parents and by God and I became very angry. I don't really remember getting angry at that time, but I must have, because after growing up more, I would feel deep-seated anger and bitterness towards God and my parents every time I felt poor. I hated God and my parents for making my life miserable and not taking care of me as I felt they should have!

On top of my anger towards God and my parents, I also felt deep-seated anger towards my brothers for the abuse I experienced from them and for their total disregard for cleanliness and good manners. I hated them for it, for making me feel like I was growing up in a pigsty with a bunch of wallowing pigs!

This anger has permeated my whole life and has been so destructive to me as an individual, both emotionally and spiritually. I've struggled to love others, particularly men, and I've always trusted money more than God, another destructive result of the anger.

And now, wouldn't you know, God has me back in an almost exact same type of situation, except this time the lack of money is my own stupidity for listening to DU and not forcing them to fire me and I have plenty of food so far, since I've been able to get food stamps at least through the end of July. Otherwise, it's pretty much the same because two of the brothers, Tom and JD, who I felt such anger towards are living with me. The third one, Martin, passed away in 2009. Although JD has been fairly well trained in cleanliness around food by my friend Chris and me during the past year of all of us living together, my other brother still has a long ways to go. This afternoon, I went to get the tub of butter out of the fridge and the lid and sides of the butter tub were covered with various food pieces and auto grease. It was soooooo gross and it brought up all of the old feelings of anger and bitterness towards my brothers for acting like we live in a barnyard.

Well, I don't want to hold onto the anger this time. I want to let it go and not let it permeate my whole life. I am asking God to help me to forgive my parents, Him, and my brothers and help me to let it go emotionally and spiritually. Yes, I can also request that my brother wash his hands in the future before touching any food items and keep reminding him as long as I have to until he finally gets the message, but just having to face the yuckiness and stupidity of this situation today, when everything is such a struggle to face anyways has almost been too much!

But Lord, here I am. I'm still going to trust that You love me and care for me and that You will help me turn things around when the time is right. Thank You for Your grace and mercy and Your faithfulness. Amen.

How long and how far...

2011-06-20T12:24:00.002-04:00

Have you ever been hiking a trail that is much longer than you realized and is taking much more energy than you had planned on or were prepared for?

Just before the start of my senior year in academy (high school), I moved out to Scottsdale, Arizona, to Thunderbird Adventist Academy. I was planning to start my senior year there and had gone out during the summer before so I could become familiar with the school and begin working to help pay for my room and board and tuition.

I don't remember if it was a youth group or some other group that I joined with, but whatever group it was, we decided to take a trip up to the Grand Canyon. We wanted to hike down the Bright Angel trail (9.3 miles) to the campground, spend the night, and hike back up the following morning. Going down was fairly easy, although near the end it was starting to get dark, which made it a little scary, but we all made it down quickly and spent the night on the floor of the canyon.

The next morning, bright and early, before anyone else got up, I decided I wanted to get a head start going back up the canyon. I had come to know that the Arizona sun was indeed very hot by mid-day and there was no way I wanted to still be climbing the canyon. What I didn't think about when I had this bright idea and as I got started on the trail back up is that I didn't have enough water in my canteen to keep me from getting dehydrated and enough food to keep my blood sugar normal. To say the least, as I kept climbing and climbing up the canyon, I became more and more dehydrated and my blood sugar dropped further and further and it was harder and harder to put one foot in front of the other.

As I continued to hike, I began to feel as if I would never make it back up that canyon and began to worry about dying out there. I didn't know any of the other people on the trail since I had left all of my group back at the camp, which was very dangerous for me to have done. Thankfully, I wasn't the only one on the trail that day, otherwise I might would have died. Near the end of the trail when I was just barely functioning, someone gave me an orange to bring my blood sugar back up. Someone else gave me water from their canteen.

Well, I did make it back up to the top of the canyon, but was severely reprimanded by the park rangers at the station. I had to lay down for several hours, while they gave me water to rehydrate me and kept a close watch over me until my own group members arrived and we all headed back to school.

I remember thinking several times on the grueling climb back up that day that I just didn't know if I would make it. I could barely force one foot in front of another. It was the feeling of reaching your limit, of being stretched, whether emotionally, physically, spiritually, or mentally or in every area, and wondering if you are going to make it or if you might just lay down and "die."

This is what this jobless and moneyless situation feels like to me. I feel stretched to the utmost and I think, Lord, how far and how long are you going to stretch me? Can we have a break? Stop and rest and have some water to drink? How long, O' Lord, how long?

Well, I didn't die that day, hiking up the Grand Canyon, and I daresay that somehow I will survive this too. Only God knows just how far and how long I can be stretched before "breaking." And only God knows why He has chosen to allow this "stretching" to happen and to allow it to continue beyond anything I had imagined, but I sure hope I come forth as "gold," and not just "silver" out of this one! LOL!

On to another day of being "stretched" to the utmost!

I've been sifted...

2011-06-07T10:26:00.001-04:00

Have you ever been "sifted"? Let me explain. In Luke 22:31-34, Jesus told the disciple Simon Peter that Satan had asked to "sift" all of the disciples, including Peter.

31"Simon, Simon (Peter), listen! Satan has asked excessively that (all of) you be given up to him--out of the power and keeping of God--that he might sift (all of) you like grain, [Job 1:6-12; Amos 9:9.] 32But I have prayed especially for you [Peter] that your [own] faith may not fail; and when you yourself have turned again, strengthen and establish your brethren. 33And [Simon Peter] said to Him, Lord, I am ready to go with You both to prison and to death. 34But Jesus said, I tell you, Peter, before a [single] cock shall crow this day, you will three times [utterly] deny that you know me. (Amplified Translation).

Oh yes, I've been sifted. God has allowed the "moths to come in and destroy" (Matthew 6:19), and allowed the "devourer [insects and plagues]" (Malachi 3:11) to consume what I had because I was not faithful in fulfilling my vows to God. Even though I had promised God I would do something six months ago, a year ago, two years ago, I have not done what I promised; I have chosen to "put off" paying the vow when I could have and should have paid.

Oh Lord God, please do not let me do this again! Please remind me of the pain and stress my disobedience causes. Help me to be faithful to You at all times, not just when it's convenient. Amen.

My prayer today...

2011-06-06T10:09:00.001-04:00

O' Lord God, please have mercy upon me today. Please give me a grateful heart, a heart that sees Your blessings, kindness, mercy, and faithfulness. Please help me to see myself as I really am, a sinner in need of mercy and grace, and a daughter of The King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Please give me a humble, contrite heart, a heart "sensitive and responsive" to Your touch and voice as You have promised in Ezekiel 11:19-20 (Amplified Translation). May I learn to forgive others and myself, just as You have forgiven me. Help me to "run the way of Your commandments" and please "give me a heart that is willing" as You have promised in Psalm 119:32 (Amplified Translation). Thank You. Amen.

Feeling "Hemmed In"

2011-06-02T19:25:00.003-04:00

Today, when thinking about my circumstances of no job, no income, no money in the bank (in fact, the account is minus as of today) and plenty of bills that are already past due, I realized that I feel "hemmed in." It's like no matter if I try to go forward, backwards, or sideways, there is no way out of the "box" of my circumstances; there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to make it change and nothing I do seems to change anything.

I've only been in this "box" one other time that I can readily remember and it was for similar circumstances, except at that time I had a job, an income, but my income wasn't enough to cover my bills. I had just enough to cover food, gas, electric, and very little else. Eventually, the situation eased up, but it took quite a while before it did.

Now I'm in similar, if not worse straits financially and today I wanted to know more about what God may or may not be doing by "hemming me in." In Psalms 139:5, David talks about God "hemming him in," or at least that is what the NIV says. In the Amplified, it says, "You have beset me and shut me in behind and before, and have laid Your hand upon me. " When I read the whole chapter, the "hemming in" sounds more like protection and blessing than negative. But I continued to look up other verses. In Psalms 4:1 (Amplified), David says, "Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness [uprightness, justice and right standing with You]! You have freed me when I was hemmed in and enlarged me when I was in distress; have mercy upon me and hear my prayer." This is obviously an example of being "hemmed in" by enemies and God has freed him from the circumstances.

The interesting thing when comparing the two different verses above is that in one, it sounds like God is doing the "hemming in" (Psalms 139:5) and in the other (Psalms 4:1), God is doing the freeing from the "being hemmed in." So, it appears that sometimes God hems us in and sometimes He frees us from being hemmed in.

While looking up Biblical information on the topic, I came across a couple of blog postings that talk about being hemmed in. One author, MTJ, at the blog site, My Thought-filled Journey: Hemmed In , talks about the Israelites at the Red Sea and how they were "hemmed in." According to MTJ, "They feared Pharaoh and his army. But God wanted to move them from the place of fear to the place of faith. To get them to the place of faith," (MTJ, 2010) i.e., God had to "hem them in" so that He could then "deliver Israel and demolish Pharaoh's army." (MTJ, 2010). They needed to see God as their Deliverer, their Savior, the One to turn to in faith and hope.

In the case of the Israelites, it appears that God brought them to a place where they were "hemmed in" so that He could show them His power and as noted in the paragraph above, move them from fear of Pharaoh to faith in God. I expect this is the type of "hemming in" I'm experiencing in my life. I have felt that unless God saves me, I'm finished, I'm done in financially. In fact, one of my greatest fears has been and is the lack of money. The lack of money to pay my bills and take care of my needs, and it may be that God is wanting to move me from my place of fear that comes from a "lack of money" to a place of faith, dependent upon Him, my true source. I desire to be delivered from my love/hate relationship with "mammon" and the only way God can deliver me is to require me to face the fear with Him at my side.

Another interesting point brought out by MTJ was that when he has been "hemmed in" he is not without hope. He will trust God to deliver him. He will "walk to the shoreline." He will do his part "and trust God to make a way." (MTJ, 2010).

So now, reflecting upon these verses and the story of the Israelites, it does give me some hope. I can better see why God would bring me to this point again and in worst circumstances than before. I have nowhere to turn, but to cry out to my God, "Please save me," and walk forward, trusting Him to open a pathway when the time is right, doing what I can like applying to DHS (Oh yeah, that was fun!), protesting the UIA's determination to deny unemployment benefits (Such joy!), and continuing to apply to jobs, knowing that eventually the right one, at the right time, will be there. Hopefully, growing in faith and recognizing that "mammon" or money is not my source, God is!

Reference: MTJ. (11/2010). Hemmed in. My Thought-filled Journey blog. Retrieved June 2, 2011, from: http://mythought-filledjourney.blogspot.com/2010/11/hemmed-in.html

déjà vu (already seen)...

2011-05-18T06:11:00.004-04:00

This morning I'm experiencing déjà vu, or another way to put it would be "been here, done this." My Bible reading for this morning included Ruth 1 and 2. In the story, Naomi says upon her return to her hometown Bethlehem, "...call me not Naomi [pleasant], call me Mara [bitter]; for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me" (Amplified Translation).

Here I am again (see April 4, 2008) ! Boy, how I hate being here and how I hate working through the mess again. In 2008, I was just coming off from having lost my home after the attempt to move to Montana in May 2007. That trip brought me so many losses financially and emotionally that it took months or even a full year to feel "blessed" again. And now here I am again in similar circumstances, but this time without a job to go back to. Although I believe that God will provide a job soon, I am experiencing losses again, just as I did back in 2007.

Since 2007, I have come to realize that I was deceived by the enemy appearing as an "angel of light," into believing that moving to Montana to be closer to a man I had fallen for was God's will. I was praying the whole time, but unfortunately, I don't think I was listening. I kept having nagging thoughts and feelings that maybe I shouldn't go, maybe I needed to rethink the whole thing, but I had already gone so far down the path that I felt compelled to keep moving forward towards what became my own financial/emotional destruction, or almost destruction, except for the grace of God!

Unfortunately, a similar thing has happened with the job I took in September 2010. Although I really enjoyed my job at WMU, I felt angry that nothing was being done to upgrade the position, so that we, the team members, could be paid what we should have been paid. I was also frustrated that there seemed to be no room to grow. So, when DU wanted to interview me, I was very ripe for being deceived by the enemy again. I wanted two things: more pay and room to grow, and DU seemed to offer both. Again, I was praying, but I don't know that I was listening. I had a few nagging thoughts and feelings even after the second interview, but I was so longing for more pay and room to grow that I again felt compelled to go forward towards what became my own financial/emotional destruction. Ugh!

Been here, done this, don't ever want to do this again! Although it is very painful and frustrating to be here again and experiencing such losses, I'm thankful that God will see me through it, again. But, I have to say, I hope this is the last time I allow myself to be deceived in such manner. I pray that I'll not only be praying, but also fully listening. I pray that the next time I'm making a huge decision and I experience those "nagging thoughts and feelings" again, I'll stop and rethink my choices, my decision, and never go down this path again!

What does it mean to be precious, honored, and loved...

2011-05-13T13:45:00.002-04:00

Two weeks ago I had to give up my job. It was very stressful in that the job turned out to be significantly different than I thought it would be and when I talked with my boss about the mismatch and that I would need training to be able to do the job, I thought she understood. Unfortunately she didn't and I never received the training I would have needed to do the job. Therefore, we finally came to the point where I knew I couldn't continue and she didn't want to.

On one hand, it's a relief to not be trying to do something I don't know how to do and was having to try and figure it out on my own, but on the other hand, it is quite stressful to be unemployed. I have applied to several temporary agencies, along with applying for a permanent position that is open at WMU, but nothing has actually showed up yet. One of the agencies has a long-term temporary job that sounds perfect to tie me over until I can get a permanent position, but the agency still hasn't heard anything from the company in response to my resume. I so badly wanted to be able to have work scheduled to start on Monday, but I'm having to surrender even this to God.

And, speaking of God, I have really struggled with being in this situation. My Direct TV past due balance is due today and I don't have the money to pay for it. All of my other bills are past due and will be sending me cut-off notices this next week, and I don't know where I'll get the money for rent in 2 weeks. I told God this morning that I wasn't feeling very loved. It's hard to feel precious, honored, and loved when my needs aren't being taken care of or it feels like they aren't being taken care of. Of course, I can't see the end from the beginning and God can. So, maybe there is something significant that is happening and all things will work out together for good, just as He has promised. I have to believe that is the case. Where else would I go? Who else could I really turn to? He is my Rock, my High Tower.

WWJD

2011-04-29T16:36:00.001-04:00

In the last several years, the phrase What Would Jesus Do or WWJD has become a popular phrase. Although there are times this would not apply, since there are some situations where He would not have placed Himself, I found myself wondering what He would do in my current situation?

Ever since taking the position I took back in Sept. of last year, I've been struggling with the environment, lack of training, and expectations that everyone seemed to have of me and the new position because it was significantly different than I expected or thought I was getting into. In fact, I wouldn't have taken the position if I had known what I learned shortly after starting in the position.

This week, I ended up being given a bad review which was very traumatic for me. I have never received a bad review for my work and the fact that I have tried so hard and for some reason couldn't seem to get around the barriers I experienced, made it even harder on me. I've spent the last few days talking with HR to discuss the situation and identify what my options are, along with talking with my counselor, praying to God about the situation, and talking with friends and family.

A few minutes ago, the thought came to me: What would Jesus do? What did Jesus do? He stayed in the "fight" and allowed Himself to be crucified on our behalf...for the joy set before Him. Ouch!

My situation isn't nearly the same, of course. His decision had eternal consequences, whereas mine is fairly limited. Also, if I did stay to "fight" the situation, I would very likely continue looking for work elsewhere and eventually, I would probably find a position where I enjoyed not only the work, but the environment too.

I still don't know what my decision will be come Monday, but it's definitely something to think about.

Learning more about honesty...

2011-04-26T16:27:00.000-04:00

I've always been an open and honest person and have sometimes gone overboard trying to be sure others knew everything that might would be construed as dishonest if they found out later vs right away. Even though I've always been honest for the most part, there has, on occasion, been times when I've not completely disclosed something or have written something that could be viewed as somewhat of an exaggeration of the truth and today God helped me to see more clearly my error in being even slightly dishonest.

About seven months ago, I interviewed for my current job. During the interviews, I tried to be sure I was completely honest about my lack of knowledge and skills in certain and specific software. I also tried to be completely honest about my lack of experience in several areas that were part of the job description. From the first interview, I got the impression that the interviewers understood my level of experience and knowledge, therefore, I felt comfortable with the interview questions and thought that it was understood that I would need to be trained in some areas. Additionally, I received the impression that I would be working with the Instructional Designer and that he would be able to help train me or get the training for me that I needed.

When I was called for the second interview, I was surprised to find that none of the first interviewers were to be included in the second interview. It seemed somewhat disconnected from the first interview, but I assumed I didn't need to restate anything in particular from the first interview, except when asked for something specific.

Two weeks into the new job and I recognized that there had been a mistake made, I realized that they had hired the wrong person and even said the same to my boss. She, on the other hand, did not recognize the mis-match yet and proceeded to give me the impression that everyone would "pull together" and help me acclimate to the new position. Week after week went by and I became even more distressed with the whole mis-match, finding out too late that there wouldn't be any training provided and that they had expected me to be able to "jump-in" and "take off" on my own immediately, without building a foundation for such a jump. I also found out too late that they wouldn't be providing any of the tools that I felt were necessary for the position.

To say the least, the position became extremely stressful and my confidence was worn down to almost nothing over the weeks/months of not making any progress towards a resolution of the discrepancy between the employer expectation and my expectations as the employee.

Today, I had an interview with another place for a position that I didn't think I was qualified for and had been surprised that they had even called me for an interview. Shortly after the interview started, I realized that there wasn't any way I had the qualifications, knowledge, and experience they were looking for, so I let the interviewers know that and we ended the interview. Just before we ended the interview, I asked the interviewer what had made them think I might be qualified for the position? He said that my mention of a Web content management application called Drupal in my cover letter made them think I might be qualified.

On the way home from the interview, I recognized that I shouldn't have included that "Drupal" comment within my cover letter and that I need to be more careful about being fully honest and fact-based when writing up my resume and cover letter. Additionally, I need to be more careful about not embellishing the facts to make myself "look good" or to try to improve my chances at a job. I didn't seek to embellish or be dishonest in any way, but mentioning Drupal based upon expectations that I was going to get the chance to use it and become more familiar with it prior to any possible interview, but not based upon the fact that I hadn't gotten the opportunity yet at the time I wrote the cover letter, was in fact an embellishment of the truth and/or dishonest declaration. Lesson learned and forgiveness asked of God.

Where could I go, but to the Lord...

2011-04-15T16:26:00.002-04:00

Today has been challenging in numerous ways. In fact the last week has been challenging all the way through. Between being very sick, not having enough money to cover expenses, let alone to make the trip I had planned to Tennessee, feeling like a complete failure at work, hating my job, feeling anxious in my relationship with FC, controversial changes being made to our church service by our Pastor, and then an email from a niece today asking for advice on what to do about their Dad, since none of them can deal with him and their Dad doesn't seem motivated to do anything much for himself right now. Today has seemed like way too much on my plate!

Lord, I don't know why this is all on my plate at the same time and how I am expected to deal with all of it, but I surrender it to You for Your intervention on everyone's behalf. Thank you!

Results of non-values' based decision making...

2011-03-15T15:15:00.000-04:00

I’m actually feeling very resentful and angry today at my job, the people I work with, the projects on my plate, the “group” think that goes on, and the enemy who deceived me.

I value money, but not above time to relax, time to spend with family and friends, time to have a relationship with someone special, etc. And yet, I chose money over having time available to me. So, why did I choose money over time? Did I choose it over time because I also thought I would have opportunity to grow which is more important to me than money? Yes, that would definitely be one of the reasons. Unfortunately, it turns out that I have to grow all on my own, without any help or training, which was not what I expected or wanted. Are there any other reasons I chose money over a less stressful life? What was I really seeking when I chose this job over the job I had?

Money
Growth
A prestigious-sounding title
Acknowledgement or appreciation for what I do

Unfortunately, what I actually received is stress, feelings of failure, a job I don't enjoy, no acknowledgement or appreciation for what I do, additional money, but with it came additional expenses, so I'm not any further ahead financially, growth that is a constant struggle, since I'm having to learn everything through trial and error, rather than receiving training, a prestigious-sounding title without the skills to go with it, and I have less time available to me, which I value more.

This has definitely been a learning lesson, albeit a painful one. Hopefully, I'll be able to correct the situation within a reasonable time frame, Lord willing.

Making resolutions a month or two late...

2011-02-26T13:44:00.002-05:00

The month of January and beginning of February were very busy and stressful in a negative way. This new job at DU has been stressful since day one and the stress of not knowing what I'm suppose to do or how to do what I'm suppose to do has only increased the longer I'm there. And then I ended up behind in my online class and have struggled week by week to catchup, which has only added to my negative stress level and loss of sleep. Finally, my body said "no more" by coming down with "the crud"! Yuck!

This is going to become a turning point for me...NO MORE NEGATIVE STRESS for a while. I don't know what exactly I'll be able to do about the job situation, but I know that I'm done with "pretending" everything is okay when it's not. I am going to speak the truth and let the chips fall wherever they are meant to fall.

I desire to be healthy and a big part of being healthy requires that I be at peace with people, work that I need to do, and circumstances, not stressed all the time because I'm trying to fulfill something I'm not able to fulfill. I'm resolving to take better care of myself and to make the choices needed to become healthier and less stressed.

Great is Thy Faithfulness...Lam 3:23

2010-08-28T07:32:00.006-04:00

The past few weeks have been extremely stressful for me. I've been in the process of moving and for me it truly is a process. I didn't even have anything packed, but I felt that it was time for me to move. I had been putting it off ever since spring. I dreaded the whole process and knew that once I moved, I would be faced with having to decide whether or not to let my brother live with me or to continue to drive even a further distance now to pick him up for the weekends. I refuse to leave him at my cousins all the time with no way to come up to Otsego to where his church and church friends are. They are my friends too, but particularly I want him to be able to socialize with them because they are so good for him. Without them, I expect he would withdraw from life and go back to a life of isolation and drinking, whereas with them, he interacts, socializes, gets "out of himself" and even enjoys life at times.

Eventually, the goal is to get him connected with community mental health to get help for his emotional and mental deficits and to help him become more independent. But, to do so, he has to move here and in with me until he can also get the financial help he would need to be on his own. For the past three years he has been living at my cousins in a room in their shop and he has been able to work with my cousin to help pay for his room and board. If he comes to live with me, he will end up with a fairly significant amount of time with nothing to do, which is not good for him. Trying to figure out how and what to do has caused me great distress in the past few weeks.

I have asked God, "What do I need to do"? But I haven't heard or seen an answer yet. Last night I had become so agitated and angry that I could hardly function. I felt desperate for an answer and didn't feel like one was forthcoming. I finally calmed down, but this is a "hot" topic for me. I feel great concern that I could destroy both of our lives and I have no desire to do that. On the other hand, I don't feel like I can sit here and do nothing. I start a new job in one week and I will be driving even further to work every day and there's no way I can make the trip to pick him up, another 100 miles roundtrip, after driving 40 miles home from work. So, I feel the need to make a decision and yet I don't feel capable of making the decision yet. I don't feel like I have all the facts.

So, where does this leave me? Pretty much the in the same place that I have been for several weeks now, ever since I started moving. So, where does the phrase "Great is Thy Faithfulness" come in? Even though I was experiencing significant distress last night and I don't feel like I have an answer yet today, I recognize that God is faithful! He will help me and my brother make it through this time of difficult and very possibly imperfect decisions no matter what I decide. And in that realization, I can have confidence and hope for the future. I'm not alone in this. Great is (His) faithfulness and it's a faithfulness I can trust!

The pain is still there...

2010-04-20T22:35:00.002-04:00

Today, in my counseling session, I came to the realization that "the pain" from my experience in 2007 is still there. In 2007 I was grieving several significant losses and by the time 2008 came around, I started to lose hope in my future, started to shut down emotionally, and started to shut out God's voice. I was tired of losing and grieving and I just wanted it to stop. It felt like the hope I had been able to keep alive through 2007 was gone and my future looked painful and lonely. But, when you stop grieving before the grieving is done, you actually become stuck in the pain and that's where I'm at today.

Coming home I allowed the tears to flow as I told God how the pain was still there. How I know I didn't and don't deserve anything, but how I long for "the joy that comes in the morning." I don't really know how to finish grieving the losses; it feels like grieving won't change anything and I still feel like I'm tired of grieving. I want to move on and get past it and over it, but it's not going away that quickly.

I also find myself hesitant to start listening to God again. I think I'm afraid He'll tell me something I don't want to hear or He will ask me to do or not do and I'll rebel or be disobedient again, which would only add to my pain. So, I'm avoiding those kind of discussions with God. I do pray every day (several times throughout the day), but I'm not really talking and I'm not really listening yet.

Thank you Father for not giving up on me and for continuing to listen to me and take care of me. Please help me to let go of the pain and the fear I feel in communicating with You. Help me to open back up to You and allow You to help me let go of the pain that I may experience new hope.

A few thoughts from today's counseling session...

2010-03-30T21:47:00.005-04:00

This evening after work, I had a counseling session with my counselor. I really like my counselor and feel comfortable sharing with her and feel that she has good advice. Right now I'm still feeling significant pressure from all of my feelings being bottled up for the past couple of years and this makes me feel like it will take forever for me to get anywhere with the counseling. But, having said this, I recognize that I have to start somewhere and given time, I'll eventually start to feel less pressure and more relaxed and steady in my emotions.

Tonight I talked about my struggle with romantic relationships and how they have never worked out. Some of it has been because I didn't want it to work out, but other times, it has seemed to not work out no matter how much I would have liked it to. I just would like to understand the dynamics and what, if anything, I'm doing wrong. Actually, I was just convicted of what I've done wrong in the few instances when I would have liked the relationship to work and it hasn't. But, now that I know what I've done wrong in those instances, disobeyed God, where does that leave me? Is there any hope with the three that I specifically disobeyed with? The first one of the three is married, so definitely there's no hope of being with him and I wouldn't want to hope for that. The second one I believe I was never to be involved with him romantically and now I no longer desire to be involved with him, too much baggage and too many unresolved issues all around. The third one isn't married, yet, but doesn't feel we are compatible, so it doesn't leave me with much hope of anything developing, although we are good friends. Will there be another? Will God give me another chance? I hope so, whether it's with the third one mentioned above or someone totally different.

To finish the counseling session, I asked my counselor what advice she could give to help me deal with the mounting pressures from daily things I need to do for work, home, school, church, my health, finances, and for my brother that I can't seem to get done. She said I should try to set micro-goals each day; identify what I absolutely must get done each day and try to do those things. There are a lot of things that need to get done in each area, but it's too much. I literally don't have the ability to get everything done and I do have to decide what is most important for each day. Currently, I'm behind in my schoolwork, I'm not getting enough sleep, I'm barely getting to work on time, I'm not getting any housework done, I'm not exercising at all, I'm eating late at night, and I'm not spending very much time with God, which only makes things worse. I do hope and pray that things will ease up a bit for me and that I'll be able to make some progress.

Lord, I ask today for wisdom to know and understand Your will for me each day and the strength to carry it out. I pray that You will show me what's important and what I can let go of. Please teach me Your ways that I may walk in them and Your charge that I may keep it (see Zachariah 3:7 below).

⁷Thus says the Lord of hosts: If you will walk in My ways and keep My charge, then also you shall rule My house and have charge of My courts, and I will give you access [to My presence] and places to walk among these who stand here. (Amplified Translation)

Something that makes me feel like crying...

2009-08-14T12:46:00.003-04:00

Haven't posted much in quite a while. There has been so many things happening in the past months, painful things that make me not want to share my life with others, which means I don't blog.

For one, my brother Martin passed away May 19. Although we hadn't spent a lot of time together in the past 10-15 years since we lived 50-60 miles apart, I miss him. I miss being able to call him if I want to. But, I'm glad he's not suffering and he's safe asleep until Jesus comes.

Besides all of the above, one thing that continues to affect my life in so many ways is my Dad being gone. Even though he passed away 5+ years ago, I still miss him. I particularly miss him when I need help with something physical (he was strong) or mechanical (he was very mechanical). My brother JD is also very strong, although not mechanical, so when I need help with moving stuff around or something that requires someone physically strong, I can ask him to help and he usually is willing. The only time it becomes an issue is like what happened today. He doesn't live with me, he lives at my cousin's place and works for him for room and board. This coming Sunday I would like my brother's help with some lifting and moving things around. But, I struggled with asking for his help, because I felt like I had to ask my cousin if I could ask my brother to help me, since it would take him away from whatever my cousin wanted him to do. Having to ask my cousin if I could ask my brother to help this coming Sunday made me want to cry, particularly when my cousin started to quantify what would be "worthy" of him allowing my brother to help me instead of him. It leaves me feeling helpless, which makes me feel like crying. In fact, I felt pretty emotional and almost started to cry! I know that I'm not helpless; God is always there for me and I'm grateful. I guess in the future I'll just ask my brother and let him deal directly with my cousin rather than me asking my cousin first.

Precious and Honored...

2009-04-25T00:28:00.003-04:00

Precious and honored...what does this mean? This phrase, which is also the name of my blog, comes from Isaiah 43:4. I had read the text before, but it had never spoke to me the way it did back in 2007. For the first time in a long time, I recognized how much God really did love me and that I was precious and honored in His eyes, even if I hadn't felt that way for a long time.

Tonight I read the verses again and let them speak to me as they did before. Life sure can leave a person feeling battered and bruised and unloved, but this verse and the verses before and after remind me that God will see me through and in His eyes I'm "precious and honored."

Thank You Father for loving me so much; for caring for me when others don't; for choosing me when no one else will. Thank You for not letting me "drown" in the river of life; for not letting me be "scorched" or "burn up" in the fiery trials; and for "ransoming" me with Your own life. Thank You.

Rejoicing in the Lord...

2009-02-13T21:55:00.002-05:00

There are so many things to be thankful for and to rejoice over. Even the rough moments, the trials we endure throughout the days, weeks, months. Life isn't easy, at least not for me and not for most people. We all experience challenges and trials of some sort and how we learn to handle them is the key.

One of my favorite books, "Finding God's Path Through Your Trials," by Elizabeth George, really taught me God's way of walking through the trials this life brings. Not that I do it perfectly, but that I now have a vision, a picture of what it means to walk through them God's way.

The focus of the book is on James' admonition in James 1:2, "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials." Count it all joy! Wow! How do we do this? Reading through the chapters, George discusses how to do this step-by-step, day-by-day. Easy? No! Definitely not! Worth it? Yes!

This week, while experiencing some significant frustration, enough to make me cry on the way home from work, I knew that even in the midst of the trial, I never, ever wanted to turn away from God again. Satan will do anything and try anything to turn us against God, against fellow believers, against the church, because He knows that if he can get us to turn away, than he has a much greater chance to keep us away permanently. Nothing on this earth is worth losing the eternal fellowship we will get to experience with Christ.

So today I say, "Rejoice in the Lord!"

Almost the new year...

2008-12-28T22:08:00.002-05:00

Here it is almost the New Year; just a few more days to go. I've been thinking about New Year's Resolutions and what is important for me to be focusing on in the coming new year.

There is one area that is MOST important, my relationship with God, and my resolution would be two-fold in this area. First of all, I desire to do all I can to draw closer to God through reading His Word and meditating on it, spending time in prayer, and memorizing scripture. Secondly, I desire to become a "Woman of the Word," to know and understand the Bible more fully.

The second area that needs a lot of my attention this year is my physical health and well-being. Back in February of last year I had to move from my house into a 1-bedroom, somewhat small apartment where I have struggled to live this past year. I call it "my cave." And then in March, I had to work a significant amount of overtime (while on salary), which added tremendous stress to my already stressful life. Between these two huge negatives, I found myself quite depressed and unable to get back into a routine of exercise and healthy eating. Instead I have continued to eat and eat and eat with little or no exercise, which has made the situation even worse. I feel almost desperate at this point and hope to begin making changes in the new year.

The third and final thing will be to work at paying off my debts from the "attempted move to Montana." My financial struggles have been unending this past 1-1/2 years and they haven't really improved yet, but somehow, by the grace of God, I hope to make some inroads into this left-over debt. One of my creditors is suing me, so I guess that one will get paid no matter how bad or good things are for me financially. This will only make my financial struggle even worse, but maybe this is the only way it will happen. I don't know how things will turn out, but I trust that God will provide for my needs and help me deal with these financial issues in my life.

There are other things I will be doing, such as work, school, church, and there are other things I would like to do, such as move, get a cat and dog, etc., but the three resolutions/areas of focus noted above are the most important ones to me and will be what I focus on in the coming year.

What a night...

2008-12-13T21:07:00.002-05:00

Tonight the roads are truly yucky! Not as bad as last Saturday night where I couldn't even see well enough to take my brother home, but still yucky enough that it took an hour to where he lives from my apartment (usually a half-hour drive) and another hour to get home. I feel completely wiped out now and just want to go to bed. The roads had many patches of pure, black ice where I just prayed and hoped I would keep going straight through it and patches of drifts where I again just prayed it wouldn't pull me into the ditch. To say the least it was a strain and I'm glad to be home, safe and sound. Thank you Jesus!

A fall portrait...

2008-10-31T18:49:00.005-04:00

Catching up...

2008-08-10T19:58:00.008-04:00

Life has felt like a whirlwind in the past few months and now I'm hoping to maybe catch up a little. Family reunions and such tend to keep me busy in the summer, but this year has just been a little overwhelming...

April:

4/18, Brother Martin had grandmal seizure and ended up in the hospital. Found out he had a brain tumor.
4/21, Spent day in the hospital with Martin and his family and 3 of my sisters and a niece who came up from Tennessee to see Martin.

May:

5/4, Grandniece, Reese Abigail, was born.
5/14, Martin had surgery to remove brain tumor, then began chemo and radiation.
5/17, Grandniece, Carys May, was born.

June:

6/8, Special mini-Underwood Reunion to see Uncle LeeRoy and Laurel who had come up from Florida for Urbandale's church memorial to Aunt Doris who passed away in March. Photos will be posted soon, I hope.
6/20-6/29, Went to Michigan SDA Conference camp meeting in Cedar Lake, MI, with my friend Denyse. Had a great time, went to many wonderful seminars, and heard many good sermons.
6/25, Great-grandniece Jade was born. It is also grandniece Jadyn's birthday.

July:

7/10, Phill's Mom died! Will definitely miss her. She was like a second Mom to me.
7/11-7/13, 62nd Halvorsen Reunion. Great to see everyone! A secretary's report and photos to come soon, I hope.
7/14-7/19, VBS at Otsego SDA Church, Monday through Friday, with a special program on Sabbath.
7/19, Tanya (my niece) and Aaron got married on the beach at South Haven, MI. Photos to come soon.
7/20, Underwood Reunion. Again, great to see everyone! Photos to come soon.
7/20, Computer crashed. Wouldn't boot for the next couple of weeks. Had to do a complete restore to factory specs and start over. Need new hard drive!!! Or, new computer would be even better!
7/29, my Dad's cousin Forest Halvorsen passed away. Didn't find out until Thursday night late, so I'm unable to attend the funeral.
7/30, Brother JD ended up in the hospital with a gallbladder attack the day after his birthday and spent several days in Borgess Kalamazoo. Had surgery on Sunday, August 3, to remove gallbladder and went home Monday, August 4.

August:

8/5, Battery in car went completely dead. Had to purchase new battery. Can't really afford, but can't live work/live without transportation.
8/9, Belated birthday party for grandnephew Seth and went to see my cousin Betsy down in Niles who isn't doing well.
8/10, Have had a bad headache all day...not sure why. Hoping it will go away soon.
8/16, Betsy passed away early this morning; funeral will probably be on Thursday. Glad she's not in pain anymore. Lester Halvorsen, another cousin of my Dad's passed away this evening. He lives in Florida, so I won't be able to attend.
8/17, cleaned up my parents and grandparents grave site at Crane Cemetery.
8/21, Betsy's funeral today. It was a nice service. It was good to see everyone...saw quite a few people I hadn't seen in a while. Betsy was buried out at Crane Cemetery, not far from her parents, my parents, and our grandparents.

So, this is why I've been so lax in updating my blog. There is still a lot going on and I am applying to a Master's program in Communication at Spring Arbor University Online to hopefully be able to start school on September 8th. This will make my life even more busy, but I feel that it is time to go forward and accomplish my goal of getting a Master's.

This Sabbath I will be teaching the adult Sabbath School class at Otsego, so I need to spend time this week preparing for it. Also, in the upcoming weeks, sometime in September, my brother Martin, who has brain cancer, will be getting the results of his latest MRI. We are all hoping for a miracle! I know God can do this, but I don't know if it is within His will to heal my brother. I keep praying.

I guess that's it for this post. I will try to be more faithful in updating my blog and please keep praying that my computer will hold out until I can get a new one.

May God bless you and keep you and cause His face to shine upon you!

Learning truth...

2008-05-06T07:41:00.004-04:00

In the past couple of weeks I have had two experiences where I have felt that something was a direct answer to prayer, but then by the next day it felt as if it had done a 180º. I couldn't understand what was happening and felt confused and angry at myself and God. How could an answer to prayer one day feel like a curse the next?

In my confusion and pain I was going to call a friend of mine that I hadn't talked to in quite a while, but no longer had his number. So, I called his brother, also a friend, to see if he knew his number. His brother is very spiritual and insightful and could sense that I was in pain. He asked me what was going on and I began to share the pain and confusion I was feeling. We talked (in between my occasional tears) for several hours. He told me the Native American tale of two wolves, which I had heard before, but didn't remember what it was really about.

The Two Wolves Within
An old Grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a friend who had done him an injustice... "Let me tell you a story. I too, at times, have felt great hate for those who have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do. But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It's like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die." "I have struggled with these feelings many times. It is as if there are two wolves inside me; one is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way. But...the other wolf... ah! The littlest thing will send him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all of the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, for his anger will change nothing." "Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit." The boy looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes and asked, "Which one wins, Grandfather?" The Grandfather smiled and quietly said, "The one I feed."-- -- A Native American tale told many times around the Sacred Fire

My friend called the "bad" wolf, the critical wolf, the enemy (just as Satan is our enemy) and the "good" wolf is the wolf of truth, (just as God's Word is our truth). Whenever God gives us a gift and we receive it, the enemy hates it and tells us all kinds of evil, so that we no longer see the gift from God as a gift, we no longer can see God's hand upon our lives, we begin to see the gift as a curse. What we need to do is refer back to the Bible, to God's Word and focus on the truth, not the appearance of things around us. In Isaiah 43:4, my theme for this blog, God says, "Because you are precious and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you and peoples in exchange for your life." And then in Matthew 7:9-11, Christ says, "9 Or what man is there of you, if his son asks him for a loaf of bread, will hand him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will hand him a serpent? 11 If you then, evil as you are, know how to give good and advantageous gifts to your children, how much more will your Father Who is in heaven [perfect as He is] give good and advantageous things to those who keep on asking Him!" The "loaves" I had been given had come to feel like "stones," but that is untrue. God would not give me a stone. The enemy wants me to see the gifts as stones. Which wolf am I going to feed? The critical wolf, the evil wolf or the wolf of truth, the good wolf. Who am I going to believe?

I thought of this during my Bible study this morning. One of the verses that really stood out for me was Psalm 105:19. In the verse just before this, the Psalmist talks about Joseph being put in fetters, "he was laid in chains of iron and his soul entered into the iron." And then in verse 19 he says, "Until his word (speaking of Joseph's words to his brothers when telling them of his dreams) came true, the word of the Lord tried and tested him." Even though everything looked the opposite of what Joseph had told his brothers and his future appeared bleak and dismal, God was only trying and testing him until the appointed time when Joseph was to be released from prison and become ruler over the people of Egypt under the King. During his trials Joseph had to rely on the truth of God's Word, the truth of God's way, not appearances, not his physical circumstances, and then eventually, at God's appointed time, his words came true, the truth from God was made manifest in his life.

Where I want to go and who I want to be...

2008-05-05T16:31:00.005-04:00

This past Saturday night, after getting off a phone call from a friend of mine in Tennessee, I remembered a situation from my past that was an eye-opener to my present. It was back in 1987, when I was living in Kansas City. I had moved several times since moving to Kansas and at the time was living in a 2-bedroom apartment with an unmarried couple that I had met. The apartment wasn't very large, therefore, my belongings consisted of a bed and dresser and a few other items, besides clothes, that I was able to store in boxes against the wall of my bedroom. It was very college-like and unsettled, an odd arrangement, but I really didn't know where I was going or what I wanted to do, so this seemed the best for the moment.

During this time, a friend of mine that I had dated occasionally and who I had longed for a chance to date seriously ever since I had met him the summer of 1981, happen to be coming out my way for some event and decided to spend the weekend with me. At the time, I knew he was dating someone he had been dating for quite sometime. In fact, I believe they were either considering getting engaged or were already engaged, but for some reason he came to see me. We had a relatively nice weekend, but I was fairly certain when he left that his heart wasn't mine anymore and never would be again.

Now for whatever reason, the other night, all of this came to my mind again and for the first time ever I asked myself, "What if he came to make sure whether or not he was making the right decision to not be with me and to become engaged to the girl he was dating?" "If that was the case, what did he see that made him decide to go ahead with the girl he was dating?" "What was he looking for that weekend that might would have made him wait a while longer and possibly consider being with me as a real option?"

Looking back, I recognize that there really hadn't been any growth in several significant areas. I wasn't any different than when we had dated back in Tennessee. I was still unsettled, clueless as to my direction in life, what I wanted to do, where I was going. I was still living as a college student even though I wasn't going to college at the time. I hadn't gotten any closer to God, I was still readily open to sexual sin and hadn't become any better with my finances. I was the same person, just living in a different place. I never knew why he felt he didn't want to become serious with me even though he seemed to really like me in a lot of different ways, but I have often felt it had something to do with my lack of spiritual, emotional, and financial growth. Not that he was so mature in these areas either, except financially he was doing very well by that time, but I think that he was looking for someone who was, someone who knew where she was going and what she was doing spiritually, emotionally, and financially. I was not the one.

Now, 21 years later, I find myself in a similar situation. I have a “new” friend who I really care about and would like the opportunity to date. But last night, after remembering the situation with this other guy back in 1987, I asked myself, “If this friend that I care about came to see me right now, what would he find?” “Would anything be different than when we met, 1-1/2 years ago?” Just as with the other guy, I don’t know the exact reasons why he decided he didn't want to date me at the time we met or since (it wasn't a lack of physical attraction), but whatever it was, I wondered if there would be anything different now. “Is there anything in my life that would be different enough to possibly make him reconsider his options?” And, “What would I want him to see?”

Here's what I would want him to see (not in any particular order):

Someone who has created a clean and orderly, comfortable home with touches of beauty throughout.

Someone who has resolved what her role is to be in her brother's life.

Someone who has a healthy awareness and gratefulness for what she has, along with goals toward the future.

Someone who is at peace in her relationship with God and who is spiritually growing.

Someone who is involved in a ministry of some sort and is compassionate and loving to others. Someone who is more focused on serving others than serving herself.

Someone not afraid to talk about her faith and beliefs.

Someone who has learned to save money and live frugally. Someone able to live within her means and be content, while doing what she can to improve her financial position.

Someone who has expanded her horizons, who has opened herself to new opportunities and growth, whose world is larger than just the small world around her.

Someone who is physically active and eats healthfully for the most part.

Someone able to live in this world, but daily preparing for Christ's second coming.

Yes, this is who I want to be and in some areas I am closer to being this person than I used to be. But in others, I am still a long way from being there. I'm not even sure what holds me back, except life seems to continue to throw things at me that I don't handle very well and seems to throw me off-course for various periods of time. Not that life unfolds perfectly for anyone, as I know it doesn't, but somehow even in the midst of the terrific storms of life, some people are able to maintain their focus and not become diverted into meaningless, dead-end side-trips. Whereas I have too often become diverted, lost focus, and spent years indulging in the meaningless, dead-end, depressing, side-trips. Somehow, I haven’t retained my focus in the way that I wish I had. Additionally, I have lacked and still lack some of the tools needed to become this person I desire to be.

So, the questions I ask now are, "What do I need to do to become this person?" "What steps can I take now, toward becoming the person I wish my friend to see, no matter if he ever sees or not?" "What tools do I need to obtain to enable me to become this person I desire to be and where do I obtain them?"

To be continued...

Waiting beside the Jordan...

2008-04-07T14:54:00.005-04:00

Friday morning, during my prayer time, I felt the Holy Spirit speaking to me, telling me that I had passed the "test," I had come through my "Spiritual Jordan." I was elated, of course, as it has been a long and tiresome trial for me, one that I had never made it all the way through before. To be honest, I also felt that doors would begin opening right and left for me to go forward into marriage and ministry! But on Sunday and today, I found myself feeling pretty miserable and discouraged.

Physically, I came down with a bad cold or sinus infection and ended up sleeping most of these two days and just praying and hoping I've gotten past the worst of it. Emotionally and spiritually, I have all of sudden not known what to do with myself. I'm not moving forward in my life yet and I feel like I'm just standing/sitting here on the bank of the Jordan waiting for my directions and God has not given them to me yet.

A little bit ago, I was resting and trying to calm my emotions and not venture into disbelief, when a picture of the disciples in the upper room came to mind. After Christ had died and the disciples had completely forgotten that He was to rise again on the third day, on Sunday, they were gathered together in the upper room, behind closed doors for fear of the Jews. I'm sure they also were feeling quite discouraged and miserable, wondering what to do next. Although Christ had risen again, the disciples were not aware of this yet as Christ had not appeared to them.

In the Bible in John 20:19-22, it reads, "19 Then that same first day of the week, when it was evening, though the disciples were behind closed doors for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them, and said, Peace to you! 20 So saying, He showed them His hands and His side. And when the disciples saw the Lord they were filled with joy (delight, exultation, ecstasy, rapture). 21 Then Jesus said to them again, Peace to you! [Just] as the Father has sent Me forth, so I am sending you. 22 And having said this, He breathed on [them] and said to them, Receive (admit) the Holy Spirit!"

A short time later, in a matter of days, Christ met with the disciples again and gave them their instructions, their commission (see Matthew 28:19-20), which is also our commission. But even then, there remained a slight waiting period. In Acts 1:4 the Bible says, "And while being in their company and eating at the table with them, He commanded them not to leave Jerusalem, but to wait for what the Father had promised, Of which, He said you have heard me speak (meaning the Holy Spirit). A little later Christ ascended unto heaven and the disciples returned to the upper room where they were indefinitely staying to wait for the outpouring of the Holy Spirit as Christ had commanded them.

So, what did they do during this waiting period? In Acts 1:14, it says, "All of these (meaning the disciples and the others gathered with them) with their minds in full agreement devoted themselves steadfastly to prayer, [waiting together] with the women and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with His brothers."

Although I am struggling a bit with still more "waiting," I realize that I need to do as the disciples did and devote steadfastly to prayer. The doors will open, God will give me my directions, but just as the disciples had to wait a little while yet, so must I.

Call me Mara [bitter]...

2008-04-04T07:51:00.003-04:00

First, let me say, "Thankfully, by the Grace of God alone, I'm not bitter!" But, what the title of this post is referring to is what Naomi, in the Bible in Ruth 1:20-21, had said upon her return to Bethlehem.

"20 And she said to them, Call me not Naomi [pleasant], call me Mara [bitter]; for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. 21 I went out full, and the Lord has brought me home again empty; why call me Naomi, since the Lord has testified against me, and the Almighty has afflicted me?"

This past week, these words kept coming to mind as how I felt. I have felt these past several months that "the Lord has testified against me, and the Almighty has afflicted me." I have been afflicted and tormented and left empty and maybe that's where God needed me to be. Maybe He needed me to become completely empty, empty of pride and self-sufficiency, empty of my goals or dreams, so that I could be filled with His Spirit, His goals, and His desires for me.

I like the part that follows these words of Naomi...Starting in Chapter 2 of the book of Ruth, God begins his restoration of Naomi and her daughter-in-law Ruth. He works miracles in their lives and brings about physical and financial redemption to them through Boaz. He doesn't just leave them there, afflicted and tormented, but provides for them in miraculous ways and I believe He is going to do the same for me. He will bring healing and restoration to my life and redeem me spiritually, physically, emotionally, and financially. He will work miracles within my life. He will fulfill His promises to me!

Expecting a miracle!

2008-03-31T06:36:00.002-04:00

March has been a horrible month, or at least it seems like it to me. I'll truly be glad to turn the page on my calendar! Work has been horrible, winter has refused to give up, and I've felt like I was dying emotionally and sometimes spiritually. But, as I read my emails this morning, The Dare to Trust! Daily Devotional, "Your Faith Has Healed You," and an email from our Head Elder at church, "Miracles in Mexico," I realized that I have never gone into my day, my week, my life, expecting, trusting for miracles. I wonder how much this could change my life to go into each day expecting miracles from God, expecting Him to open the doors, "part the waters," heal/restore, and deliver me and others?

When Christ was here on earth, there were some towns (including Nazareth, the town He grew up in) that He was unable to do "works of power" (ie, miracles) there because of the people's disbelief. In Mark 6:5-6, the Bible says, "5And He was not able to do even one work of power there [talking about Nazareth], except that He laid His hands on a few sickly people [and] cured them. 6And He marveled because of their unbelief--their lack of faith in Him. And He went about among the surrounding villages [and] continued teaching."

How sad! How sad to have missed out on the "work of power" that Christ was able and willing to do because of unbelief. I don't want to be like that! I want to be like the woman of Matthew 9:21-22, the woman who had been ill for 12 long years, but "She said to herself, "If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed." Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said. "Your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment."

Faith and February...

2008-02-28T20:31:00.012-05:00

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" (Hebrews 11:1).

Just as surely as February's gray skies, snow covered fields, brown trees, and dark-blue, icy streams will eventually give way to spring's soft breezes, sunny skies, green leafy shoots, and colorful flowers, so will God fulfill His promises at His appointed time.

In the midst of February, it feels as if winter will never give way to spring; the grayness of it all lingers on. And so it is at times in our lives, waiting for God to open the doors, to bring about the fulfillment of a promise, to show us the way.

The Psalmist says in Psalm 37:4-5, 7a, "4 Delight yourself also in Lord and He will give you the desired and secret petitions of your heart. 5 Commit your way to the Lord--roll and repose [each care of] of your load on Him; trust (lean on, rely on and be confident) also in Him, and He will bring it to pass. 7a Be still and rest in the Lord; wait for Him, and patiently stay yourself upon Him." And in Psalm 57:2, he says, "I will cry to God Most High, Who performs on my behalf and rewards me--Who brings to pass [His purposes] for me and surely completes them!"

Spring will surely come...

Called to walk in the (Holy) Spirit...

2008-01-29T20:42:00.000-05:00

In Galatians 5:16, God through the apostle Paul, calls the Christian believer to walk in the (Holy) Spirit, not the flesh, "But I say, walk and live habitually in the (Holy) Spirit--responsive to and controlled and guided by the Spirit; then you will certainly not gratify the cravings and desires of the flesh--of human nature without God."

In verses 19 through 24, Paul goes on to describe the outward differences. 19 Now the doings (practices) of the flesh are clear--obvious; they are immorality, impurity, indecency; 20 Idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, anger (ill temper), selfishness, divisions (dissensions), party spirit (factions, sects with peculiar opinions, heresies); 21 Envy, drunkenness, carousing, and the like. I warn you beforehand, just as I did previously, that those who do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God. 22 But the fruit of the (Holy) Spirit, [the work which His presence within accomplishes]--is love, joy (gladness), peace, patience (an even temper, forbearance), kindness, goodness (benevolence), faithfulness; 23 (Meekness, humility) gentleness, self-control (self-restraint, continence). Against such things there is no law [that can bring a charge]. 24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus, the Messiah, have crucified the flesh--the Godless human nature--with its passions and appetites and desires."

This morning, as I was reading in the book, "The Desire of Ages," I read a couple of paragraphs that talked about being a witness for Christ. A couple of sentences, in particular, caught my attention: "We should never give to the world the false impression that Christians are a gloomy, unhappy people. If our eyes are fixed on Jesus, we shall see a compassionate Redeemer, and shall catch light from His countenance. Where His Spirit reigns, there peace abides. And there will be joy also, for there is a calm, holy trust in God."

In another book of mine that deals specifically with learning to "walk in the Spirit," one of the first questions it asks in the growth and study guide is, "What might happen in your life if you were to follow the instructions in Galatians 5:16?" As I read the question, the first thought that came into my head was, "I would have to give up my right to be in a bad mood, to be ill-tempered when I feel like it!" Ouch! Talk about God opening my eyes!

I have known for a long time that whenever I am faced with a lot of things not going my way, a lot of stress from situations or people, or when my life feels out of balance, I have a tendency to "lose" my Christianity. I will get into a foul mood and become negative, rebellious, difficult, obstinate, and ill-tempered. My "walk in the (Holy) Spirit" lasts until the "rubber meets the road," and then it's all over. I begin my walk in the flesh (sinful, fallen human nature). I know that this is wrong and yet I haven't been able to remain in the Spirit. When talking to God about this, He showed me it's because I want to hang onto my "right to walk in the flesh" whenever I feel like it and when I do choose to walk in the flesh, the presence of the (Holy) Spirit must leave. A person can't serve two masters. Either she will serve the Lord through obedience and walking in the Spirit, or she will serve the enemy and walk in the flesh. By choosing to walk in the flesh, I am thereby choosing to not experience the fruit of the (Holy) Spirit (joy, peace, love). To continue to walk in the Spirit, I must give up my right to walk in the flesh. How scary that feels! The thought of never again being able to use my right to get into a bad mood, to take out my frustrations on someone or something else, to be obstinate, difficult, negative, and ill-tempered. It's like telling the alcoholic he/she can never have another drink, and yet, that is exactly what they must accept before they can experience recovery. In a similar way I must actually learn to surrender to God my negative, ill-tempered feelings and my right to express them, and allow Him to remove them rather than reverting to walking in the flesh. This is not going to be easy. In fact, the only way I'll even get to the point of being willing is with God's help. "I will [not merely walk, but] run the way of Your commandments, when You give me a heart that is willing" Psalm 119:32. "O Lord, please give me a willing heart!"

And the waiting continues...

2008-01-20T09:02:00.000-05:00

This weekend has been emotionally and spiritually hard for me. I found myself feeling anxious, tired, and irritated at the waiting, constant, never-ending (it seems) waiting. Waiting for God's fulfillment of my dream, God's direction, God's appointed time. I tried to pray and got irritated at God during prayer; I tried to read and got irritated at God's promises. Nothing seemed get me out of the "rut" I had fallen into over the weekend. Even during the potluck after church, a time when I usually enjoy talking and socializing with others, I got irritated and mad at several people. I was definitely not my usual self. It was actually a relief to come home and eventually go to bed.

Thankfully, God doesn't "leave me there," when I have fallen into one of my "bad moods." This morning, my Bible reading was about Joseph, during the time when he was in the dungeon, and then at "God's appointed time," he was called forth to his new life, his purpose. The sermon yesterday had been on the exact same Bible verses and as I read it, I could imagine how Joseph must have felt during the "waiting." After Pharaoh's Chief Butler had been restored to his position and the Chief Baker had been hung, just as Joseph had through God's Spirit told them it would be, the butler forgot to mention Joseph to Pharaoh. It was another two years of waiting in the dungeon before the king had the prophetic dreams and the butler remembered Joseph and how God had given him the interpretation of the butler's dream. During these two years Joseph must have wondered and pleaded with God for a plan, a purpose, the fulfillment of his dreams, or at least I imagine that he must have. And then, one day, at God's "appointed time," he was called forth from the dungeon to his new life as governor over all of Egypt, second only to Pharaoh.

Joseph's calling forth must have felt like being woke-up from the dead, or at least that is how I would have felt. Sometimes I feel so "dead" in this waiting and at God's appointed time, when He finally calls me forth from the "dungeon of waiting," it will feel as if I've just been raised from the dead!

Reading the story and thinking about how Joseph may have felt made me think about the reasons for waiting. A few months back I had studied about waiting, about staying in the crucible, the trial and the authors of a couple of different books had listed reasons for waiting, which I have since combined. Reading over these reasons again was a fresh reminder of the blessings to be had from waiting. Here is my combined list:

Waiting can refocus our attention away from "things" and back to God Himself; it encourages us to get to know God better.
Waiting allows us to develop a clearer picture of our own motives and desires; it tends to purify them.
Waiting builds perseverance--spiritual stamina, steadfastness, staying power.
Waiting opens the door to the development of many spiritual strengths, such as faith, trust, and patience.
Waiting allows God to put down other pieces in the puzzle of the bigger picture. (One of my favorites.)
Waiting energizes us for the walk (or race or battle) ahead. It gives us time to rest and refuel.

My next thought was, "But what are we to do during the waiting?" "What did David do while he waited for the throne to become his as God had promised?" "What did Saul not do when he was waiting for Samuel to arrive to offer sacrifices to the Lord?" And then, more specifically, "What am I to be doing?"

In Psalm 37:1-11, David explains what we are to do...Over and over again in various ways he says, "Fret not, neither be anxious;" "Delight yourself in the Lord (meaning 'to live in a state of perfect trust. Nothing can ruffle our peace, because God is here and at work. We can praise Him, we can even smile, because no one can outwit our God!');" "Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him;" "Be still and rest in the Lord, wait for Him, fret not;" "Cease from anger, forsake wrath, fret not." And, although David made his mistakes, this he did right...he waited, he did not rush ahead and "grab what God had not yet given." David had several opportunities in which to kill King Saul and take the throne by force, but David recognized that "God's gifts are always best received from His hand and in His time."

On the other hand, King Saul did the exact opposite. He became impatient, anxious, and angry at the wait and chose to make the sacrifices without Samuel (God's representative). And in doing so, he caused himself to sin and then refused to acknowledge his sin before God, which led to his permanent loss of the throne.

So, once again I am brought back to the vivid pictures of the choices I have and what I must do. I must choose to wait, just as David did, and not rush ahead and try to "grab the gift" that God has not yet given. Also, I need to refocus on what I need to be doing and learning from this time of waiting:

Continue to spend time with God, getting to know Him better, continuing to grow spiritually, learning to quiet myself and rest.
Continue learning to trust, learning to depend upon and wait for God, learning to "not lean on my own understanding," or anyone else's, but rather on God.
Continue learning faithfulness and perseverance, learning to be constant and steadfast (staying power).
Continue using the time to prepare physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually (as described above) to become a wife and possibly a mother.

The task is not easy and many times I feel so broken and helpless, but as Philippians 4:13 states, "I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me--I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me, [that is, I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency]. And, in 2 Corinthians 12:9, God promises that His grace will be sufficient. "But He said to me, My grace--My favor and loving-kindness and mercy--are enough for you, [that is, sufficient against any danger and to enable you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect--fulfilled and completed and show themselves most effective--in [your] weakness..." Also, He has promised to not give us more than we can bear, "For no temptation--no trial regarded as enticing to sin [no matter how it comes or where it leads]--has overtaken you and laid hold on you that is not common to man--that is, no temptation or trial has come to you that is beyond human resistance and that is not adjusted and adapted and belonging to human experience, and such as man can bear. But God is faithful [to His Word and to His compassionate nature], and He [can be trusted] not to let you be tempted beyond your ability and strength of resistance and power to endure, but with the temptation He will [always] also provide the way out--the means of escape to a landing place--that you may be capable and strong and powerful patiently to bear up under it" (1 Corinthians 10:13).

And so, the waiting continues and I continue to yield to the waiting.

Doubt opens the door...

2008-01-14T16:49:00.000-05:00

This morning, after reading my online devotion which talked about "seeds of doubt," I realized that doubting God opens the door to sin. Eve, in the Garden of Eden, was fine until she allowed the serpent's words (the seed of doubt) to create a thought of doubt. As soon as she allowed herself to doubt God for even one minute, it opened the door to disobedience (sin).

This has been true in my life also. At some point, as a child and when I experienced things that didn't fit with my picture of what I thought God should or should not be doing to provide for me, the initial thoughts of doubt and distrust crept into my mind. From there it only grew until I thought nothing of disobeying God, even at a huge personal cost, because I no longer trusted what God said.

The only step to take is to say as Job did, "Yea though He slay me, yet will I trust Him." By taking the stand, I am going to trust and obey, no matter what everyone else is telling me and no matter what my outward visible circumstances look like, allows God to work tremendous miracles on my behalf and gives me His peace "which transcends all understanding" (Philippians 4:6-7).

In quietness and (trusting) confidence...

2008-01-13T21:20:00.000-05:00

A verse that has become one of my favorites now is Isaiah 30:15. "For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, In returning to Me and resting in Me you shall be saved; in quietness and in (trusting) confidence shall be your strength. And You would not." [My thoughts: Please don't let it be said of me, Lord. Please help me to quiet myself and trust in You!]

Although I had read it before, it has become really significant to me over the past couple of weeks as I've been learning to quiet myself even through stressful situations/events in my life. On New Year's weekend I received my eviction hearing notice, which of course, created some stress. I found myself waking up in the night and saying to myself, "in quietness and in (trusting) confidence shall be your strength." It is amazing how true this verse really is...I feel stronger emotionally, I'm not chaotically "running all over the place," but rather I mentally and emotionally come back to God's quietness and rest and trust that He will take care of it and help me to know and do my part. It's actually really cool!

I'm grateful that God has brought me to the to the place where I am today and I never want to go back to the mental and emotional fearful and frantic chaos that was before. It is so peaceful and restful no matter what is going on around me that I feel truly blessed!

Whatever you are filled with...

2008-01-05T06:39:00.000-05:00

Sometime ago, I came across an old Native American saying, "Whatever you are filled with will spill out when bumped." I have never been able to forget this, particularly when anger, hatred, bitterness, or envy spill forth out of me when people or life "bump" me. I desire to be filled with God's peace, joy, and love, but too often the opposite spills forth.

Yesterday, one of my online devotionals (Dare to Trust! from Literature Ministries International) talked about Deuteronomy 8:2, "And you shall (earnestly) remember all the way which the Lord your God led you these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you, and to prove you, to know what was in your [mind and] heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not."

The author of the devotional, then pointed out that there were three things expressing the "why" of their wilderness journey. "First, to 'humble you.' God wanted to reveal their pride, ego, self-sufficiency, and independence. Second, to 'prove you.' God sought to reveal the sincerity of their faith. Was it a faith that had relevance to their daily lives? Third, to 'know what was in their hearts.' They needed to realize the deceitfulness and degradation of their hearts. 'The heart is deceitful above all things, who can know it.' God sought to orchestrate their lives to be upright in their love of Him."

These words really spoke to me, as I have felt like I've been going through a "wilderness" experience. I realized that these were additional reasons for me to go through what I have been going through...First, I also needed to be humbled and my financial deprivation has certainly humbled me and created a "teachable" spirit within me. Second, I also needed my faith proven as I have not been willing to stay in and go through the crucible ever before. I have always backed off, resented and became angry, or ran away from the "testing," anything except stay in the trial, wait it out, yield and go through it. Third, just as the Israelites needed to know what was in the their hearts, I also needed to know. So often, I have felt that "I'm not all that bad, I'm loving, I'm kind and generous." Getting "bumped" by people and life recently has shown me exactly what I'm filled with deep within my heart and it's not from God. God needed me to see the truth so that I could acknowledge my sin and plead for a new heart!

This morning, just before waking up, I had a dream in which I saw someone do something to someone else that was wrong and made me angry. The anger I experienced was "righteous indignation" (not a sin), but instead of taking the time to ask God how I should respond or what I needed to do, I remained angry and ended up taking out my anger on someone else who didn't deserve my anger (a sin). In turn, I saw that person then take out their pain and anger on a third, innocent bystander. I was going to say something, but then realized I had been the cause and had done the exact same thing. I woke up knowing that in my dream (and too often in real life), I had allowed my anger to cause me to sin and in turn had angered someone else, who also sinned because of their anger. What a harsh way to wake up!

When I started to write today's entry, I looked over what I had written yesterday and remembered the peace I had felt all day, but didn't seem to have this morning. As I thought longingly of that peace, God spoke to me in my heart and said, "It's available to you again today, you just have to let go of your anger, quiet yourself before Me, and rest in My presence. You don't have to stay (emotionally) where you are right now." Thank You, Lord, for this reminder. Help me to quiet myself again before You and rest in Your presence. Amen. [So be it.]

At rest...

2008-01-04T11:27:00.000-05:00

OK Lord, here I am...What do You want to do with me? What do You want me to do? I realize that I don't know what You are doing and I don't know what I'm suppose to be doing. I'm just here...Your daughter...Your choice...Your plan...Your will...and Your timing.

I sure do have hopes, dreams, and desires, but even in these I can't pretend to know Your will. I am here in Your "green pastures," trying to learn to rest and quiet myself before You and in Your presence. I'm surely not "there" yet, but I have hope that I will get there. I have longings, but know that even these are outside of my ability to bring about. My life is in Your hands...please take me and fulfill Your will. Show me Your ways that I may walk in them and Your charge that I may keep it.

I know that everything is empty and brings "death" unless it is given by You. I feel as if I must sit here, before You, until You have given me Your directions. So...although I must physically get up and go to my job today, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, I am still sitting before You, waiting.

The truth is Lord, I don't ever want to leave Your green pastures. I desire to get married, possibly have a child, have a ministry, a purpose, a life, but not if I have to sacrifice Your green pastures for it. I don't know exactly how this works in real life, (ie, practical application), but that's where I'm at. I'm going to trust that You will show me how this works. Thank You.

My prayer today...

2007-12-24T07:48:00.000-05:00

Psalm 143:8, 10-12
8 Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning; for on You do I lean and in You do I trust. Cause me to know the way wherein I should walk, for I lift up my inner self to You.
10 Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God; let Your good Spirit lead me into a plain country and into the land of uprightness.
11 Save my life, O Lord, for Your name's sake; in Your righteousness bring my life out of trouble and free me from distress.
12 And in Your mercy and lovingkindness cut off my enemies and destroy all those who afflict my inner self, for I am Your servant.

Learning to lie down and rest...

2007-12-23T22:52:00.000-05:00

God is so good and so wonderful! Not only does He shows us the sins that are in the way of getting closer to Him, but He also provides a way out of them!

As I spent time praying and asking God to help me quiet myself this past week, I was reading out of book called, "Powerful Promises for Every Woman," by Elizabeth George. The book is focused on Psalm 23 and explains the "12 Life-Changing Truths from Psalm 23." The chapter, "God's Promise of Rest," is about Psalm 23:2: "He makes me to lie down in green pastures." It also talks about the reasons why sheep won't lie down: 1) Fear. A sheep that is afraid will not lie down and get the rest it needs. It takes the presence of the Shepherd to dispel all fear; 2) Hunger. It's a fact that a sheep that's hungry will not lie down and receive the rest it needs. Instead, it wanders about restlessly, frantically searching for food; 3) Fighting. A sheep that's involved in or even witnessing fighting also cannot lie down and receive the rest it needs. As I thought about how these truths apply to my spiritual life and my struggle to "lay down and luxuriate in God's green pastures," I asked myself, "Why won't I lie down? Is it fear, hunger, fighting?" I knew fear was a huge factor; I felt constant anxiety about "lying down." I fear that God will just leave me here and forget about me, that I will cease to exist in His mind and heart. I know He has promised to never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5), therefore, I know that my fear is not based upon truth or what is real, so I needed to just remind myself of this. Hunger: I knew it wasn't hunger as I have been regularly feeding on God's Word and thoroughly enjoying it! Fighting: I knew some of it was fighting. Although God has promised to fight my battles for me, I found myself going out there and fighting life, the "bears," the "wolves," and the "lions of life, and Satan and all his cohorts. God, as my Shepherd is fighting and will continue to fight them for me, but somehow, somewhere, I felt I had to go out there and fight too. But when I do so, I end up feeling battered, wounded, and unable to rest. It leaves me feeling uncared for.

Then God gave me a picture in my mind of His green pastures, beside the still waters (second half of Psalm 23:2). I found myself wanting to lie down, but still not able to as I anxiously looked up at the cliffs on the other side of the stream. I kept looking at the future, worried that He might not take me there (provide a husband for me). Throughout that day, while I mentally/emotionally tried to picture myself lying down and forgetting about the future, not looking anxiously at it, I couldn't do it. Again, that night and the next morning, I found myself praying for help to let go of the anxiety about the future. The following morning, while getting ready for work I started thinking about Isaac and how he must have felt waiting for his father's servant, Eliezer to return and wondering if he was going to bring back a bride for Isaac. I went to the Bible and read the story again and realized that although Isaac probably looked longingly at the horizon for Eliezer's return and the hopes of a bride being with him, it wasn't with anxiety that he waited and watched. In fact, in Genesis 24:662-63, it says, "62 Now Isaac had returned from going to the well Beer-lahai-roi (that is, A well to the Living One Who sees me), for he [now] dwelt in the South country--the Negeb. 63 And Isaac went out to meditate and bow down [in prayer] in the open country in the evening; and he looked up and saw that lo, the camels were coming." First, Isaac went about his work with a "business as usual" attitude and then he proceeded to "meditate and bow down [in prayer]." I recognized that God was calling me to do the same in regards to waiting for a husband. I can look longingly in hope toward the future, but I'm not to be anxious about it. Instead, I am to "be about the business of my daily life," and continue to "meditate and bow down in prayer" and trust that just as He (God) fulfilled Isaac's need for a wife, God will fulfill my need for a husband.

Over the next day or so I found it easier to think about lying down and didn't experience as much anxiety about the whole situation, but I still was having trouble with emotionally/mentally lying down to rest. I knew the other thing that needed to be dealt with was the anxiety about my finances. So, again I turned to God in prayer.

Sabbath morning, after getting up and even during and after my study and prayer time, I felt so drained, so empty. In fact, I ended up reading Psalm 38 and much of the Psalm was exactly how I felt, but in particular, verses 8-10 "8 I am faint and sorely bruised--deadly cold and quite worn out; I groan by reason of the disquiet and moaning of my heart. 9 Lord, all my desire is before You, and my sighing is not hid from You, 10 My heart throbs, my strength fails me; as for the light of my eyes, it also is gone from me." And then, Psalm 139, in particular verse 7, "Where could I go from Your Spirit? [and where would I want to go...my thoughts]. Or where could I flee from Your presence? [Please don't let me...my thoughts, again.] All day I struggled with my feelings of despair and loss in regards to my finances.

This morning (Sunday), during my prayer time, the Lord really opened up the windows of my mind and heart and spoke to me directly about my finances through the reading of His Word in Zechariah 2 and the book Prophets & Kings (pages 573-575). Both of these readings were all about the return of the exiles (Israelites) from Babylon. They were to return to Jerusalem and rebuild the temple. But they met with opposition and became discouraged, went to their own homes and began restoring their own homes instead of the temple first. This only created more problems for themselves as the thing they feared the most (poverty), is exactly what came upon them because they didn't obey God and rebuild the temple first in faith and trust. God had promised to prosper them, as long as they obeyed Him and put Him first in their lives, which involved restoring the temple.

What a lesson!!!! I knew that God was speaking directly to me and my financial sin. I have for many years put my "own house" (personal wants and needs) above "restoring God's temple" (giving back to Him in Tithes and Offerings) as He has commanded. Therefore, the one thing I have dreaded more than anything else (poverty) has come upon me. But, thankfully, God didn't leave me there. He went on to show me through the Israelites experience that all they needed to do was repent and step forward in faith and obedience and He would turn things around for them. God also gave me a verse that reassured me that He will rid me of this sin in my life. In Zechariah 3:4-7, it says, "4 And He (God) spoke to those who stood before Him, saying, Take away the filthy garments from him. And He said to Joshua, Behold, I have caused your iniquity to pass from you, and I will clothe you with rich apparel. 5 And I [Zechariah] said, let them put a clean turban on his head. So they put a clean turban on his head, and clothed him with rich garments. And the Angel of the Lord stood by. 6 And the Angel of the Lord solemnly and earnestly protested and affirmed to Joshua, saying, 7 Thus says the Lord of hosts: If you will walk in My ways and keep My charge, then also you shall rule My house and have charge of My courts, and I will give you access [to My presence] and places to walk among those who stand here." My burden was truly lifted from my heart and my prayer became, "Lord, please teach me Your ways that I may walk in them and Your charge, that I may keep it."

By the grace of God, I am now able to lie down and rest. At times, I still find myself, out of habit, trying to toss and turn and not rest, but all I have to do is remind myself of what He has shown me, how He has taught me to lie down and I can once again lie down and rest.

Learning to quiet myself and wait...

2007-12-17T19:24:00.000-05:00

The Sabbath School lessons this quarter have been truly excellent! Every week there has been something I can apply to my life and this past week was no different. The theme of last week's lesson was learning to wait upon God to act on our behalf and we studied about David and Saul and how David didn't do anything towards the fulfillment of God's promise to make him King, even when he had several opportunities to kill Saul, who was the King of Israel at the time and trying to kill him (David). Instead, in faith, David waited for God to act on his behalf and at the appointed time, after Saul had been killed in battle, David was given the throne.

As some of you who have read my latest updates may know, I'm in the midst of waiting upon God for a husband and for the financial resources (above what I am making through my work, which is not enough) to live on and make restitution. Internally, I found myself feeling "strapped down;" feeling as if someone had me on a gurney in the hospital and had me strapped down so I couldn't move. I felt frantic, tossing and turning, trying to break free. As I looked to God, I kept begging Him to loose me from the gurney, but He wouldn't. As I struggled emotionally throughout the week, I was reading about David's waiting and I couldn't seem to grasp what I needed to do to enable myself to wait or how I was to do it.

Thursday morning, as I was contemplating the lesson and how to apply it to my life, a thought came into my mind, "What did King Saul need to do when he was waiting for Samuel (God's prophet) to arrive at Gilgal to offer up sacrifices to God, that he didn't do because he was impatient, and which ultimately led to his downfall?" Instead of quieting himself before the Lord (and the people) and continuing to wait for Samuel to arrive, he "broke forth" and made the sacrifice on his own, a sin.

So, what do I need to do? I too need to quiet myself (emotionally) before the Lord and wait for God to act on my behalf. The longer I take to quiet myself, the longer I'll have to wait for Him to act on my behalf. Otherwise, I'm liable to act rashly and sin and hurt myself.

Upon realizing the significance of this "picture" God had given me, I now could understand why God was saying, "No," to my plea to be released from the ties that bound me to the gurney. I also could understand why I was seeing a gurney in a hospital. God couldn't/wouldn't loose me from the gurney until I quit striving and fighting Him as He needed to perform "heart surgery" upon me. But, I couldn't seem to stop. I was too scared to stop. I was afraid if I stopped that He would leave me there forever, all strapped down (emotionally and financially). Even now, as I'm trying to quiet myself before Him, I'm still scared; I'm still asking Him, "For how long, Lord, how long? How long and how painful will this 'heart surgery' be? Will I die (emotionally and financially)? Will I be a cripple when You are done? Do You really love me? Will You give me an abundant life (emotionally and financially) or will You forget about me and let me die? Do You really, truly love me?

He answered me and said, "Yes! I really, truly love You and I won't let you die and I won't leave you here forever, but I have to remove the 'stony heart out of [your] flesh' and 'give [you] a heart of flesh' [a heart that is sensitive and responsive to My (God's) touch], so that I will 'keep His statues and ordinances' and 'I will be His people and He shall be my God'" (Ezekiel 11:19-20) .

God is requiring me to go through these trials of complete singleness and financial deprivation for a time (not forever) for two main reasons: 1) So that I will come to abhor the sins that have caused this and never want to commit them again, and 2) So that I learn to quiet myself before Him and trust Him and be willing to wait for Him to act on my behalf.

So, with these thoughts and with this prayer, "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me," I am learning to quiet myself before the Lord and wait upon Him to act on my behalf. When the appointed time has come, when I am past the point where I will act rashly or hurt myself, He will loose the ties that have strapped me down.

"Amazing Grace" sung by Wintley Phipps...Unforgettable!

2007-12-08T23:41:00.000-05:00

Living in exile...

2007-11-23T18:44:00.000-05:00

There have been 3 distinct times (this time being one of them) that I've been in this place of exile, this place of complete singleness. During the first time, I was at a complete loss as to what I should do and I didn't understand why I was going through it. It felt like it would go on forever and I was overwhelmed with the loneliness of my situation. Therefore, I connected with a friend that I had known for most of my life. When I connected with him, I felt that God told me that I could be friends with him, but I wasn't to date him as he wasn't for me (he had a lot of personal baggage and issues that he hadn't dealt with and still hasn't dealt with). I ended up going against what I felt God had told me and chose to get involved with him for the next 6-7 years.

The second time I was in this place of exile or complete singleness, was 3-1/2 years ago, just before my Dad died. This time, I felt that God had told me I needed to be patient and wait for who He had planned for me. This was fine until I was emotionally drained from watching my Dad die, something unexpected happened (one of my nephews was killed in a motorcycle accident), and something I should have expected, but wasn't emotionally ready to deal with happened (my brother temporarily returned to a life of constant drinking). The combination seemed too much for me and I reverted back to old behaviors and familiar people, my ex from the first time mentioned above.

Coming back to this place of exile again has been difficult, but a couple of weeks ago, I asked God if it was because I was so unlovable that I was back in this position or if it was Him Who had brought me back here. The next day, the Sabbath School lesson was on "Our Father's Plan for Us." The setting was Jeremiah 29:1-10. It talked about why God's people should not give up hope even though they had just been taken captive into exile. The three important sources of hope were: 1) Their situation was not the result of chance or unpredictable evil. For God Himself said, "I carried [Judah] into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon" (vs. 4, NIV); 2) He [God] can work even within their present difficulties. "Also seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper" (vs. 7, NIV); and 3) He [God] is going to bring an end to their exile at a specific time. "This is what the Lord says: 'When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place' " (vs. 10, NIV).

After reading this, I felt strongly that God was answering my question. I wasn't back in exile because I was unlovable, but because He brought me here. He needs me to go through this without running away from it or rebelling against it. Additionally, I felt that God was telling me that I needed to pray for the prosperity of the city of exile (singleness) that He has brought me to and that it isn't forever. Thankfully, I also believe it isn't for 70 years as I wouldn't even be alive anymore, nor do I think it will be 7 years as I feel that God has told me it would be in a "reasonable amount of time." I don't know if "reasonable amount of time" means 4 months (unlikely), 7 months (probably), or longer (hope not), but I know that I can trust God with the timing and fulfillment of His promise to not leave me here. Knowing this hasn't made the adjustment much easier, I still struggled with self-pity and sulking for the first week or so, but I am pretty much at the point of acceptance now. I just pray that this time I can past the "test," persevere through the trial, and come out on the other side a "winner."

Walking my talk...

2007-10-07T08:24:00.000-04:00

How can we ever preach/teach something we have never actually learned? We can't. Our actions will always speak louder than our words. This is why we must first learn before we can teach others.

This truth has really hit home to me this weekend as I struggled with maintaining purity within a relationship/friendship. In fact, even though I didn't lose the battle physically (which is only because of distance), I did lose it mentally and verbally, which is just as much of a loss as losing it physically.

This morning, during my prayer time, I realized that I have been choosing boys/men over obedience to God for a long time. In first grade I had my first experience with this scenario. There was a little boy that I really, really liked and I wanted him to like me. One day, the teacher told us we all had to wear our boots when we went outside because it was a wet, rainy, muddy day. Well, the boy I liked didn't wear his boots. For some reason, I thought that he would like me more if I did what he did, so I also didn't wear my boots. Being who I am, someone who can't get away with anything, I got caught and was destined to be punished for my disobedience. I had never been punished or really even disciplined in my life so far (I had been a naturally obedient child up until this day), so I was quite devastated by the thought and the teacher ended up not disciplining me as my mother intervened on my behalf.

As innocent as all of this was, there are a couple of principles coming into play in this situation that I now know helped to create the issues I am still struggling with right now. First of all, although my teacher wasn't God, she was in authority over me and I was to obey and submit to her authority as an indirect obedience and authority to God (Romans 13:1). I didn't obey her, instead I chose pleasing a boy over pleasing my teacher (or indirectly God) through obedience.

Secondly, my mother intervened, not allowing me to experience any consequences of my choice to disobey. Would the consequences of my disobedience have scarred me for life? Unlikely. Therefore, it probably would have been beneficial for me to experience the consequences as a deterrent of future disobedience in the same area.

Not that I'm trying to blame others (my teacher or my mother) for the choices I make today. I'm not, but remembering that experience helped me to understand when my problem of choosing men over God actually started and allowed me to ask forgiveness for my original sin and all that have followed.

Unfortunately, this also doesn't mean that the problem is gone, never to be an issue again. Habits don't usually die that quickly and I've been choosing men over obedience to God for many years. But, I do believe that it is the first step and maybe the most important one in the battle towards purity in relationships.

A month later...

2007-10-03T20:04:00.000-04:00

Well, here it is a whole month later, exactly. How time does fly no matter whether you are having fun or not!

So, what can I tell you about the past month...Well, the church I go to, Otsego SDA Church, had its 140th Anniversary Celebration on the 22nd of September, which went really well...I am now half-way through the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace course I'm taking and haven't made any progress financially, yet...my boss and one of the other girls I work with at the office went in together and bought a workout bench, a weight bar with 5# and 10# weights, and a set of 10# ankle and wrist weights for me, along with the 10# set of barbells that my boss had already given me the week before. Unbelievable! I was completely overwhelmed at their generosity and thoughtfulness. I have been using the workout bench almost every day since. There are a couple of days during the week that I end up only having time for my aerobics, but I'm trying to get to where I do both aerobics and weights six days of the week and rest on Sabbath (except for my leisure walk with some friends after potluck)...You would think with all this exercise and with cutting my calorie intake as much as I have that I would be losing weight quickly. Nope! I'll drop a few pounds and then it seems to take forever to drop down to the next weight goal. Tonight I went to the next level of the aerobics walk, in hopes that it will help me to break through the barrier.

I have been reading, of course. Currently, I'm reading the book, "Loving God with All Your Mind," by Elizabeth George. Another excellent book. This past weekend, I read the book, "When God Writes Your Love Story." That one made me cry, but it showed me how different I want my relationship to be with whomever God has chosen for me. There are days when it feels like it will never happen. Even though I technically didn't wait on God over the past almost 30 years (marriageable age) for the right one, it feels like I have been waiting for the whole almost 45 years of my life! In Proverbs 13:12 it says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire is fulfilled, it is a tree of life." Now let me tell you about hope deferred! It really does make a heart sick and I have thought of this verse often while my hopes of marrying a Godly man have been deferred. I'm glad that it also talks about what it will be like to have the desire fulfilled..."it is a tree of life," that I will be truly grateful for!

Labor Day at Lake Michigan in South Haven...

2007-09-03T19:06:00.000-04:00

Choosing life and going forward in faith...

2007-09-02T23:41:00.000-04:00

Yesterday the sermon was on going forward in faith. Our head elder, who gave the sermon, spoke on Mark 9:17-29. In verse 22, the father of the son that was demon-possessed said to Jesus, "but if You can do anything, do have pity on us and help us." 23 "And Jesus said, [You say to Me], If you can do anything? [Why,] all things can be--are possible--to him who believes!" 24 "At once the father of the boy gave (an eager, piercing, inarticulate) cry with tears, and he said, Lord, I believe! Constantly help my weakness of faith!"

The sermon really spoke to me because I had just had a dream that morning that at first seemed like an awful dream, but later as I was writing about how weak and helpless I sometimes feel, I sensed that it may have been symbolic, rather than literal and it spoke to me of being broken, helpless, so weak and without faith. In the dream I was beside a car that had been in an accident. There was a woman lying on the floorboard on the passenger side, all broken and unable to move, but able to talk. It seemed almost as if I was her and yet I spoke to her. I said, "Give me your hand." She said, "I can't." I replied, "That's OK, I'll just hold your hand." I then reached over, took a hold of her hand and held it tightly, while saying, "It's OK." "Don't worry, I'll stay here with you."

While telling my brother of the dream, he said how it reminded him of how God just reaches down and takes our hand when we are too weak to help ourselves. So true. My brother has been struggling with smoking and drinking again and feels so helpless and I feel so helpless to help him.

Too often I have also found myself back at square one, starting over after trying so hard for so long, not with alcohol, but with my own issues. I know how discouraging it feels to be back there. In fact, last night I felt quite discouraged about several things in my life and about my brother's life. But then during my prayer time this morning, I realized that I must step forward in faith, I must not give up on praying for myself, my brother, or others. The enemy wants us to give up, but God is right there with us saying, "Don't give up!" "All things are possible to him/her that believes."

I also realized today that as hard as it is to start over, as hard as it is to get back up, we must. Sometimes we are so broken we just have to sit there a while and let God hold our hand and tell us it will be OK, but eventually we must get up again. We must choose life for as long as we can! We must go forward in faith!

"The Lesson"

2007-08-31T21:54:00.000-04:00

Although there have been several lessons resulting from my attempted move to Montana this past June, I have continued to feel like I was still missing a piece to the puzzle or I still didn't quite understand the purpose of it all. In fact, I couldn't explain what had happened and why it had happened the way it did.

Well, as of yesterday, the inability to explain what happened has changed. I was talking with one of the girls at work about finances, trying to get out of debt so that I could move and seek a life for myself, when I said something like, "The only reason I didn't stay was because I didn't feel I could pay my bills (which include debt, of course) with the pay I was being offered." All of a sudden it was clear as a bell, this was "THE LESSON" I needed to learn, this was the purpose of all of it! I needed to learn that the only way I would ever be free to answer God's call, to go and do as He wills, was to be debt free.

Prior to this new understanding coming out of an extremely vivid experience, I always thought and talked about being debt free, but it never became a priority in my life. Now I know I never want to be in this position again where debt has made me dependent upon a particular company, job, income, or place. I want to be free to go and do as God wills.

So cute, I just had to share it...

2007-08-30T21:21:00.000-04:00

My sister-in-law sent a link to this video today and it was so cute I just wanted to share it here. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Little Girl and Psalm 23 - Bluefish TV
To play the video, click on the arrow in the middle.

No decisions made without prayer...

2007-08-28T14:10:00.000-04:00

I've been reading the book by Elizabeth George called, "A Woman's Call to Prayer: Making Your Desire to Pray a Reality." Prayer has always been an area of disappointment to me. Either it feels like my prayers aren't very effective, never quite know what to say or ask for, or oftentimes it feels like they aren't being answered. I guess that's why they don't seem very effective.

In one of the chapters, the author talks about knowing God's will and making decisions. She said she came to the point where she realized she needed to "Make no decision without prayer." This was a new and somewhat difficult thought for me, but I wanted to experiment with it, so I started a prayer journal specifically for listing any decisions I needed to make and presenting them before God. I found that there were some decisions I didn't want to present to Him as I wasn't so sure I wanted to know His will in the matter. A little rebellion there, I think. I wanted to make some of my decisions on my own without His input. But I went ahead and put them down and prayed about them (well, except for two of them, I must admit). Other decisions, of course, I felt desperate for His input and questioned whether or not He would or will provide any.

Well, since I've just started I don't have a lot of results to report yet. I'm going to try this method for a few weeks and see how it goes. The rest of the information that I've read in the book is good also, but not so new to my thought process.

Filling my soul with light...

2007-08-25T17:20:00.000-04:00

God has answered my prayer for light instead of darkness in my soul. Today a friend of mine at church handed me a book and asked me to browse through it and tell her what I think of it. She said, "If you like it, we'll get you one when our check comes in at the first of the month."

As I began browsing through the book and reading different sections, everything I read was very uplifting and encouraging. I ended up reading a couple sections that spoke to me and my current situation very directly and gave me hope on what I can do to change it.

Later as my friend and I were taking a walk after potluck (my new habit), she told me that God had really impressed her that I need to read the book she had handed to me, but her husband didn't want to give up the book, understandably, so they were going to buy the book for me. What a blessing!

The book is called, "Your Best Life Now" by Joel Osteen. The section that spoke the most to me today was titled, "Let God Do It His Way." I'm not a very patient person and this is one of my greatest areas of struggle. When I feel that God has given me direction, has told me that something is going to be, or has called me to do something, I put my emotional, mental, spiritual, and sometimes physical engine in "Drive" and go. Too often I find myself half-way down the road, all of a sudden feeling all alone and wondering where He's at, when I look back and see that He's still at the starting gate. Let me tell you now...having to back up, sometimes to a situation that is less desirable than it was, and then having to wait for the instructions to go forward isn't all that fun. I really want to learn to "do it His way" the first time around. It sure would make life more manageable.

Thankfully, even when I have gone forward before He was ready for me to, and have created a mess, He doesn't desert me. He just waits for me to back up, resettle, get through all the emotions the "going forward and backing up" has created, and then when He is ready, He will lead the way. This time, I'm praying and praying that I will just follow and not run ahead again. Running ahead is just too exhausting and such a total waste of time and energy!

Beauty and peace...

2007-08-24T22:01:00.000-04:00

Tonight I long for beauty and peace in my soul more than anything. Right now I am using this photo of a beautiful and peaceful sky that I took back in May from my front yard, as my desktop background. It represents how I want to feel rather than how I have felt this week.

Last night we had some storms come through that were fairly violent and took out my electricity. I thought about how much my emotions felt like those storms and how my life this week felt similar to being without electricity, full of darkness. I told God that I didn't want to be filled with darkness. I wanted His light to fill my soul! I hate it when I feel at odds with God.

Tonight, when talking with one of my sisters about my feelings right now, she mentioned how much it reminded her of the feelings I had previously expressed regarding my relationship with my Dad when he was alive. It is true that I have at times projected the feelings I felt with my Dad onto my relationship with God. I guess they have represented similar positions in my life. My Dad was my "rock" and now God is becoming my "Rock." The biggest difference, other than God is God and my Dad was only a human, is that I expect so much more from God than I did from my Dad because He is God.

At the end of my Dad's life, I was at peace with our relationship, but the truth is we didn't really have a relationship. I just accepted that we never would have the type of relationship I desired. My Dad never really understood my thoughts and where I was coming from. Although I knew he loved me, I didn't feel his love. I think I expected some type of love he wasn't able to give.

With God being God I expect Him to not only understand my needs, but to provide the relationship I desire with Him. When I don't understand Him, His action or non-action in my life, or I feel that He has left me in the dark about something I become angry at Him. Again, although I intellectually know God loves me and have at times felt loved by Him, just as it was with my Dad, I oftentimes don't feel very loved by God. This time I know I'm not asking for a love that God isn't able to give, but maybe I'm asking for a demonstration of love in a way He's not always willing to give or isn't always the best for me. I'm not sure, but I know this is an area of contention. I expect Him to act on my behalf or in a certain way and I feel frustrated, angry, and unloved when He doesn't. I think it's a trust issue. I still don't quite trust that His way, His choice, His will for me is the best.

Thankfully, God isn't done with me yet!

Feeling out of sorts...

2007-08-19T19:36:00.000-04:00

Today I've been feeling out of sorts. My whole life seems in limbo...I can't seem go forward right now and I don't want to go backwards. Sideways doesn't seem the way to go either. I know that I want to go forward with God and I guess I'm just having to learn to wait on Him to give me direction, open the doors, and provide the means to do so. Waiting isn't easy, particularly when I'm not exactly sure what going forward means right now. I don't know exactly what God has planned or when, therefore, I can't say what my plans are, which isn't like me. I've always had plans and dreams. Although I still have dreams, some of them have definitely changed and I no longer have it all planned out. In fact, I don't know how to plan for them at this point since they can only come about if God brings them about. I am definitely out of my comfort zone and maybe that's the first step in this "new life and commitment."

Learning to trust...

2007-08-10T22:27:00.000-04:00

This past couple of weeks I've had several experiences that were significant turning points in my life. I briefly mentioned them in my post from last night, although I didn't describe them in any detail, just called them commitments.

The first experience, which came about on July 31st, was a call to commit to working for God in the future, when my other commitments are finished. I had never before considered working directly for God. Since the beginning of the year I have felt that God was/is preparing me to be a wife to a man who has been called by God to a ministry, and although I was excited by the prospect of marriage, I still didn't feel anything specific about working for God. In fact, I struggled to see how I would fit, but that has changed. About a week ago, I had a paradigm shift...not only did I see myself working with the partner God will provide, but I also saw myself working for God alongside my partner. Hand-in-hand we'll work together...he's not the only one called; so am I. Wow!

The second experience happened earlier this week. I have been going through some really rough times financially. Definitely some of it has been from my own mistakes, but also some of it seemed to be completely out of my control. Finances has always been an area of my life that I never seemed to be able to surrender to God. Growing up, our family never had a lot of money, but there was one time in particular, when I was just about five years old, that we experienced severe poverty. It didn't last a long time, but something significant had happened to me. I don't know if I had prayed and felt that God didn't answer my prayers, or if I heard my parent's prayers and didn't feel that God answered their prayers, but whatever happened, I felt betrayed financially by God and have never trusted Him since in this area of my life.

Monday night God brought me to a point where I knew He required that I make a decision. Was I going to surrender control of my finances to Him and handle His money His way and trust Him to provide when there wasn't enough, or was I going to continue to pretend I could do whatever I wanted with His money and keep borrowing when there wasn't enough? I knew what my answer had to be for me to move forward in His will, so I made two decisions in the act of surrender and implemented them immediately. First, I cut up my credit cards and said "no more relying on credit cards to get me through." Second, I signed up for one of Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University (FPU) course, a thirteen week course on handling money God's way.

The next couple of days were really rough emotionally. Just because I had made the decision to surrender my finances to God and to trust Him and His way, didn't mean that all the old feelings were gone. My feelings from childhood and throughout my life regarding money all surfaced and were "screaming" at me to take everything back. But, through a sermon I listened to, Bible Study and prayer, I ended up calming down somewhat inside.

This evening, God took me one step further. I was checking my account balance tonight because I felt concerned that my insurance company hadn't notified me of the full amount I was going to owe and have drawn out of my account at the beginning of the week. I was correct in that they pulled more than what their letter had said they would pull. The amount they said they would pull was incorrect, so I wasn't surprised to see that they had pulled an additional amount, but it was just enough to hurt me when I'm already hurting and scraping bottom. My immediate reaction was the old feeling of discouragement and betrayal, but then I felt God speaking to me and asking me if I was going to give in to the old feelings or was I going to trust? "What's it going to be, Connie?" I decided to trust and immediately felt tremendous peace.

God is changing me and preparing me to work for Him. I am excited and look forward to the fulfillment of His will in my life.

Choices that matter...

2007-08-09T23:30:00.000-04:00

Tonight I watched the fourth DVD of David Gates, President of Gospel Ministries International, speaking at the Michigan campmeeting this past June. God is really using David's messages to speak to my heart and show me the direction to go. I have made a several commitments to God and God's work in the past two weeks or so that I never even really thought about before.

Each DVD I've watched has strengthened and encouraged me. Listening to his messages has not only confirmed my desire and commitment to live and work for God, but has also added to it. It has been painful, but now it's kind of interesting, how "the enemy" has been oppressing me mentally and emotionally so much this past weekend and several times throughout this week. The commitments I am making are important and I'm sure "the enemy" doesn't want me to make them, but "...He who lives in you is greater (mightier) than he who is in the world." (1 John 4:4) I am making choices for eternity, choices that matter, and by the grace of God I will continue to do so.

God's call...

2007-07-28T22:12:00.000-04:00

This past week I've been reading the book of Jonah. Although I didn't really spend a lot of time in Jonah, there was something that kept speaking to my heart. Jonah 1:1-2 says, "1 Now the word of the Lord came to Jonah the son of Amittai, saying, 2 Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and proclaim against it; for their wickedness has come up before me. In verse 3, we read, "But Jonah rose up to flee to Tarshish from being in the presence of the Lord [as His prophet]..."

In the rest of Chapter 1 and through Chapter 2, it tells the story of Jonah asking the sailors to toss him into the sea, God creating a great fish that swallowed Jonah, and then three days later the Lord speaking to the fish and the fish vomiting out Jonah upon dry land.

The significant part for me came when again, in Jonah 3:1-2, I read, "1 And the word of the Lord came to Jonah the second time, saying, 2 Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and preach and cry out to it the preaching that I tell you."

This time, in verse 3, "Jonah arose and went to Nineveh, according to the word of the Lord...."

This story, although I've read it before, really spoke to me this time. I recognized God's call on my life. He called me 3-1/2 years ago, but I didn't even wait to find out what to, I ran from God's call out of fear and pain. In January of this year, I again heard God's call. This time I didn't run right away. I did answer the call and even went as far as to actually go out to Montana (where I felt called to). But from there I panicked, felt very confused about God's call, and came home. Thankfully, I didn't run nearly as far emotionally and spiritually as I did before and I didn't turn away from God, but I did run. This week, I have heard God's call again through the reading of the book of Jonah and a praise story given by a young guy today at church.

What God's call means in physical terms, I'm still not sure, but I will start praying about it again. I am committed to my place of work up through at least April or May of next year, I'm committed to attending my family reunion next year, and whatever the call involves, I know I want and need to plan my response much better. I need to take the time to let God work it out and not rush. But I also know that I must answer God's call and trust Him to show the way.

I am at risk for running from His call again, but I am stronger in Him than I was before. Each day that I spend with Him in His Word, the Bible, and in prayer with Him, I will continue to be strengthened to endure the tests that I will be confronted with in answering His call.

The story of Jonah reminded me that when God calls someone or sends someone as a "messenger" He doesn't change His mind or give up. He brings you back around to try again until you answer the call and/or go and do as He has requested. I'm grateful that God doesn't just give up on us; that He does bring us back around, gives us another chance.

At loss for words...

2007-07-26T21:39:00.000-04:00

For the past several days I've wanted to write and yet I can't seem to actually complete a posting. Everything coming out of my mouth seems to be so negative, so lacking in faith, or just so NOT spiritual. I'm going through a really rough time right now, financially and other, and God seems so far away. But I don't want to just leave it there. I know that God isn't far away, even though it feels like it, and I want to remain strong in trusting and depending upon Him.

Whenever things are rough, I find myself turning to Psalms. David had a lot of rough times and he cries unto God in the way that I so often do. In Psalms 25, David says (starting with verse 1), "1 Unto You, O Lord, do I bring my life. 2 O my God, I trust, lean on, rely on and am confident in You; let me not be put to shame or [my hope in You] be disappointed; let not my enemies triumph over me." And then starting in verse 16 he says, "16 Lord, turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. 17 The troubles of my heart are multiplied; bring me out of my distresses. 18 Behold my affliction and my pain; and forgive all my sins [of thinking and doing]."

So that's kind of where I'm at right now. I just want help and comfort from God. I want to know that He's there for me (Hebrews 13:5); I want to know that He loves me (Isaiah 43:4); and I want to know that He will help me out of my distresses (Psalms 118:5 and Psalms 121:1-2).

Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]!

Bought a new (used) car yesterday!

2007-07-18T21:28:00.000-04:00

2003 Ford Explorer

A break would be nice...

2007-07-17T21:54:00.000-04:00

A break from learning "life's lessons" would be really nice about right NOW! I don't know that I've ever had so many opportunities to learn to "give thanks in all circumstances" as I have lately!

Tonight I am feeling truly weary. Life just doesn't let up and sometimes things really seem like too much to bear. But, the verse that came to my mind tonight is Galatians 6:9, "And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint."

My prayer tonight is that God will help me to not "loosen and relax my courage and faint."

Not always serious...

2007-07-14T23:02:00.000-04:00

Today I came home and was trying to get my camera to work. Last weekend at the Halvorsen Reunion, my batteries died on Sunday and when I put in replacement batteries, it still wouldn't work. I thought it was again the batteries, as I had lost them in my Jeep a few weeks back and just found them last weekend. Today, after putting in new batteries, the camera still wouldn't work, so fiddled around with it and finally got it working again this afternoon.

Although I don't usually like to have my picture taken anymore, I ended up taking a few just for the fun of it. They aren't the greatest, one of them is posted on my profile here, but I guess they aren't too bad for being without a tan and without makeup. For those of you who love me dearly and won't judge me too badly, you can see the other two on my personal Website photo gallery: http://www.conniehalvorsen.com/Photo%20Gallery.htm.

Also, I took the time to post the photos from the family reunion on my family's Website. Again, for those who may have interest, here's the link: http://www.halvorsenfamilynews.info/2007_Reunion_Photos.htm.

Maybe I'll finally get a tan before the summer is over and post a better photo...but until then..."it is what it is."

Prepare for the answer...

2007-07-11T20:42:00.001-04:00

The other night I was reading a short story in the May 2007 Signs of the Times magazine. The title was Disappointed Cannibals. The story was about James Hudson Taylor, a British Protestant Missionary to China in the late 1800s.

When he first went to China, he was on a sailing vessel. Close to the shore of a cannibal island the wind died down and the vessel began slowly drifting toward shore. On shore the inhabitants of the island were eagerly awaiting their anticipated feast. The captain came to Mr. Taylor and begged him to pray for the help of God.

"I will," said Taylor, "provided you set your sail to catch the breeze." The captain declined to do so, as he didn't want to become a "laughingstock" with the sailors by unfurling his sails in a dead calm. Taylor said, "I will not undertake to pray for the vessel unless you will prepare the sails." The captain went ahead and ordered the sails unfurled.

Mr. Taylor went to his stateroom to pray. While engaged in prayer, there was knock at his door and he asked, "Who's there?" The captain responded and said, "Are you still praying for wind?" "Yes," replied Mr. Taylor. "Well," said the captain, "you'd better stop praying for we have more wind than we can well manage."

Approximately 100 yards from shore, a strong wind had struck the sails of the vessel and the ship was able to pull away from the island. All aboard were safe from the inhabitants of the island.

The article concluded with this thought, "Sails are made to catch the wind. This part of the prayer, namely, the spreading of the sail, the sailors could do. It belonged to God to send the wind."

A very profound thought! It reminded me how important it is to prepare for the answer to your prayer, believing that God will answer. Immediately, I thought about my heart's desire and prayer request I have before God. I know I need to and want to prepare for the answer like I've never prepared before!

Build up or tear down...

2007-07-07T20:05:00.000-04:00

Yesterday's reading in my book spoke to me in a very powerful way. The images, the memories, the experiences it brought to mind were very painful in a lot of ways. The chapter focused on Proverbs 14:1, which says, "Every wise woman builds her house, but the foolish one tears it down with her own hands." The chapter went on to talk about how a woman can either build up her home, as in the "knitting together of family and the day-by-day routine of creating a happy and comfortable place for a family to live," or she can tear it down as in "break or destroy it, to beat or break it down--to ruin it" with anger, bitterness, deceitfulness, disrespect, and accusations, and many other hateful, non-loving attitudes and behaviors. I feel it can also apply to the literal physical and financial "tearing down" a person can do in their life.

As I've mentioned before, there have been a lot of good lessons and experiences that have come out of the attempted move to Montana, but I have to be honest, they haven't all been good. Some of the lessons and experiences have actually been painful. As I read the chapter about building vs tearing down, the first thing I thought about was the tearing down that I've done in my life in the past month with the trip to Montana.

I thought about the fact that even when a house has good structure and a good foundation, sometimes you have to tear out and tear down parts of it that may have rotted or no longer fit so you can end up with a house that is really good and that you love. My life was kind of like a house that had basic good structure and a good foundation, but needed some remodeling, some tearing out and tearing down. But, in my inexperience and in my need to get rid of people, places, and things that I was attached to and needed to detach from, I went to the extreme and tore down some of the basic structure and foundation. I became "a foolish woman tearing down her own house with her own hands." This realization made me sad. I hadn't meant to, of course, and I can't change it, I can only make a point of remembering this in the future.

Reading this chapter also reminded me of how my mother "tore down her own house with her own hands." I remember hating my mother for the way she treated my father, for spewing forth anger and bitterness and making him feel worthless as a father/husband. I know my father wasn't the easiest man to live with and she had many reasons for her feelings, but her anger and bitterness permeated our home and allowed the enemy, the devil, to create havoc and chaos in our supposedly Christian home. I know that my mother didn't know any better and I trust God to know her heart, but I truly, truly never want to cause the emotional, mental, and spiritual tearing down in my home as my mother did in hers. She also at times caused a physical tearing down, similar to what I just did. We were forever moving and going somewhere different, which caused a physical and financial tearing down of the family. It wasn't always my mother and sometimes the moves were to our benefit, but there were many moves initiated by my mother and many of them weren't to our physical and financial benefit.

It's not wrong to want to go somewhere different and make a different life for yourself. In fact, I still do. It's also not wrong to have gotten rid of all the stuff I got rid of, but it has made it more difficult for me financially and has caused a setback that I couldn't afford. This is the tearing down that was unfortunate and foolish. In the future, when and if I choose to make a change, I need and want to plan a lot of things out differently and better and do everything I can to make sure I am "building my house" physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, not "tearing it down."

Overwhelmed?

2007-07-04T23:48:00.000-04:00

Not yet, but I easily could be if I looked at all I desire to achieve and thought that I had to make sure it happened. Fortunately, much of the growth I desire in my life comes from God and He seems to have His own timetable! Obviously, there is a part for me to play also and even that part could become overwhelming if I allowed it to. Today, looking at my need for growth in so many areas, particularly in building stronger foundations, I started to feel overwhelmed. I need to remember though, I'm not doing it alone. Philippians 4:13 reminds me that "I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me--I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me, [that is, I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency.]

Castles in the air...

2007-07-04T23:33:00.000-04:00

I am the kind of person that tends to build castles in the air. I like to try new things, come up with new ideas, dream big dreams. Most of the time, this is a positive trait. It keeps me desiring to grow and to help others grow; it helps me to let go of what's behind and keep moving forward, it gives me hope that tomorrow will be better. But, there is a downside to this trait also. It is easy to become so busy building the castle that I forget to make sure the foundation is strong enough to support the castle. More times than I want to admit, this flaw has caused my castles to crumble and fall for lack of support.

Today, while thinking about "castles" or dreams that I desire to build, I recognized the need to build a better foundation. During this year, when I am focusing on growth more than I have in the past couple of years, I want to make sure that my foundations in all areas of my life (spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical) are more solid, built to last.

Just a couple more things to say...

2007-07-03T23:46:00.000-04:00

While out in Montana I went to Borders Bookstore to use one of the gift cards from the ImproMED gang. (Thanks everyone...you know what I love!) I had been wanting to get the book, "A Woman After God's Own Heart," by Elizabeth George, in part because the title reflects one of my heart's desires, and in part because I had been reading and enjoying another one of her books.

I did find and buy her book, but then in the following couple of weeks, I went through a lot of emotions that made me feel very "ungodly," which made it almost impossible for me to even look at my new book. It felt like even the title was mocking me. Well, fortunately, God helped me to get over those feelings and I've been reading it ever since. Boy, does it ever speak to my heart! I am truly enjoying it and know that I will be reading it again.

This week I have found that my prayers to God are starting to change due to the inspiration gained from reading this book. I have started to pray that God will change my heart, give me a "heart of flesh," ((Ezekiel 11:19-20), a heart sensitive and responsive to His touch. I desire for Him to change me, change my desires, my thoughts, my attitude...give me a desire for more of Him and teach me to listen, hear, and obey His voice. I want Him to create in me a "deep river of peace and love" that nothing outside me can even cause a ripple within. I know that this will take a lifetime. These are not the things that happen overnight, but I want to be in it for the long haul.

Quite a few years ago, when I started at Improvisions/ImproMED, all of us who worked there spent a day at a "resort" participating in "team building activities" put on by a facilitator. I don't remember all that much about the day, but in one of the activities we were to come up with an adjective to describe ourselves that started with the same letter as our first names. I came up with "Constant Connie" to describe myself. Although I'm not always constant, there are many times when I have been and still am constant. I am constant in my friendships, my work (except when I take trips to Montana :), my family, and my desires/dreams. In the past week, I've recognized a strong desire to be constant in my relationship with God. I don't want to be "on again, off again" as I have been so many times before. This time I want to be "constant for God."

Another lesson I'm learning...

2007-07-03T23:18:00.000-04:00

A week ago today, when I went out to start my Jeep to go to work, it wouldn't start. When I turned the key, it would crank, but not turn over. Also, the gas gauge was showing up as empty even though I had 3/4 of a tank of gas and the fuel pump wasn't coming on at all when I would turn the key to on.

I called a faithful friend of the family from Glenwood church who came over and tried to see if he could figure out what was wrong. In the time available, he couldn't, but he ended up taking me in to work. While at work, I started feeling really down about my Jeep not working, the fact that I had to ask for help, and not having the money or credit to just go get a new vehicle.

By the end of the day when my cousin's husband, Harry, came to pick me up from work, I had managed to make myself feel pretty miserable about life and hateful towards myself for not "having it all together." My negative feelings were quite apparent and Harry strongly admonished me regarding my attitude. He reminded me that we are to "give thanks in all circumstances," and said that my negative attitude about life was an expression of doubt of God's love and my attitude towards myself was telling God He had made "junk" when He created me. Although it wasn't all that comfortable to be admonished, I did recognize fairly quickly that what he was saying was true and that I have a real issue with being negative when things feel like they aren't going well for me.

For some reason, I had always felt that by "giving thanks in all circumstances" I was actually lying, but when I read 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17, I realized that by not "giving thanks" I was actually going against God's will for me. I decided to make a commitment, right then and there, with God's help, to "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

I have to admit this one will at times be very difficult for me. I came by my negativity very honestly...both of my parents could be quite negative at times even though they were Christians. So, if any of you readers of my blog hear me starting to be really negative or down on life and myself, you are welcome to admonish me and remind me of my commitment as a way of helping me!

A few lessons learned...

2007-07-03T22:43:00.000-04:00

Most anyone who would be reading my blog already knows that I was offered the job in Montana, but decided I couldn't handle the "cut in pay" from what I could make in Michigan, along with having a hard time finding a place to stay out there. So, I'm back in Michigan, working for ImproMED again, and temporarily living in my house for the next six months.

Although there have been some negatives regarding the whole experience, for the most part there were so many positives that I can't really say I regret the experience. I've learned so many things and I feel the trip changed me in some very positive ways. There have been two significant lessons coming out of the experience which are having and will continue to have an impact on my life.

One of the lessons involves listening to God. I've been a Christian for many years, but I haven't really ever been fully committed to listening for, hearing, and obeying God's voice prior to this year. The last two or three weeks before leaving for Montana, I realized that I wasn't hearing God anymore. Because of my history and lack of experience, I found myself continuing to push forward without taking the time to step back and make sure I was still doing as God wanted me to. If I had stepped back and taken the time, would I still have gone to MT? I don't really know...a part of me feels that maybe God had meant for me to come all the way up to, but then not really go. On the other hand, maybe He still would have had me go. It doesn't really matter now...except that I have learned that it's OK to step back and make sure you are within God's will. In fact, it is a much safer position to be in. Thankfully, God has promised to never leave or forsake me and He didn't throughout the trip.

The second lesson really came after the trip although I thought about it while out in Montana. There have been two things in my life that ever since the day I received them, I knew they were special gifts from God just for me. One was my job with Improvisions/ImproMED; the second was my house. Both gifts were more than I had asked for or imagined when they were first given to me, and both have continued to be there for me even when I haven't deserved them. Coming back to both of them, even temporarily, made me realize how faithful God is in showing His love towards me. It also encouraged me as I believe God has promised the gift of a godly husband for me and I recognize I can trust His giving and His timing of the gift!

A waiting game...

2007-06-15T12:38:00.000-04:00

Well, this seems to be the motto of my life right now, along with facing new challenges moment by moment. I never imagined that trying to relocate could be so challenging and exhausting. Those two words seem to permeate my every thought right now. My life has been consumed by this experience. Today, I feel like I might be slowly climbing out of the emotional "flood waters" that have engulfed me for the past 4-5 weeks. I actually might be able to breathe again...but as I'm learning, only time will tell.

My second interview went well this morning. I was interviewed by six people this morning! Definitely a new experience and nothing like being put on the spot. They all seemed friendly enough and they asked some good questions. I should know later today what their decision is and when they would want me to start. In a way, I would like it if they would have me start in a week. It would give me time to go home and pick up some of my most important things. Also, I could pick up my accounting books as I think I will need to refer to them often at first. It has been awhile since I've been involved in accounting to the level I would be in this position. The great part of the position is that I would be teaching and helping clients rather than doing the accounting for the actual business. This would give me a lot of variety. I also would be able to get involved in software testing and some web development!

The big issue seems to be finding a place to live if I do get this job. They don't have apartment complexes here like they do back at home. There are a few here and there, but mostly any apartments for rent are part of a larger home and even then there aren't very many. Everything in Montana seems to be "out in the middle of nowhere," including places to live, towns, and businesses. The rooms for rent haven't seemed too promising either and I don't care to live with any weirdos. It would be nice to find someone from church that would have a room to rent, but if I could afford a place of my own, even a small place, I think I would prefer it. I found that staying with people comes with it's own issues. You have to live their way, not your own. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it later today, once I know what happens with the job. Maybe I'm just beginning to get used to living moment to moment...probably not though.

Until next update...

Not on the road, but making progress...

2007-05-31T09:46:00.000-04:00

I had expected to be on the road to Montana by now, but life doesn't always go as planned. Last Thursday night I ended up with an abscessed tooth and had to get an antibiotic and pain medicine called in by my dentist.

On Friday, after praying about my plans to haul a trailer and talking with a sister and a friend, I decided against hauling a trailer. Instead I decided to put all but what I absolutely need in the next six months into a storage unit. Saturday, I didn't make it to church or anywhere else as I was sick from the medicine. On Sunday, my friend Denyse came to help me pack up stuff for storage and then on Monday her and her husband, my sister Ruth and her husband, my brother JD and I loaded up my friends van and my Jeep and hauled it all to storage.

Since then, I've been working on packing up the rest of my stuff to take with me to Montana. Yesterday, it became apparent that I still have more to go than what my Jeep will hold, so I'm now looking into car carrier options or as a friend of mine suggested, a "Hitch-Haul" carrier, which sounds like it may work.

Also, my tooth is still quite sensitive and today my dentist recommended that I have it pulled. So tomorrow, I will be visiting an oral surgeon to have the tooth pulled.

What a process! I would have never guessed how hard it would be just to move. I told God yesterday, that if for any reason I misunderstood Him and He really didn't want me to move, then please stop everything now, because it would only get worse from here. But, I haven't had anything that impresses me to stop, but rather to press on...and so, that is what I will do...press on.

The new plan is now to leave Sunday morning, 6/3. This will allow me to see everyone at church before going, since last week I was sick. Also, it will allow me to see my sister Marie and her husband who are up from Tennessee this weekend. Hopefully, I will have Internet access next week and can update everyone more often.

Middle of the week...

2007-05-23T17:07:00.000-04:00

Here it is...middle of the week already! Today, my sister Ruth was here to help with packing. With masking tape, we created a 4x4x8 and a 5x5.5x8 space to see how well all my stuff is going to fit in the U-haul trailer. Well, by mid-morning, I knew that a 4x4x8 was NOT going to work and I very likely will need to continue to get rid of stuff to fit all of the dishes, books, and my dresser into a 5x5.5x8 trailer. My clothes (except for what is in the dresser) can fit into the Jeep along with all my files, and hopefully the weight bench and the NordicTrak Skiing machine. Oh, I also have the two TVs, DVD players, VCRs, and my bread machines and a bike, but I don't know that I'll be able to take it. It isn't a great bike anyway and I would like to get a really nice bike, but we'll just have to see. Moving is such a difficult project! There is just so much to do! I'll sure be glad when it's done.

Final countdown

2007-05-21T20:58:00.000-04:00

Here it is Monday evening of the final week before I leave. I'm done with the sale, but still have two refrigerators, a freezer, and a stove to get rid of! Someone did come to look at them tonight and I am praying that either him or someone else will be willing to pay at least a little money and move them on out of my house this week.

There is still so much purging and packing to do it is unreal! Thankfully, my sister Ruth offered to take a day off work and will be down to help me on Wednesday. I also have to get the transmission on the Jeep serviced and after towing a trailer tonight, there is a creaking noise in the rear of my Jeep. Doesn't thrill me, but I am hoping my mechanic friend, Charles, will be able to determine what it is and if it is anything to worry about. I tell you, when it comes to dealing with the vehicle, I SURE DO MISS MY PAPA!!! He would have already looked it all over, fixed whatever needed to be fixed, and probably even paid for the parts. This is an area of my life that remains hard to deal with. I'm not used to having to take care of my own vehicle and pay for all of the maintenance and repairs!

With being so busy this week, it's not always easy to remember to stay connected with God throughout my day, remain in His presence, but God is good. He has continued to remind me throughout the day that He is my source and all I have to do is lean on Him. God is really opening up some areas of my life that I both desire and need growth in. In the upcoming months I'll begin writing about some of what God is teaching me, but I want to write about them when I have more time to do so. This week is not that time!

If I had known...

2007-05-14T16:56:00.000-04:00

Even though the current situation of selling and packing up my life is different than taking care of and watching my Dad die in 2004, the emotions being brought out through the process are very similar. If I had known how hard it was going to be to take care of my Dad, particularly during the last two weeks of his life and then watch him die, I don't know that I would have ever prayed for and taken on the commitment of taking care of my Dad.

In a similar way, if I had known how hard these last two weeks of selling/packing up my life, letting go of my dog, etc. were going to be, I don't know that I would have ever prayed for and made the commitment to move. Today it has felt like the emotional "floodwaters" were swirling around my neck and I felt like I might even going under for a few brief moments, to come back up coughing and choking, trying to catch my breath.

God has promised in Isaiah 43:2, that "When I pass through the waters, He will be with me, and through the rivers they shall not overwhelm me..." Well, I was counting on that today as I felt like I might go under to never breathe again.

I also realized today that no matter how hard it was to take care of and watch my Dad die, I never regretted my decision and commitment to do so. In fact, I have treasured the fact that God answered my prayer and gave me the opportunity to be there for my Dad, as he had always been there for me. I think I will feel the same way about this move, once I am moved and have gotten past the difficult part, it will be one of those decisions I'll never regret!

Practicing His presence in the midst of chaos...

2007-05-14T07:31:00.000-04:00

This morning during my devotional time, I read a short paragraph in one of the books I'm reading, which really struck home with me.

Sometimes, life seems so full of pressure, there's always so much to do, that it seems difficult to "abide in Him," to "live in God's presence." And yet, just as the authors of this book remind me, "Practicing the presence of God isn't something to add to your already busy schedule. It doesn't take more of your time, it takes all of your time. It's what you do while you do whatever you're doing."

The authors go on to say, "But as you dwell in the presence of God, your life will gradually rearrange itself. You'll find that some activities don't seem appropriate anymore, or have simply gotten boring, and that without much effort they'll drop away. Other activities will take over, they will become your longing and your delight."

Lord, I pray that you'll take control of my schedule, my life, that I may do what You need me to do, live as You want me to live, and let go of what I need to let go of. May I find "rest in You alone." (Psalm 62:5)

Heart and soul of a young daughter...

2007-05-10T17:43:00.000-04:00

Today, as I again tackled the overwhelming task of going through my stuff to get ready to move, I came across an envelope of my Dad's filled with a few photos and a Father's Day card or letter from each of his children that he had kept over the years.

One of the letters was from me, which I decided I would like to share with all of you that may be reading my blog. The letter was just so me, even at the young age of 17 or 18, so desiring to do right and yet struggling and being honest about the struggle.

The Letter to My Dad
[Note: There wasn't any date on the letter, but since I wasn't at home and the handwriting is very teenager-like, I was probably 17 or 18 when I wrote the letter.]

Dad, Happy Father's Day!!!

I do not have the money to buy a card, a gift, or to come see you, so here's a little note to say hi and let you know how much I love you!

Dad, I know that I make you worry a lot and I am sorry. Sometimes I try so hard - other times I don't - I hope someday that I can be everything you want me to be!

You are a man I admire very much! You are such a Christian - a gentle, quiet, loving father, a father who would give us your last slice of bread, your only shirt, and do your best to keep us from hardships.

I know you have worried over each one of us, loved us, disciplined us, and taught us.

Dad, many times life scares me - I am so scared of what I am or am not going to become. I want so much and I have a lot of weaknesses in my character which hinder me from obtaining. But Dad, I am so glad that you love me no matter what I do or don't do. I need your continuing love. Sometimes I am so scared that I will hurt you, that something will happen to you because of me. Dad, when I worry you and/or hurt you, I don't mean to.

I love you very, very much! I hope I can become "Daddy's Little Girl" that you can be very proud of! Thank you for being my Daddy! Connie

Abiding in His presence...

2007-05-05T07:48:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking and praying, over the past couple of days, about what it means to become a "Woman after God's own heart." This morning when I awoke and before getting up, I was talking to God and the first thought that came to my mind was that I need to abide in Him (Christ), relax and dwell in Him (John 15:4). This is my first step in becoming a "Woman after God's own heart."

By learning to abide and dwell in Him, thinking of and focusing on Him throughout my day, He will be able to "instruct me and lead me in the way which I should go" (Psalms 32:8); He will be able to "keep me from all evil; keep my life" (Psalms 121:7).

Lord, I pray today that I may learn to relax, abide, and dwell in You, in Your presence, Your light. May I seek Your face, Your love, Your thoughts, Your desires, and may they be planted in my heart to "energize and create in me the power and desire--both to will and to work for Your good pleasure and satisfaction and delight." (Philippians 2:13)

Start of a new life and a new blog!

2007-05-02T23:31:00.000-04:00

Although I will always treasure growing up as "a farmer's daughter" (the name of my old blog), I decided I wanted a new blog that would better represent the new feelings and new life I am experiencing. So, here's my new blog, "Precious and Honored," which God says I am (Isaiah 43:4).